Learning all the Time

I might have said this before, but one of the reasons this three years at this duty station has been such a blessing for me is that I have had time to process all of the previous 9 years of Army service. Those years felt like SO MUCH was happening in such rapid succession, that I couldn't learn anything because I was too busy surviving the NEXT thing. So, since we've been here, I've been really soul searching and trying to extract some lessons from the past. Some of it as much as 12 years old, from our first deployment.

This post is about something I've recently "heard" in my heart. My whole life I have had a hard time with goodbyes. That is putting it mildly. When I was 9 and would go visit my mom, when she put me on the plane to go home, a stewardess would have to hold me until we took off so I wouldn't run back off the plane. I start crying WEEKS before someone leaves (or I leave someone).

I rarely say goodbye when we move. I usually just tell people "Oh, we're leaving on the 23rd, but we'll see you guys before that. We don't have to say goodbye right now." I have absolutely no intention of seeing them again. I just leave. Usually I even tell people a couple of days AFTER the real date, just to be sure! And when I have to actually WATCH someone leave--God be with us all. Ask my poor Mcsister--that whole family had to endure my craziness when they left Vilseck. The poor shuttle driver was actually crying with me I had made such a scene (it was a girl driver.)

Anyway--here's the thing. I have done SO much better for the lead up to this deployment. Part of me is probably in denial. Part of me is conserving my energy until May when he "really" leaves (since February is kind of pretend). But, part of me is actually doing better. When I think about my mental state, I actually think "I can do this," which might sound normal--but it ISN'T for me. I've NEVER said "I can do this" right before a deployment. I've always thought exactly the opposite. I couldn't even bring myself to wear the Rosie pin in Vilseck because her theme "We can do it!" made me feel like a big fat liar--I was quite certain that I COULDN'T do it.

Those of you who know the "sobbing in the floor holding on to his boot while the driver waited in the car" story are probably shocked to know that I'm not even actually crying yet. I come close to tears sometimes, but so far--no downpour.

And here's why (I think.) I have learned that I can handle "life" without him here--the regular stuff: laundry, dishes, baths, math tests, etc. I knew that several deployments back. Here's the thing I have only just learned. Now--mind you, I have been doing this extended goodbye thing for exactly 30 years now and I am just figuring this out.

Missing him will not kill me.

I know-it doesn't sound profound. But, for me, it was an amazing revelation. As a kid, I truly thought that missing my mom was literally going to make my heart stop beating. Sometimes I would lay in my bed and try to hear my heartbeat, because I was sure it was going to stop because I was crying too hard. (Keep in mind that I was 4--I had heard the term "crying your heart out" and thought it was literal.)

So, not only has this 3 years given me time to process my Army experiences, I MIGHT be actually processing some of the stuff from childhood. Heaven knows a psychotherapist could make a mighty interesting book out of my brain--but I actually think this might be a breakthrough for me.

Before each major goodbye, I have this VERY LOUD thought screaming through my head: "I am not going to make it! This is actually going to kill me!" And I have always believed it. I have thought (whether it was as a divorce kid or as a homesick college student or as a wife of a deploying soldier) that I was truly moments away from the end. To be honest, dissecting it more reveals that I didn't think I was going to die...I actually thought I was going to go insane. Frankly, I was MORE afraid of that.

So, as I have spent time thinking about this next one, and how to do it RIGHT for me and my kids, to set us up for success for the year to come--that is what came to me. Missing him will not kill me. I know that I definitely used to get to the point sometimes where I wished it WOULD kill me, so it wouldn't hurt as much...but at least I had the thought that he was going to come back. It could have been much worse...

This time I am aware of the sadness, but I am keeping it in the proper perspective. I will not die. I will miss him. Period. That is sad, but it doesn't HAVE to be the definition of my whole life. (There have been deployments when it was). Fine, miss him. And then get on with it. There are hundreds of women out there who would love to be in the position of "missing him" with the knowledge that he is still out there...they have to miss "him" with the knowledge that he isn't.

So--I'm capable of laundry, dishes, math tests, bath time, etc. And, I am capable of missing him too. I know that most of you who are army wives are thinking "Is she kidding me with this? Who let her in? She's pitiful! She doesn't deserve to help paint our welcome home banners!" And, I fully admit that you are WAY ahead of me in this game. But, I'm proud that I'm starting to catch up. It's just taken me 13 years...(I guess longer if you count the 17 years before that I had for practice!) Sorry for being so slow!