The difference between fighting and self defense

I have much more pleasant things to talk about, and I will in the next post. Including some great photos of the boys lately. . .but I want to write this now, because I hope anyone with children will read it.
Do your kids know the difference between fighting and self defense? Guess what? Mine didn't. My sweet little N. would never fight. For one thing, it is against the rules. He follows rules. Period. Additionally, he would never intentionally inflict harm on someone. Particularly physical harm. He is so tenderhearted, he just could never bring himself to do it (except for sometimes his brothers, but that is a different story. . .) Anyway--something happened to my baby about 2 weeks ago. I am just writing it now, because I kept crying when I thought about it. I haven't written lately because I knew this had to be the next thing to go on the page, but I couldn't do it. . .so here goes. There is already a lump in my throat. . . .
I am going to write this in sort of a play style narrative, because it is easier for me to do quickly.

I pick N. up from school on a Wednesday. We are walking to the car and he is making a funny face when he swallows and rubbing his neck a little.
Me: Are you getting sick?
N: No.
Me: Does your throat hurt?
N: Yes
Me: Let me look in your mouth.
N: My inside throat doesn't hurt. The outside does.
Me: (A little worried) Why does the OUTSIDE of your throat hurt?
N: Because D. choked me.
Me: WHAT????????????
N: He pushed me and then he choked me.
Me: (thousands of thoughts in my head. . .Why did the teacher not tell me this? I just saw her! Where is this kid so I can show him what choking really is?) Trying to be calm--"When did this happen?"
N: At the end of recess.
Me: What did Mrs. S. do?
N: She told him that if he did it again he couldn't go to recess.
Me: (IN my head hysterically screaming, out loud trying to stay calm) I don't think that is enough of a punishment for choking. Tell me exactly what happened.
My cel phone rings. It is my friend L. She is VERY upset. She says: Did N. tell you what happened at school?
Me: About what?
L: W. said that some kid pushed him and choked him.
Me: We are talking about it right now. Let me get the whole story from him and I will call you back.
L: You need to call the teacher.
Me: Ok. (Thank goodness she told me that. I have always had SUCH an overreactive personality and I am trying REALLY hard to not do that, so I wasn't sure if my reaction was correct. I probably would have tried to talk to N. about it myself, but not called the teacher for fear of appearing hysterical.)
L: W. will go to the principal and give a statement tomorrow if he needs to.
Me: Thank you. He might need to. I'll call you back.
--Let me just stop here and tell you that this is not out of the ordinary for L. and her family. They are SUCH good people. They will do anything for anyone and they will stand by you when you need something. All of them are this way. We haven't known them long, but I thank God that they are here!--
By now we are home. (We live really close). We go inside and I get the little ones settled and say to N.: Ok, tell me exactly what happened. Don't add anything, don't guess, and if you don't remember something, just say I don't remember.
N: We were getting in line and D. always wants to be first in line. I was first and he wanted me to move but I wouldn't. So he put his arms like this (he puts his arms up even with his shoulders, bent at the elbows.) And he ran into me and pushed me. But, I didn't move and so he put his hands on my neck and started choking me.
--Note: D. is a big kid. N. is almost a whole year older than most of the kids in his class, so he is big too. That is probably the only reason he didn't fall over. There are some TINY kids in that class that would have gotten flattened!
Me: And what made him stop? Did the teacher stop him? Did he just let go?
N: Ms. S wasn't there.
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I couldn't make him stop. I tried to pull his hand off but he wouldn't let go.
--Now I am truly hysterical. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDDING ME????? My kindergartener is being choked and he can't stop it????????
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I closed my eyes, and hoped he would stop.
Me: Why did you close your eyes?
N: I just felt like closing them.
(I am about to cry. HE JUST FELT LIKE CLOSING THEM?? WHY? Was he about to pass out? I am crying. Don't cry in front of the kid. Don't cry in front of the kid.)
Me: So what happened?
N: J., G., J., W., AND R. told him to stop and he didn't so they grabbed his hands and pulled them off.
--At this point he is very proud of the fact that he has such good friends and that ALL of them protected him. It made him smile to tell me that part. It made me cry.
Me: Tonight when we say prayers we are going to remember to thank God for giving you such good friends. I'm going to call Mrs. S. OK?
N: Ok. Can I have ice cream?
