As I've said so many times, this three years has been an amazing time for our family. The kids have really gotten to form relationships with Daddy, and in turn, he has seen that we are actually pretty cool to spend time with.
The kids and I have another year and a half here in our wonderland, but our time as a family here is over. I am so sad...and it isn't really about the deployment. I am ok with that (the first time in my life I have ever been able to say that!!) But, I am so sad that this is over. The whole time, I knew that it wasn't forever. But, it was SO what I want out of life. It was my dream all my life to have a little family that was never apart--never had to say goodbye--never needed someone that wasn't around...that isn't to be, but for these three years I got to live it.
I wish I could say that it was not as great as I thought it would be, but that would not be true. It was great. And now it ends. I still love Army life and will be happy to get "home," but I will so miss this "domestication" that we've had here.
In the next few days I will post some pictures--I've been collecting them up, since I have had computer issues. They are random, since they go back a few "events" but I guess that is appropriate, since it is a wrap up for the end of this time...
I love my husband, and I am so proud of what he does--but I will so miss this "home every night" dad and husband...he was really good at it too.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Another Profound Revelation
The other day, I heard God’s voice say “You’ve learned to say ‘Please,’ now learn to say ‘Thank you.’” I tend to slack off in my prayer life when things are going well (another reason the sermon from the previous post connected with me) but I get really chatty with God when I need some help. The last couple of weeks I have been putting effort into thank yous.
That includes little mundane things “Thank you God, for helping me find my spiral notebook so I didn’t have to recreate from memory the to do list for the Sock Hop.” To the big things “Thank you God for this mess with the house so that I have an opportunity to show You how I’ve heard You and learned (or am learning) the lessons You are showing me.”
Today I was just sitting on my front porch having a little chat with God and saying thank you for all kinds of things (like both of the above) and N came out and asked what I was doing. I told him I was talking to God. He asked if I was worried about something. I said “Nope. I’m actually not worried about anything if you can believe it! I was just saying thank you for a lot of stuff.”
The conversation then moved on to why grape flavored powerade is blue when it should obviously be purple…but not before I realized that was ANOTHER reason to say thank you—my kid came out and caught me praying, and I got to share with him a little moment of interaction with God. I want them to know that is the difference between a personal relationship with Him and just a belief that includes going to church and praying before meals.
I could TELL them that, but the fact is—they don’t listen so great. I’m kidding (partly). What I mean is that they listen to me, but obviously we all learn better from something we see in action than what we are told! So, THANK YOU God for giving me an opportunity to share You with my son. I hope he was not so distracted by the inaccurate powerade coloring that he actually caught it!!
That includes little mundane things “Thank you God, for helping me find my spiral notebook so I didn’t have to recreate from memory the to do list for the Sock Hop.” To the big things “Thank you God for this mess with the house so that I have an opportunity to show You how I’ve heard You and learned (or am learning) the lessons You are showing me.”
Today I was just sitting on my front porch having a little chat with God and saying thank you for all kinds of things (like both of the above) and N came out and asked what I was doing. I told him I was talking to God. He asked if I was worried about something. I said “Nope. I’m actually not worried about anything if you can believe it! I was just saying thank you for a lot of stuff.”
The conversation then moved on to why grape flavored powerade is blue when it should obviously be purple…but not before I realized that was ANOTHER reason to say thank you—my kid came out and caught me praying, and I got to share with him a little moment of interaction with God. I want them to know that is the difference between a personal relationship with Him and just a belief that includes going to church and praying before meals.
I could TELL them that, but the fact is—they don’t listen so great. I’m kidding (partly). What I mean is that they listen to me, but obviously we all learn better from something we see in action than what we are told! So, THANK YOU God for giving me an opportunity to share You with my son. I hope he was not so distracted by the inaccurate powerade coloring that he actually caught it!!
Tests
At church on Sunday the sermon was about tests and trials that we face. It was interesting, because I had been thinking about that same thing, involving two different current issues in my life, all week.
