What a Week

My stepfather died this week. He was a heart disease patient for 11 1/2 years. He had an LVAD and a heart transplant. He got really sick lots of times, and better lots of times. But, this time he didn't. I got to Texas on Saturday and he got progressively worse through the weekend. Monday, it was obvious that it wasn't going to get better. I stayed in the room with my mom and my aunt until the very end. Maybe I'll write more about that some time. I'm not sure I can.

I've never seen a dead person before. This was a pretty awful way to see the first one. He was in BAD shape by the end--tubes, wires, etc. It wasn't fun to look at. But, the truly most horrible thing in the world was to watch my mom say goodbye to him as he took his last breaths.

The funeral wasn't until today (Saturday) so the week was LONG and hard. But, in a way, it was good that it was so many days in between. It gave her some time to get through the worse "hysterical" part of the pain, and get to the place where she could appreciate the celebratory part of the service. It also gave me a chance to see her make a few tiny steps of progress. It is going to be so horrible for her. The idea of her coming home to an empty house for the first time just rips my heart out.

It has been just the two of them for so long, that I can't imagine what she'll do. I don't want her to have to do it. She is saying things like "I'm going to make some plans" and "I have some ideas" and things like that. I know that means she is on the road to survival, but it will be such a long road. . .I don't want to think of it. She was able to smile a lot today. That made it a little better.

I have to leave tomorrow. I think there is a special place in hell for a person who leaves her mother the day after her husband's funeral. But, I've been here for a week and I have to get home. We are going to Hawaii for the Wheel of Fortune trip on Wednesday. I was going to cancel, but my mom really wanted us to go. Originally, she and my stepdad were supposed to come watch the kids. We have a new plan, but it is still sad. Again--a special place in hell--not only do I leave my mother the day after her husband's funeral--but I leave and go to Hawaii?? What kind of person DOES that?

I think she is ready to have her house back. My sisters and my aunt and I have all been here all week (wow--I thought infantrymen had bad language--you should hear a house full of women when one of them just lost a husband!!) She has definitely been glad we were here, but I think there will be a sense of relief when we go. She will be sad to say goodbye, but that would be the case if we left now, or in a month. I am really GLAD that she is ready for us to go. It would be much worse if she was saying she couldn't make it if we left her. I know that she is in as healthy a place as she can be right now, but my heart still breaks for her.

A lot of times I feel guilty for not being "home" when things happen. When my grandfather had surgery, when my siblings' kids were born, even when they have happy family gatherings--I just HATE that I am not here. I'm the oldest child and I contribute nothing. I know it is great that S. serves in the military and we are contributing to the bigger picture, but my family is a pretty big picture to me, and I have failed them over and over--and now I will do that again tomorrow when I leave my mother crying in her driveway.

I don't really think any of this post makes any sense. I haven't really tried. I wanted to write something down, but a lot of the details are too MUCH right now to be able to get them out coherently. So, for now, I guess it is just therapy to write it out--as much as I am able.

Random Things

I seem to only write on my blog when a major event happens. Nothing major has happened directly to me, but several random things have happened. And, I can't sleep, so I thought I write some of them down.

First, a good thing. I passed my trainer certification. I got a 96% on the written part and 100% on the practical part. That was the part that was worrying me for 5 weeks, and turns out I did fine. So, I may be able to start working at the gym soon. If any clients want to work out with me. We'll see. I am really looking forward to taking a few more classes. I'm going to do a Pilates Mat class instructor course, a "floor, core, and more" class, and a group exercise instructor class. The cool thing is that the gym pays for all of them for me, so it is GREAT.

We leave for the Wheel of Fortune trip to Hawaii in a few weeks. I am kind of nervous about leaving the kids. N is 8 1/2 years old, and S and I have never spent the night alone since he was born. I have actually only been away from the kids overnight for 4 nights TOTAL, other than being in the hospital to have another baby. So, it will be scary, but it will be fun to have some time to just pay attention to each other. We so rarely even get to finish a whole conversation. And, the conversations are usually about who is going to give baths and who is going to wash dishes--rarely anything meaningful. So, it will be good.

N continues to be an outstanding athlete. This weekend he played GREAT at his basketball game. The whole team did really well. They won 20-19, but I was just really amazed at the improvement that they made since last week! The coach was really excited too. He was pretty down last week when he realized that the other coaches were teaching the kids things like picks, screens, etc. He is VERY in to basketball and has been trying hard not to put too much pressure on the kids. So, after last week's game, he felt really guilty because the other team had done that stuff, and ours hadn't. This week, they worked on it in practice, and they were awesome.

