My stepfather died this week. He was a heart disease patient for 11 1/2 years. He had an LVAD and a heart transplant. He got really sick lots of times, and better lots of times. But, this time he didn't. I got to Texas on Saturday and he got progressively worse through the weekend. Monday, it was obvious that it wasn't going to get better. I stayed in the room with my mom and my aunt until the very end. Maybe I'll write more about that some time. I'm not sure I can.I've never seen a dead person before. This was a pretty awful way to see the first one. He was in BAD shape by the end--tubes, wires, etc. It wasn't fun to look at. But, the truly most horrible thing in the world was to watch my mom say goodbye to him as he took his last breaths.
The funeral wasn't until today (Saturday) so the week was LONG and hard. But, in a way, it was good that it was so many days in between. It gave her some time to get through the worse "hysterical" part of the pain, and get to the place where she could appreciate the celebratory part of the service. It also gave me a chance to see her make a few tiny steps of progress. It is going to be so horrible for her. The idea of her coming home to an empty house for the first time just rips my heart out.
It has been just the two of them for so long, that I can't imagine what she'll do. I don't want her to have to do it. She is saying things like "I'm going to make some plans" and "I have some ideas" and things like that. I know that means she is on the road to survival, but it will be such a long road. . .I don't want to think of it. She was able to smile a lot today. That made it a little better.
I have to leave tomorrow. I think there is a special place in hell for a person who leaves her mother the day after her husband's funeral. But, I've been here for a week and I have to get home. We are going to Hawaii for the Wheel of Fortune trip on Wednesday. I was going to cancel, but my mom really wanted us to go. Originally, she and my stepdad were supposed to come watch the kids. We have a new plan, but it is still sad. Again--a special place in hell--not only do I leave my mother the day after her husband's funeral--but I leave and go to Hawaii?? What kind of person DOES that?
I think she is ready to have her house back. My sisters and my aunt and I have all been here all week (wow--I thought infantrymen had bad language--you should hear a house full of women when one of them just lost a husband!!) She has definitely been glad we were here, but I think there will be a sense of relief when we go. She will be sad to say goodbye, but that would be the case if we left now, or in a month. I am really GLAD that she is ready for us to go. It would be much worse if she was saying she couldn't make it if we left her. I know that she is in as healthy a place as she can be right now, but my heart still breaks for her.
A lot of times I feel guilty for not being "home" when things happen. When my grandfather had surgery, when my siblings' kids were born, even when they have happy family gatherings--I just HATE that I am not here. I'm the oldest child and I contribute nothing. I know it is great that S. serves in the military and we are contributing to the bigger picture, but my family is a pretty big picture to me, and I have failed them over and over--and now I will do that again tomorrow when I leave my mother crying in her driveway.
I don't really think any of this post makes any sense. I haven't really tried. I wanted to write something down, but a lot of the details are too MUCH right now to be able to get them out coherently. So, for now, I guess it is just therapy to write it out--as much as I am able.
10 comments:
Hang in there A. Your Mom is a strong lady and sometimes people need some time alone to process and heal. I think it's very important for you and S to go to Hawaii. No better time to get away and try and heal with your husband. You are not a terrible daughter, the kind of person you are A, is never anything but kind, loving and caring. Stop beating yourself up. We are so sorry for your families loss. Take care, we send our love.
It was so good to get to see you this past weekend. Happier circumstances preferred but nonetheless, it was still good to see you and for you to be there for your mom. Sister to sister, you have never let us down. We understand your role and accept that. Praise God for your husband and the many other families who sacrifice for our country. Do we want yall "home" sure, but we try to not be selfish...Sometimes poorly, but others we know you and your family are helping millions! So we will continue to read the blog to keep in touch with boys and the going ons in your life. Love you all very much. KB
My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. I have been struggling with "the guilt of not being closer to home" also as my father has been in ICU for the past two weeks. He seems to be healing slowly and getting progressively better, so I have been rationalizing the reason I am not there to help. But, I am with you, I too am the oldest and HATE that I am not there. (It's even better because my little sister attempts to make me feel guilty that I am not helping out.) Then add in the fact that we are moving even farther away and I can really do nothing but take a deep breath and realize that my parents raised me to be independent and are happy that my life is what it is. They know that I am not choosing to be 'far away' it is just a condition that accompanies my grown-up life. They know that I would be there if I could. You are NOT a bad person and just the opposite of what you think, there is probably a special place in Heaven for you. You are not failing your family, NEVER think that way! And, enjoy your break in Hawaii! You have worked hard as a wife and a daughter and for yourself to look stunning in a bathing suit and you more than deserve this trip. It is about time that you take care of yourself and your marriage after years of taking care of everyone else.
I kind of thought I was out of tears...but here I am crying again as I read yall's comments. Thanks for the encouragement. Logically, I know that my parents are proud of us (and me)--but emotionally. . .(and we all know which one tends to rule my brain most of the time!) Thanks again for the support. I think that's one of the greatest things about keeping a blog. You can get "cyber hugs" even when you ARE far away!
We love you Aunt A!
G and R
A I am sending you a hug<--<3-->:0(
I am so sorry for your loss and I am not even good at what to say. Know though that you are NOT a bad person for having to leave. You are a great mom and your kids need you right now too.
Hawaii will be good for you. You can get a chance to get away and heal. PLUS you know your skinny little a## is going to look good in a bathing suit!:0) If I lost all that weight and it were just Joe and I, I would be showin' my body off!!!
Hang in there....it WILL get better I promise.
I'm sorry to read about your loss, A. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. :)
nicole--
if you read these comments, could you add me to your blog list? i forgot to ask to be on the list before you changed it over and i can't find your email address!
Thanks!
A
I'm so sorry to hear about your bad news. I hope you can enjoy your trip to Hawaii. You earned it and it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Just remember all of us poor saps stuck in the cold who are jealous! Take care.
"BoBo" I think you are one of the best young ladies that I have known, even if your are my Grandaughter, don't be so hard on yourself we all Love you. PaPa
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