Ray’s message was about how sometimes God lets us face difficulties to remind us to RELY on him. Basically, it is easy to say that you trust God when all is going swimmingly, but if things are tough, do we turn to Him or try to handle it ourselves?
So, here are my two issues. First, we found out that the owners of our house are moving back here this summer. They weren’t going to tell us, because they didn’t want us to move out now and leave them without the rental income for several months. They were just going to keep pretending that we were able to stay indefinitely, and then when summer came, give us 30 days notice to move out. When I finally forced the issue of a new lease, they admitted that they were coming back, but offered us a moving allowance if we would agree to stay until the summer. My biggest concern has been the idea of having to move while S is deployed, so their solution was that they would pay for the movers—hard to turn down (although the angry part of me wanted to just move now and tell them to you know what!!)
Now, several things go into this process. I wanted to be moved and settled before S left. And, I really want to keep the kids in the same elementary school, so my options would be limited if I wanted to move right now (there weren’t any available that I have found). I have a friend who is moving this summer, so then we WOULD be in the same school district and I wouldn’t have to find a place (and our current house’s owners would be paying…) Then, there is the possibility that the family WON’T move back here, but they won’t know for a few more months. So, I agreed to the 6 month lease extension, with the moving allowance. Two hours later, the house directly across the street from us had a “for rent” sign in front of it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I could move myself in laundry baskets (any Vilseck ladies remember THAT fun time??). That house has an amazing view of about 60 miles of coastline. I felt sick.
I thought about calling the property manager back and saying I had changed my mind, but I didn’t. I’ve decided that this is God’s way of helping me learn to wait for His plan. I am trying really hard to stop forcing things to happen the way I want them. If God wants me in that house, it will still be available in July (it’s possible—I’ve watched it sit empty for months before.) Otherwise, our friend’s house will be available or we’ll somehow get to stay here or SOMETHING. I decided that I had already given my word, and if God wanted me to move right now, that sign would have gone up a day earlier. So, it is actually taking physical force to convince myself not to worry about it—but so far I am doing a pretty good job of leaving it in God’s hands. (Although my pulse does quicken every time I see someone over there looking at the house, and I have several times considered stealing the For Rent sign!)
The second issue is in relation to the deployment itself. I have often heard the quote from Mother Theresa “God only gives us as much as we can handle—I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” Sometimes when I hear that, I think “Maybe God doesn’t trust me very much” since I have not had any really horrible things to deal with (not that I’m not very GRATEFUL). I have always felt like my childhood was training me to survive Army wife life. I’m really really bad at goodbyes—I’ll never be good at it, but I have learned MANY coping skills, and there are several other examples . . .
The other thing is that my “Army wife life” has been very gradual. S deployed right after we got married for 7 months, but we didn’t have kids and I was working so I was really busy. We had a couple of years off, and then he deployed while we were in Germany—I had N and R was on the way, but S got to come home for the birth and we had EXCELLENT friends and lots of support. The next deployment was hard on me…even though it was the shortest, we were in a very awkward spot and it was a difficult time for us. We got put into some unusual situations, which have given me a unique perspective on a lot of things. It also taught me a lot of lessons I might not have learned otherwise.
And here we are on the brink of the next deployment. It will be the longest we have ever faced. It will be the first of J’s life, and the first one that R will remember. We are not near any Army family or blood family, so that type of support is minimal. But, here’s the thing. We will be fine. I have honestly never felt that way before a deployment. I have always had such DREAD. (If you want to hear the workings of a truly disturbed mind, remind me to tell you the story of the day S went back to Kosovo after R was born or how I couldn’t be alone in a car right before Iraq or what happened when I thought S had menengitis. . .) I have changed a lot in the last 3 years. I think the pace of our lives has been slowed to the point that I could actually digest and LEARN from the craziness of the previous 9 years. I am even starting to write them down.
