Christmas

And a good time was had by all! What a great holiday. It was so relaxing compared to last year. Last year we were "homeless" in between Germany and California. It was nice because we got to spend some time with family, but hard because we had so much to do in such a small time, plus so many presents to cart around!

This year, we couldn't afford to go home. Turns out that was probably a good thing, because due to the blizzard in Denver, we probably wouldn't have gotten to go anyway! We stayed here and the kids had a great time. We visited with friends, went to church, and opened lots of presents. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa dutifully came through with all the gifts that we didn't manage to (or refused to supply) get for the kids. They were all extremely excited. At one point, R. was opening some stuff and was so excited about it, his voice got so high that I have NO IDEA what he was saying!

Anyway--they got lots of stuff to play with outside, and a few indoor things. N. is getting old enough now that he has some "technical" stuff--IDog, speakers for the IPod, games for the gameboy, etc. We must be transitioning into a new phase of childhood, because I don't really know where to put everything. Even though we took about 3 LARGE moving boxes worth of stuff out of the various toy boxes. We'll figure it out eventually. Probably when the kids go back to school and I get ONE MOMENT'S PEACE around here!!

Anyway--here are a few photos of Christmas at our house (note that the things surrounding the kids are all the gifts--not just the stuff from us and Santa--it is important to the kids that I be SURE the family all knows that they know EXACTLY who sent them all of their "awesomely awesome presents"):

Vulnerability

It's funny that I originally started this blog basically to show pictures of the kids to friends and family who don't live close to us. But, once in a while, it becomes some kind of therapy session for me. I really planned for it only to be about the kids, pictures, stories about things that happen to them, etc. But, sometimes, I feel this need to write something about me. I have always had a need to put words down on paper. I make lists, I write poems, I write stories, but for some reason, I hate keeping a journal. It just doesn't work for me. I guess I feel bad when I go a long time without writing something down, and then feel like I need to write down all the "background" to go along with the story. Maybe that's why the blog is better. I can just write what I am thinking, get it out, and forget it--instead of thinking that I have to explain myself in case my kids (or their therapists!) ever read it.

Anyway--I have been doing a lot of "mental" work on myself since we got here. Part of it is due to the Weight Watchers process--I really want to change my entire self, so that I won't go back to former habits when I get to my goal weight. And, I guess that has carried over to the rest of my brain. Also, since this is a very low key assignment for us, I don't have the constant mental strain of deployments, possible deployments, cancelled deployments, comparing deployments, etc--so maybe my brain has time to work on itself now. Thirdly, right before we left Europe (and the reason we left, actually) I was so VERY VERY hurt by the way we (directly, S., and therefore indirectly, me) were treated, that I still have not gotten past it. I think it has been the biggest event in our entire marriage, career, and adulthood actually, since the first two have completely encompassed the third.

So--here's something I've been thinking about. Vulnerability. I do not like it. In fact, I don't allow it in myself. I would not say that I consider it a weakness, because that would imply that I don't approve of it in others, which is not the case. Quite the opposite. I envy it in other people. I, for some reason or many reasons, just seem to have forbidden myself from ever APPEARING vulnerable. I say appearing, because the fact is, that I feel SO VERY vulnerable all the time. So, what am I doing? Putting on a charade all the time? I don't know. I don't feel like that, but perhaps.

Vulnerability seems to include two "branches" for me. Embarrassment and need. I hate both. I hate embarassment for myself and anyone else. I get "embarrassed for other people" a lot. I hate april fool's day, practical jokes, food in my teeth, etc. As for need--I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to be new at anything, because it implies that I need someone to show me something or answer a question or give me directions or whatever. I am great at being the "welcoming committee" for other people, though! I love helping people who are new. I actually have a test for myself. I know that I actual feel at home somewhere the first time someone asks me for directions, and I am able to give them to them!

What is the point of this? The point is that once in a while, I would like to be able to lean on someone else. Really take comfort in someone else's presence, and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. Also, there are times when I really am vulnerable, and need someone or something and no one realizes it. The best example I can think of is having babies. S. is so accustomed to me handling everything on my own, it just never occurred to him to give me instruction, encouragment, etc. He basically just waited until I told him what I wanted or needed, and did that. I'm not downplaying his contribution--doing that was great. I just wish I had had someone to say "Look in my eyes. Do what I say. Breathe when I tell you to." etc.