Me: Sure. If that ever happens again you punch that kid in the stomach.
N: I can't mom. We aren't allowed to fight.
Me: That's not fighting. that's just getting away from someone who is hurting you.
N: No. We have a rule of not fighting.
Me: That isn't fighting!
N: Hitting someone is fighting!
Me: Eat your ice cream.
I call the school. I talk to the teacher.
Me: Hi, I wanted to talk to you about something N. said happened with D. today.
Ms. S: I'm glad you called. I don't think I got the whole story. I wasn't out there. It was recess and Ms. St was with them and she didn't see it. What did N. tell you?
Me: I asked him to give me the whole story and reminded him not to embellish or make things up.
Ms. S: Ok, what happened?
Me: First of all, understand that I have 3 boys. I expect roughhousing. Pushing, shoving, wrestling, etc. is part of every day life in our house. It is natural for boys, and I think they have to learn when it is appropriate, but I am certainly not shocked when a frustrated 5 year old pushes another kid. That is not my concern. I don't want you to think I am some hysterical mom that is going to call you everytime some little thing happens.
I tell her the whole story. She is not happy.
Ms S: We didn't know all of that. I am so sorry. All we were told is that D. pushed N.
Me: That is how it started.
Ms S: We had a talk with the children the other day because we have had a rash of tattletaling in the class. I think we'd better talk with them again to be sure they understand the difference.
Me: Yes.
Ms. S: This child has been a problem for a while. He is on a contract everyday and we are going to do something about it. I am going to talk to Ms. St about it and call you back. Ok?
Me: I want you to know that my biggest concern is that N. could not make this kid stop. If his friends hadn't been there. . .I mean, what if N. and D. had been in the bathroom alone? What would have stopped him? (Now I cry--trying not to let her hear me.)
Ms. S: I had not even thought of that possibility.
Me: W. said that he would talk to you about it if you need him to.
Ms. S: I know that N. is not a crybaby and he doesn't make things up. If he says it happened that way then it did. I will probably talk to the other children tomorrow. I'll call you back in a few minutes.
Me: Ok.
I call my "sister" at Ft. Lewis. I recount the story.
She says: Tell him to punch that kid in the face.
Me: I told him that but he said he can't because he isn't allowed to fight.
S: You tell him I said to punch that kid in the face as hard as he can and then run away!
I tell N. this.
N: Tell Miss S. that I am not allowed to fight.
I tell her. She says: YES YOU CAN!!!
S & I are discussing ways to convince this child to protect himself.
Other line rings. . .it is Ms. S.
Ms. S: Ms. St and I have decided that this is too big of an issue to handle just with us. I know I sound calm, or I think I do, but I am VERY upset that this happened to N. and we are going to have all of them talk to the principal tomorrow.
Me: Ok, good. I need your advice on something.
Ms S: Ok.
Me: I was talking to N. about protecting himself if something like this happens and he REFUSES to accept the idea of hitting or hurting anyone because it is against the rules.
Ms. S: Oh no. You make sure he knows that WE understand the difference.
Me: Ok. I just need to know that you will be supportive of the fact that I told him to hit the kid in the stomach.
Ms. S: That's a lot nicer than what I would have told him to do. In fact, I think you should have Mr. T teach him how to hurt someone if he needs to get away from them.
--In the background I hear some garbled conversation pieces. . ."a fight in your class today". . ."in the office now". . .
Ms. S: D. is in the principal's office now. I am going to go down there and give her your number and have her call you.
Me: Ok. Thank you for the way you are handling this Ms. S.
Ms. S: Of course.
Hang up. Call sister back and update her. Other line rings. . .principal--Ms. J.
Ms. J: Ms. T, I'm calling about the incident with your son at school today.
Me: Yes.
Ms. J: I am so sorry that happened. I cannot believe that. Is he ok?
Me: His neck hurts and there are red marks around it. But he is ok.
Ms. J: I am suspending the other child from school.
Me: Do you need N. and the other kids to come talk to you tomorrow?
Ms. J: No. Both of the teachers assure me that N. would not make anything up and that the other children are just as trustworthy, so if for some reason we need to talk to witnesses, we can but this is not the first incident with this child and this is too serious.
Me: Ok. Thank you. Is there something else I need to do?
Ms. J: No. It is already done.