Also, I have seen MANY examples of how to handle deployments and the situations that they present (some good examples; some TRULY bad examples!!) And, here’s the thing…here’s how it all goes back to Ray’s sermon. I have LEARNED those lessons. I have. I might not have instantly recognized them for what they were, but in the last 3 years I have sifted through them all in my mind, and I am ready. I know that means I am not as strong as a lot of Army wives—many people got thrown straight into their first deployment right after getting married and moving to a foreign country—and it lasted 15 months. I have had a chance to ease into it.
God is going to be proud of me. I WILL not let Him down. I will set a good example for my kids and I will make my husband proud. Sometimes we talk about the “bigger picture” that God sees that we don’t. If that is true, then this is a pretty good illustration of it. Basically, 30 years in the making from divorced parents to immobilizing fear of college, to devastation at being “abandoned” during a deployment, to near divorce myself, to being “stabbed in the back” by so called friends, to being saved by leaders who truly cared about what was best for us, to getting a 3 year “break” to process it all. . .now is the time to put those lessons into action. I guess it is good that I had all that training, because I won’t have my Army family around for this one. . .maybe that was God’s reason for letting it happen this way. So I could be my own support.
After this deployment we will go to a school for a year, and then we’ll go back to a regular unit. I hope all of this, combined with what I learn DURING the deployment, means that at that next unit I will be able to be a good resource to younger wives. I had a lot of people to help me in the past, but I also had several people who said and did some BAD things to me, and it was all based on the fact that they had NO IDEA what I was going through. They assumed that they knew my story (and they assumed the worst!) I hope that I have learned to be more compassionate, to look for the deeper story, and to not judge as much as I might have before all of that happened.
Ray’s message was about how sometimes God lets us face difficulties to remind us to RELY on him. Basically, it is easy to say that you trust God when all is going swimmingly, but if things are tough, do we turn to Him or try to handle it ourselves?
So, here are my two issues. First, we found out that the owners of our house are moving back here this summer. They weren’t going to tell us, because they didn’t want us to move out now and leave them without the rental income for several months. They were just going to keep pretending that we were able to stay indefinitely, and then when summer came, give us 30 days notice to move out. When I finally forced the issue of a new lease, they admitted that they were coming back, but offered us a moving allowance if we would agree to stay until the summer. My biggest concern has been the idea of having to move while S is deployed, so their solution was that they would pay for the movers—hard to turn down (although the angry part of me wanted to just move now and tell them to you know what!!)
Now, several things go into this process. I wanted to be moved and settled before S left. And, I really want to keep the kids in the same elementary school, so my options would be limited if I wanted to move right now (there weren’t any available that I have found). I have a friend who is moving this summer, so then we WOULD be in the same school district and I wouldn’t have to find a place (and our current house’s owners would be paying…) Then, there is the possibility that the family WON’T move back here, but they won’t know for a few more months. So, I agreed to the 6 month lease extension, with the moving allowance. Two hours later, the house directly across the street from us had a “for rent” sign in front of it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I could move myself in laundry baskets (any Vilseck ladies remember THAT fun time??). That house has an amazing view of about 60 miles of coastline. I felt sick.
I thought about calling the property manager back and saying I had changed my mind, but I didn’t. I’ve decided that this is God’s way of helping me learn to wait for His plan. I am trying really hard to stop forcing things to happen the way I want them. If God wants me in that house, it will still be available in July (it’s possible—I’ve watched it sit empty for months before.) Otherwise, our friend’s house will be available or we’ll somehow get to stay here or SOMETHING. I decided that I had already given my word, and if God wanted me to move right now, that sign would have gone up a day earlier. So, it is actually taking physical force to convince myself not to worry about it—but so far I am doing a pretty good job of leaving it in God’s hands. (Although my pulse does quicken every time I see someone over there looking at the house, and I have several times considered stealing the For Rent sign!)