I think the obvious reason that a therapist would give you would be that I am the oldest child from divorced parents. I didn't like my first stepmother and she didn't like me, and I spent a lot of time protecting myself and my brother from her. Also, I was not allowed to cry when we came home from visiting. I literally got in trouble if my face was red or my eyes were swollen. So--I think I learned early to constantly be on the lookout for upcoming trouble. Head it off, divert it, or find a way to completely destroy it. The result of that is that there is always some enemy in my life. It takes a lot of energy.

Usually, during this "brain work" phase of my life, I am able to realize something like this about myself and it is gone. I don't have to "work" on it or whatever. It's like the realization of it destroys its power over me, and it is just gone. (That is also a pattern in my life--problem is that I can't just LISTEN and learn. I have to experience it myself. Self help books, therapy sessions, marriage workshops, etc. are all a waste of time for me, unless they spark some "self analysis." Wastes a lot of time. . .)

For some reason, this won't go away. I don't know why. I don't even know what the "measure" of it going away would be. I am not really in any situation where I am vulnerable, so how do I know. I think because the "enemies" are still there, taking up my energy, time, and thoughts. And, because the catalysts still make me angry. Or sad. Depends on the mood.

Maybe the fact that I was so small when it first started made it sort of an instinct in me. Maybe it isn't something that I even CAN change. I think the thing that makes me the most upset is the sense of powerlessness. For example, when we left Europe (I will give more details on that in a minute so it will make more sense.) So MANY things went into the fact that I was so hurt. But the people involved didn't know HALF of the details. And yet, they made their decisions, and formed their opinions, and broke my heart in the process. I can't let it go. I so badly want to MAKE them listen to all that was involved. And force them to understand what they did to me. I know they don't like me after all of that. That is fine--I don't need them to like me. I have plenty of friends. In fact, that specific situation spelled out VERY CLEARLY who my REAL friends were. I don't need them to like me, I just want them to know what they did to me.

THE REMAINDER OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ADVISED THAT IT COULD BE OFFENSIVE OR HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS, OR HEAVEN FORBID, MAKE THINGS WORSE WITH THOSE IT WAS ABOUT. I HAVE SAVED IT, HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF FURTHERING THE "BRAIN WORK."

Catch Up

Let's see. . .what's been going on since Thanksgiving? Tons of stuff! We finished the soccer season. They got a third place medal in the final tournament. That was pretty fun. It was cool to be the mom now that he is to the age where they are really PLAYING. They understand the basic concepts and put them to use, without the coach telling them each step. It is just so cool. N. loves being goalie. Every time the other team gets to take a penalty kick, I just about have a heart attack, but he is awesome. It scares the heck out of me to watch him with several players around him and just jump on the ball--but the feet coming at his mouth apparently don't worry him! He can kick the ball from the edge of the box almost to the mid field line. Not a regulation size field, but still. . .he is amazing!

Both kids had Christmas parties in their classes at school. I didn't attend either. It just isn't fun dragging the littlest one to a party where he can't eat the cookies and didn't get a gift! We did go on N's walking field trip to Christmas card lane. . .more on that later.

We had a great time putting up decorations in the house, but we don't have any outside. I guess living in Germany for 5 Christmases, we never got any 110 volt outdoor lights. The frugal part of me is adamant that we wait until the after Christmas sales to get some! J. loves the tree. He is totally fascinated. The other two never got really excited, but he is just enamored. Every morning he said "on on on!!" and "Kissmas!" He thinks the tree is called Kissmas. Or maybe the lights, because he says it about the garland on the stairs too. Who knows. . .Anyway--he likes having them plugged in.

We have stacked all of the presents on top of the entertainment center, for fear that he would unwrap them all if we stopped watching him for 3 seconds. (His nickname bestowed by my brother is "Taz" after all. . .and for good reason--it is a very accurate description!)

N. sang in the Children's Choir at church. That was really fun too. At one service he was in the very middle of the very front row. Fortunately, that is when I took pictures! He did great. Knew every word and was really enthusiastic!

We also had a great time making our Christmas card. . .if you didn't get one, it MUST be because I don't have your address--because I was really excited to send them this year! The Caption said "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from OUR version of a winter wonderland!"

We made Christmas cookies. . .still being on Weight Watchers, and desperate to make it to my goal weight by the end of the year. . .I had a hard time not eating them. So, I told the kids we would make them as gifts for the neighbors. We put them on plates and delivered them as soon as they were finished decorating to get the temptation out of the house as quickly as possible!

