This is kind of a random subject--but I am doing an informal survey. I think people who stay in the same place forever don't really think much about this--because everyone does the same thing. But, since we move a lot, and we are from different places. . .it is different everywhere we go, and can cause some issues.
Where I grew up, in a very small town, we all knew each other. We called grown ups by their first names. if parents had their children refer to a grown up by "Miz (the Texas version of Mrs. OR Miss) Last Name" it was an indication to that adult that we would not be developing a relationship. It was basically a parent's way to say "We don't know you. We aren't going to know you. You and I will not be friends." without actually saying those words--and maintaining a hospitable, courteous manner (meaning--using the kids to be the mouthpiece!) I don't think it was intentional--it was just that we were such a small community that we were very much like family with most of the people.
In the Army community, it seems very common to use "Miss Firstname." I like it, because it seems respectful, but not formal. some people insist on last names, but it seems so out of place among all of the other kids, that it tends to stick out.
Here, the kids all use Mrs. Lastname. I think it is weird. I know it isn't intended to be standoffish, but it feels that way to me. I don't tell any of the kids to call me by my first name, since I think they should do what their parents prefer, but I really don't like it. I feel like they are more comfortable with me if they can say "Ms. A. . ."
Without realizing my error, when we first got here, I taught my kids "Ms. Firstname" for everyone. As I started to realize that no one here did that. . .I tried to teach the kids differently, but they are little, and the change has been hard. Some of the adults are pretty odd in the way they respond to it as well, but some of the people here are odd about a lot of things.
I kind of thought we should go to using last names unless otherwise invited, but that doesn't work with little kids. They have to learn the first thing you tell them.
Last names are also very hard for them to pronouce sometimes. And, if I don't know the correct pronounciation (that has happened a couple of times) I don't know what to tell them. AND--my kids are better about it now as they get a little older, but all three of them have had trouble knowing the difference between Mr. and Mrs. They either think that whatever last name it is refers to only one person, or they call the man Mrs. and the woman Mr. half the time. It took me a couple of months to figure out that R. thought that one of his friends only had one parent. . .he didn't know that I was talking about two different people with Mr. and Mrs. Then when he met them, he just thought the had the same name, so he would say "Mrs. M--the mom Mrs. M--said I could come to a playdate." Or, "Mrs. M--the dad Mrs. M--he's really tall."
So, basically, I ask adults now what they want my kids to call them. That might not be the best approach--but it works for me. My question is: What do you prefer kids call you? Not the ones that are close close. Like the our kids call the McFamily Aunt S and Uncle G, and their kids do the same for us. I don't mean those kids. And not the kids that are your students at school or whatever. . .just like your kids friends or whatever. What are you most comfortable with and what is normal in your area--wherever you live now?
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5 comments:
I came from the "Mrs. lastname" world. I just assumed that the proper way to refer to someone (especially an elder) with respect was to use Mrs or Ms/Mr and the lastname. The first time I heard Mr/Ms used with a firstname it really caught me off guard. That was in Germany, and I agree that it is the norm in the Army. It also seemed to be the norm in the southeast (at least in Georgia) but still sounds strange to me. I think it's all about what you learned first--that's what will always sound normal. Of course, I HATE the thought of being called, "Mrs (substitute my last name here)" :)
That seems to be a common thing to. . .no one wants to be called "Mrs. Lastname" because it sounds like their mother in law!
we prefer the Mrs. Firstname. But i guess that is a Texas thing. sometimes if the kids are older i don't even mind if they leave off the Mrs. part. I guess it makes me feel older than i want to admit.
love ya
cuz ash
I agree: the Mrs/Mr. Firstname is an Army (maybe military) and southern thing. There weren't any rules where I grew up (midwest), but our friends/family from there think it's weird.
I took to it immediately, even before having kids. D's first CO's kids followed the Mr. Firstname rule. I always thought it was respectful and separated the adults from the kids, yet was familiar at the same time. We use it for everyone that's not family, regardless of how close the friends are. Aunts/uncles are first name only.
I also agree that Mrs. Lastname seems very formal, old, and perhaps MIL-ish! The only people my kids use that with is A's teachers. M's teachers even go by Ms. Firstname. Your plan of asking the adults what they prefer sounds like a good one. You just need to get back to the Army and this problem will be solved! Any word on when will that happen?
I like the Mrs Firstname. We didn't grow up with any Mr or Mrs, but most of our neighbors were family of some sort or people our family had known for generations, so we addressed them by their first names. I think the Mr or Mrs first name shows a due amount of respect that is lacking in today's kids. My kids also have problems w/ the last name. We live next door to our principal, and our kids call his wife Mrs Dr E. And when his mom came to visit, they couldn't understand why suddenly there were two Mrs Dr E's in his house! Laura
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