The second issue is in relation to the deployment itself. I have often heard the quote from Mother Theresa “God only gives us as much as we can handle—I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” Sometimes when I hear that, I think “Maybe God doesn’t trust me very much” since I have not had any really horrible things to deal with (not that I’m not very GRATEFUL). I have always felt like my childhood was training me to survive Army wife life. I’m really really bad at goodbyes—I’ll never be good at it, but I have learned MANY coping skills, and there are several other examples . . .
The other thing is that my “Army wife life” has been very gradual. S deployed right after we got married for 7 months, but we didn’t have kids and I was working so I was really busy. We had a couple of years off, and then he deployed while we were in Germany—I had N and R was on the way, but S got to come home for the birth and we had EXCELLENT friends and lots of support. The next deployment was hard on me…even though it was the shortest, we were in a very awkward spot and it was a difficult time for us. We got put into some unusual situations, which have given me a unique perspective on a lot of things. It also taught me a lot of lessons I might not have learned otherwise.
And here we are on the brink of the next deployment. It will be the longest we have ever faced. It will be the first of J’s life, and the first one that R will remember. We are not near any Army family or blood family, so that type of support is minimal. But, here’s the thing. We will be fine. I have honestly never felt that way before a deployment. I have always had such DREAD. (If you want to hear the workings of a truly disturbed mind, remind me to tell you the story of the day S went back to Kosovo after R was born or how I couldn’t be alone in a car right before Iraq or what happened when I thought S had menengitis. . .) I have changed a lot in the last 3 years. I think the pace of our lives has been slowed to the point that I could actually digest and LEARN from the craziness of the previous 9 years. I am even starting to write them down.
Also, I have seen MANY examples of how to handle deployments and the situations that they present (some good examples; some TRULY bad examples!!) And, here’s the thing…here’s how it all goes back to Ray’s sermon. I have LEARNED those lessons. I have. I might not have instantly recognized them for what they were, but in the last 3 years I have sifted through them all in my mind, and I am ready. I know that means I am not as strong as a lot of Army wives—many people got thrown straight into their first deployment right after getting married and moving to a foreign country—and it lasted 15 months. I have had a chance to ease into it.
God is going to be proud of me. I WILL not let Him down. I will set a good example for my kids and I will make my husband proud. Sometimes we talk about the “bigger picture” that God sees that we don’t. If that is true, then this is a pretty good illustration of it. Basically, 30 years in the making from divorced parents to immobilizing fear of college, to devastation at being “abandoned” during a deployment, to near divorce myself, to being “stabbed in the back” by so called friends, to being saved by leaders who truly cared about what was best for us, to getting a 3 year “break” to process it all. . .now is the time to put those lessons into action. I guess it is good that I had all that training, because I won’t have my Army family around for this one. . .maybe that was God’s reason for letting it happen this way. So I could be my own support.
After this deployment we will go to a school for a year, and then we’ll go back to a regular unit. I hope all of this, combined with what I learn DURING the deployment, means that at that next unit I will be able to be a good resource to younger wives. I had a lot of people to help me in the past, but I also had several people who said and did some BAD things to me, and it was all based on the fact that they had NO IDEA what I was going through. They assumed that they knew my story (and they assumed the worst!) I hope that I have learned to be more compassionate, to look for the deeper story, and to not judge as much as I might have before all of that happened.
The first of a few posts on Recent Observations and Lessons
Some very random things have been going through my head lately. I know—no one is shocked by that. However, the interesting thing about this randomness is that it has been so profound! Not like Socrates-profound; more like “I’m only capable of learning things through self-revelation and never take good advice and save myself some heartache” profound. What an awesome sentence…I truly should write a book. The pile of rejection letters would be staggering! Anyway, I digress (surprise!!)
So, this will most likely be a very long, uninteresting post to most of you. However, since I tend to use this blog as a mini-diary sometimes, I thought I would write this down so I can look back on it in weak moments. (I recently determined to try to only speak/act in strong moments and only listen in weak ones. . .)