S. and I went to the bowl game. That was a lot of fun. They did not sell a lot of tickets, but they were two small schools that are very far from here. We won, so that made it even more fun. We went to a tailgate that the school put on before the game--we didn't see anyone we know, and the food was WAY too expensive for what you got. But, we had a good time anyway. There were free Tshirts on the seats when we got into the stadium so we got some for the kids. Afterwards, we went out to dinner with some friends that live here that went to the game.

Christmas Card Lane. . .about 2 1/2 blocks from here is a neighborhood called Christmas Card Lane. It started about 30 years ago, when a woman who was a great artist who lived there made a GIANT Christmas card out of plywood and put it in her yard as decoration. Keep in mind that was before the days of all kinds of store bought yard decor. She made several for her neighbors, and they all put them up. Each year, several more neighbors joined in. Now, it is 5 streets (think figure 8 layout) and it is amazing! These people go all out!

People come from EVERYWHERE to drive through. The trolley car company from downtown sends a car up here and charges to drive you around. Several horse drawn wagons do the same. Apparently, when you buy a house there, they have to disclose it in the purchase agreement because the month of December is SO crowded in the neighborhood! The good news is, the house usually comes with the card that the seller's used! We are lucky enough to have several friends who live over there.

Every weekend (Friday and Saturday nights) they have "barbeques" in their yards and watch the people go by. Keep in mind, this is different from a Texas barbeque--here it just means eating outside--like our version of a picnic. Anyway--there are fire pits (because it may get less than 55 degrees!!) and lawn chairs, and it is a lot of fun. We have gone over there a lot. Once was for an "official" party, and the rest of the time just to hang out. I didn't realize that I was feeling "homesick" for my Army family until we went. It was so similar to the way we all got together and sat in the yard, ate dinner, and watched the kids play that it brought tears to my eyes. It did make me feel part of a "community" though, so that was nice. I haven't really felt that since we got here!

Our friends, the M. family, have a MAJOR train collection. He works for a toy train company, and she has collected the cars since before she met him (meant to be, huh?) Every year they put out a display, but this year they made it a permanent part of their yard. Actually, they made it their permanent yard--not a part of it--it takes up the whole front grass! It has 3 tracks, buildings, a fountain, everything! The kids love to go over there because they get to work the controls of the trains. They also get to play with lots of kids, because everyone stops for a while when they get to the M. house, so the boys see lots of friends! (here will be a pic of D's train and some of Xmas card ln)

We do not have major plans for Christmas. Fortunately, we are not traveling. We had already made that decision, based on finances, and the craziness of last year's season (moving, traveling, etc.) but, boy, am I glad now. The airports are NUTS because of the blizzard in Colorado! We are just going to take it easy, hang out with each other, and enjoy being still! Our neighborhood has a pot luck on Christmas eve, and then they go caroling, so we will probably join in on that. We have been invited by friends of friends to come to their house on Christmas day for lunch. I was thinking I just wanted it to be our family for the day, but although that sounds like a great idea, we tend to start fighting amongst ourselves when trapped in the house all day, so we are going to the F's house. They have horses, so that should be fun. Afterward, we will probably go play with the trains! On the 23rd, we are going to cook out at the C family's house. It is supposed to be 69 degrees, and they are going to heat their pool so we will probably swim--I love it here! It has been cold and wet (in the 40s!!) but it should be beautiful and 65 by this afternoon!

The boys in the PJs that Aunt S and Uncle G sent!

The only bad news we have these days is about N's mouth! Apparently, we are going to make very good friends with all of the mouth care professionals in the city. R's surgery went well in Sept, and now we are on to N. His teeth hit directly on top of each other, or maybe a slight underbite. Because of that, every bite he takes causes "trauma" to his lower jawbone. It has caused the gums to pull away from his new permanent tooth on the bottom, so the roots don't have any support holding the tooth in. We have to see an orthodonist next week. Bad news is, our dental insurance ain't great--and the orthodontic coverage is particularly pitiful. It is likely that he will either need braces or a gum graft (yuk). He will likely need braces again later (when his "lifetime total coverage" has long been used up) J. also has a MAJOR underbite. He will need braces to correct it in a few years. So--it looks like all 3 boys will need braces by age 8, and the older two will both need them again as teenagers! I am thinking we need to get back to Europe--at least the dental care was free!

Pictures. . .finally!

I have not posted in a while, because I have been so irritated at the fact that I couldn't get the photos to post. . .today they are going up really fast! I don't know why, but maybe it was worth the wait! Anyway. . .lots of craziness going on around here, of course, due to the time of year. More soon. . .