Me: I need to ask your advice. I have been talking to N. about if this were to happen again, how to protect himself. I told him to hit the kid in the stomach and he absolutely refuses because it is against the rules to fight.
Ms. J: Oh no. He absolutely has the right to protect himself. If I were you, I would have your husband teach him to kick that kid where it will hurt the very most.
Me: Thank you. I know some schools have a policy that if you are involved in a fight you are automatically punished no matter what your reasons.
Ms. J: No. There is a difference between fighting and protecting yourself. In fact, I had two 5th graders in here last week. The person that brought them in just said they were fighting at lunch. After asking them a few questions, it was obvious that they weren't fighting. One kid was beating up the other one and holding him down on the ground and when he got an arm free he knocked the kid in the face. The boy actually had the nerve to say "Why I am getting suspended and he's not? He hit me too." No--there is a difference.
Me: Ok. thank you. I will be sure to tell him you said that, but if he still doesn't believe me, can I bring him to you and get you to reassure him?
Ms. J: Of course.
So--that night we had a very serious conversation with N. about the difference between fighting and defending yourself. Like if someone hits you and runs away, or is pulling on your shirt and won't let go--that is not a reason to hit them. BUT--if they are hurting you and they won't stop--you MAKE THEM STOP. We taught him several ways to be SURE he could make someone let go of him. Of course, my Army husband who LOVES combatives training wanted to teach him how to break the kid's nose or something. I made sure we tempered it down a bit and convinced him to show him how to stun the kid or knock the breath of him so he could get away. The whole point was BE ABLE TO GET AWAY.
What did we learn from this:
1) I am getting much better at controlling my responses and making the right ones.
2) I was right when I thought I couldn't get through any major issue without my "sister" and that she loves my kids almost as much as I do.
3) We (N. and I) are both blessed with good friends.
4) N. learned how to protect himself whether it is on the playground or if someone tries to kidnap him.
5) He also learned the difference between fighting and protecting yourself.
6) There is a difference between tattletaling and telling an adult when something is important.
7) Children don't necessarily know the difference or how to make the distinction. When we tell them a "rule" we also need to tell them if there is any situation in which the rule doesn't apply.
8) I am very confident in the school that he is attending. It sucks that it happened, but things happen. The teacher and the principal responded immediately and strongly. They had been keeping documentation on EVERY event that occurs so when this happened they were both aware of the severity of it, and confident in their discipline decisions--knowing that no one could accuse them of unfairly targeting this boy or overreacting. Also, they ASKED QUESTIONS to make sure they had the correct story. Apparently the kid tried to tell the principal that N. had pushed him first (I could smack him for that) but she asked him several questions and discovered that N. wasn't even facing the child so he couldn't have pushed him. (Kindergarteners aren't great with creating alibis) So--these people, the teachers and the principal, took the TIME to find out what was going on and to respond appropriately. It is much quicker and easier to just have a flat policy of "Anyone involved in a fight gets an automatic 2 day suspension." Then, they don't have to put any effort into the punishment. But--then someone is unfairly punished and the REAL STORY is never established. Also, in this day of lawsuit happy America, it seems that more and more schools are avoiding punishing students all together. That is just plain dangerous.
So--although I still cry when I think of what could have happened if N.'s friends hadn't been there, I am also so glad that we go to a school with such a good "policy." I don't know if they have it in writing, but it seems to me that they are tuned in to the kids, paying attention and documenting what is happening, and responding to individual situations with individual attention. It may take more time, but it is the right thing to do. I wish that all schools would emulate them.
The teachers did talk to the kids about the difference between tattletaling and telling them when something important happens. They also talked to N.'s friends and told them that what they did was good and that they should be proud of themselves. Again--it might take more time, but it is the right thing to do. And that's what they did.
One final note on exactly the kind of person my son is. One week after this happened we were at a birthday party and D. was there also. N. was so kind to him. He talked to him, asked him to join them in a game N. was playing, and offered him some watermelon when he was getting some for himself and D. was standing nearby. I told him later how impressed I was with him and that I wouldn't have been able to be that nice.
So, now I am worn out. I know this is ridiculously long, and most people didn't read it all, but if you've gotten this far--think about it, and have the conversation with your kids. They ALL know the rule "Don't fight." But, wil they know when it DOESN'T apply?