First of all, yesterday afternoon there was a light saber in the middle of the doorway to my bedroom. I almost never play with light sabers, so I was certain it was not mine. I have caught S. playing with them periodically with the kids, but he is much better than the rest of us at putting away his toys, so I ruled him out too. Here’s the thing. We (meaning I) have been on a kick with getting mad about stuff lying around. Seriously, I am not a maid or a servant. I am trying to convince my children of this for two reasons. One, it will drastically reduce my workload, and two, as I have said many times before—I want their wives to like me.
Anyway—since we have had MANY lectures/screaming fits/threats/etc. lately about toys left strewn about, you would think this light saber would have sent me into hysterics. Not only was it left randomly about, but it was in the doorway (I am quite clumsy—sprained ankle waiting to happen) of MY room—is nowhere in the house immune to this cyclone of disaster???
And yet, surprisingly, I did not turn into a screaming lunatic. I did not even make someone confess to having left it there. I laughed. Really? That’s ridiculous. Let’s not even go into the Parenthood Rules that insist on consistency…just based on my OWN pattern of behavior, shouldn’t I have gone nuts?
Well, instead here’s what I thought: That is the perfect analogy for describing our family right now. It wasn’t a huge mess that warranted me freaking out (although—are the EVER going to pick up their junk??) It was just a light saber left in the floor. Hilarious. Anywhere else you might say “Where in the world did this come from?” but in our house it makes perfect sense. A light saber in the floor of the doorway. Boys live here. Their friends are comfortable here. We have games of Making the Band and Cops and Robbers and Hideaway going on simultaneously. And, apparently, Star Wars as well. Of course there was a light saber on the floor…what else would be there? A basketball? A golf club? A paper monarch butterfly? Well, yes, but all of those things were on the floor downstairs. . .
It isn’t really all that interesting or amazing that a light saber was in my floor—but for that moment it reminded me that I have 3 little boys that live here that are pretty darn great. They won’t be little very long, and in the grand scheme of things, they won’t even live here very long. It is pretty awesome this little Monkey House family we have.
So, this will most likely be a very long, uninteresting post to most of you. However, since I tend to use this blog as a mini-diary sometimes, I thought I would write this down so I can look back on it in weak moments. (I recently determined to try to only speak/act in strong moments and only listen in weak ones. . .)
First of all, yesterday afternoon there was a light saber in the middle of the doorway to my bedroom. I almost never play with light sabers, so I was certain it was not mine. I have caught S. playing with them periodically with the kids, but he is much better than the rest of us at putting away his toys, so I ruled him out too. Here’s the thing. We (meaning I) have been on a kick with getting mad about stuff lying around. Seriously, I am not a maid or a servant. I am trying to convince my children of this for two reasons. One, it will drastically reduce my workload, and two, as I have said many times before—I want their wives to like me.
Anyway—since we have had MANY lectures/screaming fits/threats/etc. lately about toys left strewn about, you would think this light saber would have sent me into hysterics. Not only was it left randomly about, but it was in the doorway (I am quite clumsy—sprained ankle waiting to happen) of MY room—is nowhere in the house immune to this cyclone of disaster???
And yet, surprisingly, I did not turn into a screaming lunatic. I did not even make someone confess to having left it there. I laughed. Really? That’s ridiculous. Let’s not even go into the Parenthood Rules that insist on consistency…just based on my OWN pattern of behavior, shouldn’t I have gone nuts?
Well, instead here’s what I thought: That is the perfect analogy for describing our family right now. It wasn’t a huge mess that warranted me freaking out (although—are the EVER going to pick up their junk??) It was just a light saber left in the floor. Hilarious. Anywhere else you might say “Where in the world did this come from?” but in our house it makes perfect sense. A light saber in the floor of the doorway. Boys live here. Their friends are comfortable here. We have games of Making the Band and Cops and Robbers and Hideaway going on simultaneously. And, apparently, Star Wars as well. Of course there was a light saber on the floor…what else would be there? A basketball? A golf club? A paper monarch butterfly? Well, yes, but all of those things were on the floor downstairs. . .