About an hour after the game ended, N had baseball tryouts. He actually tried out for a league one year above his age group. He didn't know that. We decided that for him. We didn't tell him, though--so technically it isn't really parents pushing their kids to overachieve, right?

S left the day before to go to Japan, so the little boys and I took him to the tryout. I was really worried that he would be embarrassed to be there with his mom. Everyone else was warming up with their dads. As we were walking up, I said "Hey, if you want to warm up, I'll throw the ball with you, but you won't hurt my feelings if you don't want to." He said he didn't, but as we got closer, I found a dad from the soccer team, and he let N throw the ball with him and his son.

They ended up calling all the 9 year olds first, and making the 8 year olds wait until the end. That was hard for the little guys, because we had left their chicken nuggets in the car. The tryout was supposed to be an hour, so I figured they would be hungry by then. Well, it ended up being 2 1/2 hours before N was done, but by the time we realized it was going to be longer I couldn't go get the food, because it kept SEEMING like he would be up any minute! They did great though. J said he was hungry several times, and wanted to be held, but they were really really good.

A few minutes after they all lined up, N had a sudden flash of insight as to what the word "tryout" actually meant. He turned around and said "Mom, what does that mean--tryout? Does it mean I might not get to be on a team?"

I was trying to leave him alone, and only talk to him in casual conversation (not act all "motherly.") So, I walked over and explained that it was really more of an "evaluation" so that they would know how everyone played, so the teams would be as even as possible when they did the draft. I also said "This is actually the league for 9 year olds. Only a few 8 year olds were invited to tryout." That was kind of a stretch, since each kid's parents (and the kid, I guess) decided if they would tryout up or not, but it still made him feel good, He looked around and saw how few 8 year olds there were, and he was pretty excited. I didn't tell him that if they have too many 9 year olds, they will move the 8 year olds back down. I heard that is not likely to happen, but I guess it COULD, so I just didn't mention it either way.

He did really great. He hit 3 out of 5 pitches off the machine (55 MPH pitches!), ran the bases fast and had an excellent slide into 3rd base, stopped all 3 grounders at shortstop and threw straight to the 1st baseman, caught all 3 pop flies in the outfield and threw directly to the 2nd baseman, and then he was done. So, he really couldn't have done better!

Here is a really cool thing that happened. While the tryouts were going on, I walked over to N (he was sitting on the ground) and knelt down. I told him that I was watching the pop flies. the kids had to start at one cone and catch a pop up, then they moved forward about 4 feet to the next cone and caught one, then back 4 feet behind the center one to catch the third. I told N that they were making the pop flies go directly to them at the center cone, in front of them at the back cone so that they had to run up on it, and behind them when they were at the front cone so they had to back up. We talked about getting his feet ready to move in that direction as he got to each cone.

So, as we were walking to the car, he said "Mom, thanks for the advice about the cones. It really helped." I totally played it cool. I just said "I'm glad. Thanks for saying thanks. That's a really cool thing for you to say, because I didn't want to embarrass you today, and I didn't want to make you crazy telling you what to do." But, I really wanted to pick him up and kiss him for being the SWEETEST kid on earth! What a nice thing to say to your mom! Especially the mom of 3 boys. . .I'm not going to get many chances to be the advice giver. I will honestly never forget it.

Well, there are several other minor things to write about, but now, I actually AM tired, so I'm off to bed. I hope everyone is doing well!

The Point Guard

Somehow, N. continuously excels at every sport he tries. He is so funny about things. His learning style is very similar to mine, in that we DO NOT enjoy not knowing what we are doing. We like to be good at it--immediately. He is smarter about it than I am, though. I mostly just give up if there is something that I don't catch on to right away. He tends to sit back and observe for a while, and then--just do it. (Another reason I am so glad that we chose to wait on starting kindergarten until 6 years old!)

He suddenly is a great skateboarder. That happened sometime last spring. I'm not sure how he learned--or who taught him (other than himself.) It wasn't S. It CERTAINLY wasn't me. I tried to "skate" on his board one day and as soon as I put my second foot on the thing, I realized I had never even STOOD on a skateboard before and that 33 years old was WAY TO LATE to get started. I was frozen and it took me a few seconds to even get off! (But I digress. . .)

Anyway--now he gets on, flies around, goes off a ramp, hangs out at the skatepark--he's not scared. Where does he get that? I have no idea.

In soccer, he reminded me of S and myself. We are basically defensive players when we play sports. S is better than me, and most of my "experience" is remembering WAY back to school days. But, whatever. We are comfortable on defense. N. is too--in soccer.