It isn’t really all that interesting or amazing that a light saber was in my floor—but for that moment it reminded me that I have 3 little boys that live here that are pretty darn great. They won’t be little very long, and in the grand scheme of things, they won’t even live here very long. It is pretty awesome this little Monkey House family we have.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Online Coupons
If you are a bargain hunter like I am, you will love these sites! I like to shop online, because I am not a "shopper." I don't think it is fun to go wander through stores, and I am cheap. I usually only buy things that I need--and only that thing. I always look online to see if I can get a better deal, and if I can find free shipping, I would always rather wait a few days for it to arrive than have to go to a store and have it immediately. Maybe that will change when I can shop alone, but for now--dragging three kids along is just not worth ANY purchase!
Anyway--these websites: fatwallet.com and retailmenot.com have coupons for online purchases. ANYTHING that you are going to buy online, go to these first and see if they have a coupon. So far I have used them for snapfish, expedia, skinit and something else I can't remember right now. You just search the website that you are going to purchase from, and then it pulls up all the coupon codes that they have for that site.
Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't have one for what you want to buy, but usually you can find something! Whether it is free shipping, a set dollar amount off, a percentage off, or something free with your purchase. You can enter the coupon code at the "checkout" and then hit "reprice" or "apply discount" or whatever your purchase site uses. If it doesn't work, go back and see if you can find a different coupon that will. The coupon sites are pretty self-explanatory.
I got free shipping from the unrememberable place, 20 free prints at snapfish, 15% off at skinit, and I found an outrageous deal on a hotel room in Vegas at Expedia--and then got $50 off of that! It is awesome!!
I LOVE A GOOD DEAL!!!!!
Anyway--these websites: fatwallet.com and retailmenot.com have coupons for online purchases. ANYTHING that you are going to buy online, go to these first and see if they have a coupon. So far I have used them for snapfish, expedia, skinit and something else I can't remember right now. You just search the website that you are going to purchase from, and then it pulls up all the coupon codes that they have for that site.
Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't have one for what you want to buy, but usually you can find something! Whether it is free shipping, a set dollar amount off, a percentage off, or something free with your purchase. You can enter the coupon code at the "checkout" and then hit "reprice" or "apply discount" or whatever your purchase site uses. If it doesn't work, go back and see if you can find a different coupon that will. The coupon sites are pretty self-explanatory.
I got free shipping from the unrememberable place, 20 free prints at snapfish, 15% off at skinit, and I found an outrageous deal on a hotel room in Vegas at Expedia--and then got $50 off of that! It is awesome!!
I LOVE A GOOD DEAL!!!!!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Sick
My grandmother is sick. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a big deal, since most people my age have had at least one grandparent die. Well, I haven't. All 4 of mine are still alive--in various stages of health, but alive.
This grandmother is special, though. Most people would tell you that she is a pain in the ass. They would tell you that in a nicer way, of course, but that's what they would be thinking. Well, as most of you know, I get that from her. You probably all think that of me as well. And that's ok. Because the reason she is a pain in the ass is that she would fight to the death for someone she loves or something she believes in, and I think that is true of me too. And really, she doesn't care what that makes other people think of her. She has specific beliefs and values, and if you cross them, you're done.
She got married at 14 and had my dad a year and a half later. Two girls followed him. She lives in east Texas in a small town and raised three kids that are all great people. She's endured a lot and supported a lot of other people who have endured a lot. She took care of us when we were in really painful stages of life, and will tell you EXACTLY what you needed to do--even if you don't want to hear it.
I know that a lot of people don't like me, and consider me "strong willed" (my parents' words for describing me as a kid) but I have to tell you, there are a LOT of times in my life I probably wouldn't have survived without exactly that character trait that came directly from my Mimi.