Then we get to basketball and this kid suddenly is Mr. Attack. He is the point guard for his team. WHAT?!?! HE is "running the offense." Whatever that means. When I played basketball--offense pretty much meant "Please God don't let her throw the ball to me," or "Stand still and draw a charging foul."

N. is LITERALLY dribbling behind his back and between his legs to get around the other team. I'm not joking. He can spin the ball on his finger, bounce it on his knee, and spin it on his finger again. WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT? I don't know. All I can figure is that he is secretly skipping school and hanging out with Michael Jordan (or whoever is today's major basketball star. Shaq?)

They had their first game this weekend. It did not go as well as the beginning of this story might have led you to expect. They lost 9 to 18. But, considering they rallied in the last 2 minutes from a 3 to 18 score--they did pretty well. I think at the end, they suddenly remembered that they knew what they were doing. And they started having fun and quit freaking out. Next week will be better, I'm sure. N. had a really good shot. It was, actually, a "swish." I did not get a shot of it. That seems to be the way things work. I'm so busy cheering and screaming for him, that I forget to take his picture. I will concentrate better next week!

I hope that next week will be better for picture taking. It is taking a little adjusting from the way I took soccer photos, so these aren't great. Just an idea of what he looked like.

OH--and, again, we have been blessed with GREAT coaches. One of them is the older brother of a player on the team. The other coach is this guy's friend. They also have a little brother that is the team mascot. His name is Joey and they call him "Chicken Joe" (like on Surf's Up). The team is the Celtics and Joey has a leprechaun hat that he wore to the game.

The kids love the coaches because they are young (not somebody's dad) and cool and they give everyone nicknames. (N's is "swish"--by N's request. Is that REALLY a nickname?) They are constantly telling the boys how great they are and how cool they are, etc. It is the GREATEST compliment an 8 year old ever received--a high school kid called them cool (I think they actually just graduated, but whatever.)

At each practice, at the end, the coaches pick a player that had the "best practice." It is definitely a big honor to be singled out--but guess what the prize is? The coaches say that you were the best at practice that day--then you get to tell each of your teammates what they did that day that was outstanding. Nice, huh? The kids who are being honored are also made to stop and think about how good the rest of the team is. What a great teambuilding concept. I love it.

I have always believed that sports can teach almost any life lesson--and then I watch my kid's coaches come up with another one that I haven't thought of! I love it!

Christmas Photos

R's Santa Stuff

N's Santa Stuff J's Santa StuffA couple of minutes after coming downstairs. . .
New Skates!
Look at me! Just like Uncle E!! (except I'm naked!)
The sport of the season--BASKETBALL!

Giving vs. Receiving

You know the saying "It is better to give than to receive." I have always felt that way. I LOVE to see the expression on someone's face when they open something that they REALLY wanted that I got them. I think that is so fun. But, when I GET something, I always feel uncomfortable. Basically, I already have so much--I feel unworthy to get a gift. I don't NEED anything. So, I always want to say "You shouldn't have. . ." even though that is cliche--I really feel that way.

Well, this year, for Christmas, my family (at least me anyway) learned a lesson about how good it is to receive.

For one thing, we all had a wonderful Christmas. It was low stress, all the shopping was done early, the presents were mailed on time to the family (except the presents for the Vegas family that we were supposed to take with us when we went to visit--and, of course, left in the middle of the living room floor. . .) Anyway--we had a great Christmas. We spent Christmas eve with our dear friends who have a crazy tradition of always eating KFC on Christmas Eve. I love traditions like that. The ones that are specific to your family (or group) and develop through some weird story. . .anyway--it was fun and didn't require much work!

Christmas day was at our house (same friends of course!) and we had spaghetti. I'm not much of a "traditional American holiday food" fan, so when a holiday is at my house, you can just plan on NOT getting your turkey and sweet potatoes! MY OWN tradition is to make spaghetti for Christmas day! (Be warned, if you ever decide to spend Christmas day at my house--I won't be changing my plans just because you HAVE to have stuffing!)

All of us got everything we wanted for Christmas. The kids' faces were just SO amazing when they opened their gifts from family on Christmas eve. We have always told them that we don't believe in video games at home because we don't want them to become couch potatoes. But, this year, I started thinking about where we might live in the future and what the weather might be like at this time of year, and what they might DO TO THE INSIDE OF MY HOUSE if they didn't have something to entertain them. . .so we decided to relax that rule.