She starts making the next meal as soon as she's finished cleaning up the previous, and she always makes the favorite thing of the person visiting. She always has pound cake on the counter and she taught me to make fudge. She cooks the only sloppy joes in the world that taste good to me, even though I've bought the same seasoning packet that she does, it still doesn't taste right when I make it.
She gave me my first diamond and didn't get mad when I lost it (I found it later--I still wear it on my pinkie). When my dad was single with two kids at home, I remember her coming to our house to rearrange the pictures on the wall so it didn't look like there were holes in the decor, and she told my dad how to make macaroni and cheese over the phone when long distance calls were expensive.
She was truly PISSED OFF at my mom when my parents got divorced, but she still loved my mom and has supported her too. When my stepdad died last year, she was one of the first ones to call and talk to my mom.
She takes care of everyone around her. Its built in to her nature. They are my shining example of a successful marriage. Almost every "grown up" I knew as a kid had been divorced. When I got married, I wasn't really sure that it was even possible NOT to get divorced. I think of them when that occurs to me. They can't possibly have had it easy. They didn't have any money when they were first married. They don't always agree on everything. Their interests have been different a lot. And yet, they love each other completely. I guess that comes from making a choice to be committed to a person, and following through on that promise. They just never saw walking away as an option.
When I talked to my grandfather the other day, he sounded like a little kid. He scared, and so is she. They don't really know how to live without each other, I guess. I can't imagine what either of them would do without the other. It makes me think of the saying "two sides of the same coin." They are very different from one another, but they haven't really existed separately in so long. . .How many memories do you have of life before you were 14? I don't have a lot. That's when she got married. They've been married 58 years. My life is already so entertwined with S's now, and we've only been together for 15 years. . .I can't imagine 4 times that long.
So, I am sad. A few years ago, Mimi told me that she wished her house had another bathroom. She said "If I were younger, I'd add another one on, but I don't have that many years left." I almost threw up. I truly felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I can't imagine her not being a presence in my life. I asked her not to say things like that, but she said "Well, it's true." Of course, that was easy to say when everyone was feeling fine.
I talked to her the other day, and she said she felt better, since she got some medicine. She said she wasn't worried and that I shouldn't either because what good does that do? I can't stand it. I feel so sad. Even though I know that MY everyday life won't change, I can't imagine not calling her and hearing her say "Well HI!" (East Texas accent: "Whale Hiiiiiaaayyy!") and asking me "What are you cookin' for supper?"
I'm praying that she will get better, but the fact is that someday she will die. She's the only person that never considered my personality a bad thing. I think I'm her mirror. I've always felt that way, but never really put words to it. I don't think it is a bad thing. . .maybe other people do, but if they ever needed me or Mimi to protect them. . .they wouldn't think so anymore.
What the hell am I talking about? I have no idea. I just know that I believe that death is a reward for the one dying, but the ones left sure do suffer.
Our pastor says that your last breath on earth is immediately followed by your first breath in heaven. I find a great deal of comfort in that, even though it doesn't make anything different. I guess I will focus on that.
I think part of my problem is that these are the times that I HATE living so far from home. Guilt and helplessness. That's what I feel. Guilt for not being there, and helplessness because I can't change that and I can't do anything to help from here.
This sucks. That's all there is to it. I'm going to go to see her in a few weeks. If she gets better then great--I got an extra visit. But, if she doesn't--I can't stand the idea of not saying goodbye. . .
This grandmother is special, though. Most people would tell you that she is a pain in the ass. They would tell you that in a nicer way, of course, but that's what they would be thinking. Well, as most of you know, I get that from her. You probably all think that of me as well. And that's ok. Because the reason she is a pain in the ass is that she would fight to the death for someone she loves or something she believes in, and I think that is true of me too. And really, she doesn't care what that makes other people think of her. She has specific beliefs and values, and if you cross them, you're done.
She got married at 14 and had my dad a year and a half later. Two girls followed him. She lives in east Texas in a small town and raised three kids that are all great people. She's endured a lot and supported a lot of other people who have endured a lot. She took care of us when we were in really painful stages of life, and will tell you EXACTLY what you needed to do--even if you don't want to hear it.
I know that a lot of people don't like me, and consider me "strong willed" (my parents' words for describing me as a kid) but I have to tell you, there are a LOT of times in my life I probably wouldn't have survived without exactly that character trait that came directly from my Mimi.
She starts making the next meal as soon as she's finished cleaning up the previous, and she always makes the favorite thing of the person visiting. She always has pound cake on the counter and she taught me to make fudge. She cooks the only sloppy joes in the world that taste good to me, even though I've bought the same seasoning packet that she does, it still doesn't taste right when I make it.
She gave me my first diamond and didn't get mad when I lost it (I found it later--I still wear it on my pinkie). When my dad was single with two kids at home, I remember her coming to our house to rearrange the pictures on the wall so it didn't look like there were holes in the decor, and she told my dad how to make macaroni and cheese over the phone when long distance calls were expensive.
She was truly PISSED OFF at my mom when my parents got divorced, but she still loved my mom and has supported her too. When my stepdad died last year, she was one of the first ones to call and talk to my mom.
She takes care of everyone around her. Its built in to her nature. They are my shining example of a successful marriage. Almost every "grown up" I knew as a kid had been divorced. When I got married, I wasn't really sure that it was even possible NOT to get divorced. I think of them when that occurs to me. They can't possibly have had it easy. They didn't have any money when they were first married. They don't always agree on everything. Their interests have been different a lot. And yet, they love each other completely. I guess that comes from making a choice to be committed to a person, and following through on that promise. They just never saw walking away as an option.
When I talked to my grandfather the other day, he sounded like a little kid. He scared, and so is she. They don't really know how to live without each other, I guess. I can't imagine what either of them would do without the other. It makes me think of the saying "two sides of the same coin." They are very different from one another, but they haven't really existed separately in so long. . .How many memories do you have of life before you were 14? I don't have a lot. That's when she got married. They've been married 58 years. My life is already so entertwined with S's now, and we've only been together for 15 years. . .I can't imagine 4 times that long.
So, I am sad. A few years ago, Mimi told me that she wished her house had another bathroom. She said "If I were younger, I'd add another one on, but I don't have that many years left." I almost threw up. I truly felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I can't imagine her not being a presence in my life. I asked her not to say things like that, but she said "Well, it's true." Of course, that was easy to say when everyone was feeling fine.
I talked to her the other day, and she said she felt better, since she got some medicine. She said she wasn't worried and that I shouldn't either because what good does that do? I can't stand it. I feel so sad. Even though I know that MY everyday life won't change, I can't imagine not calling her and hearing her say "Well HI!" (East Texas accent: "Whale Hiiiiiaaayyy!") and asking me "What are you cookin' for supper?"
I'm praying that she will get better, but the fact is that someday she will die. She's the only person that never considered my personality a bad thing. I think I'm her mirror. I've always felt that way, but never really put words to it. I don't think it is a bad thing. . .maybe other people do, but if they ever needed me or Mimi to protect them. . .they wouldn't think so anymore.
What the hell am I talking about? I have no idea. I just know that I believe that death is a reward for the one dying, but the ones left sure do suffer.
Our pastor says that your last breath on earth is immediately followed by your first breath in heaven. I find a great deal of comfort in that, even though it doesn't make anything different. I guess I will focus on that.
I think part of my problem is that these are the times that I HATE living so far from home. Guilt and helplessness. That's what I feel. Guilt for not being there, and helplessness because I can't change that and I can't do anything to help from here.
This sucks. That's all there is to it. I'm going to go to see her in a few weeks. If she gets better then great--I got an extra visit. But, if she doesn't--I can't stand the idea of not saying goodbye. . .
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