I liked the idea of the Wii, because it is a more physical, interactive video game system. So, one set of grandparents gave the kids money, and that's what we got them. BUT--before we let them open it, we had them open gifts from everyone else. One gift was a Wii game. N. opened it, and said "Oh, mom--look." He was very downspirited.

I said "Honey, they don't know. They don't have kids at home. They probably thought it was a movie or something. We'll take it back to the store and get something else." He said OK and opened another gift--another Wii game. Even sadder face.

Then they opened the last packages. R. and J. each were wrestling with wrapping paper on extra controllers as N. revealed the box--the actual Wii. He was beside himself. He was screaming "We got a Wii! Mom--we got a Wii!!" He was jumping up and down, screaming and yelling and literally looking like a commercial. It was priceless. I think for a moment he considered that we might not let him keep it, but I could tell by his face that he was SURE his grandmother would back him up if he decided to glue himself to it and refuse to give it back! He was truly over the moon!

You can imagine that the grandparents were not impressed that I tried to make them out to be doddering old fools--not knowing what a Wii game was, for goodness sakes!--but it was worth seeing the excitement in him. It is hard to impress an 8 year old you know!

On the other hand, I was silently jumping up and down for the other gift that came with the games--a start to the college funds (sorry--that doesn't actually come with any Wii games--you have to have exceptional grandparents in the family to get it!) Sadly, when they said they wanted to "contribute" to the kids college funds, my only response was "I'm actually hoping for the rapture before college gets here. That's my only plan." So, they decided to start one for each of them. Truly--how does a parent say thank you for THAT kind of gift to their kid?

My darling husband gave me 8, count them--8, workout outfits so that "when you start working, you'll have something to wear." Isn't that sweet? I haven't even gotten my test results yet, and he is CERTAIN that I will have passed and will instantly be overrun with training clients! I also got an Ipod nano and Photoshop Elements. Exactly what I wanted. . .what more can you ask for?

My most sentimental gift is something I've been sort of looking for and wishing for over a few years. I didn't think it was actually out there, so I didn't really search in earnest--but I got this year a paving stone, in the shape of Texas, with a purple and white TCU mosaic on it. Cool, huh? I love it, and I love that I can put it in any yard, wherever I am, and instantly have home there with me.

I don't think S was all that impressed with what I gave him, although they were all things that over the last year he has mentioned liking or wanting. I keep a little slip of paper in my wallet, and when someone mentions liking something, wanting something, or collecting something, I write it down, so I'll have a better idea of what to get at Christmas. He seemed to think they were all OK, but as of yet, hasn't used or relooked at any of it. Maybe I'm not as good at the "giving" part as I thought I was. . .

Isn't it funny how kids are about presents? One gift could cost $100 and another $5, but the $5 one means more than anything else? I love that! When we exchanged presents with the dear friends, it was like that. All of the kids' gifts were REALLY widely different in cost, but all of them were SO happy with what they got (or else they are all 7 really good actors!). That was awesome. I loved that.

That brings me to the lesson. . .

I've been in a lot of conferences and classes where they talk about "skill sets." One of the things that helps us as "more senior" military spouses, is that we have experiences that have helped us to develop various "skill sets." Well, guess what. I do not have the skill set to properly express the gratitude for the gift we were given the day after Christmas.

Actually, as I sit here typing this, I realize that it might not be something that the gift giver wants discussed in this public of a forum--so I'll just say this. They thought nothing of the fact that it was an outrageously amazing gift. They wanted to give it to us (my whole family) and they did. While there was a monetary value attached--that wasn't really relevant. The whole thing was based on friendship and enjoying time together and love for each other that supercedes money or confusion or whatever. I know that is confusing. I didn't mean for it to be when I started writing, but I need to respect the idea that it isn't really completely my story to tell.

So--I'll just say this. It is no secret that this duty station has been very difficult for us financially. And that has put us in the position of not being able to do much for our extended families for gifts and stuff. So, when you are in that spot, you are MUCH more aware of the things that you are RECEIVING, because you can't GIVE much. I don't think we are exceptionally special people, but I do think that when you give a lot of love, it comes back to you--sometimes in ways you don't expect.

This year, we couldn't do elaborate presents or anything like that, but the things that we received were so [I have written 10 words here and none are the RIGHT one to explain how AMAZING it is] that I can't express my feelings. I don't have the skill set to explain to you how truly blessed we are. The friends and family that are in our lives are beyond what anyone has the right to ask for.

No--the person didn't buy us a car or a house or anything like that. It was something much more personal and enjoyable for the whole family--and we are very aware of how lucky we are to have such fortune. We could have half the money we do right now, and still be the richest people in the city!

Christmas photos to follow!!