Post #100

I noticed on the "Dashboard" that this is my 100th post. It seems as though it should be something profound. I can't come up with anything. So, I'm going to try to get onto "paper" a sort of jumble of thoughts about my kids that I've been processing since a few months after J was born.

Here's what I think. Three boys is just perfect for me. There is no comparison between the sexes. I'm sure that there will eventually be comparisons between the three of them--that makes sense because they are all boys, so you'd think they'd be similar. But, so far, they are so DIFFERENT that it is almost impossible to make comparisions--other than to point out the differences!

There are pros and cons to being the oldest, youngest, or middle child. But, from a mom's perspective, here's how I feel about it. Or about them. Like I said, it is a jumble of thoughts. . .kind of a list of adjectives of my feelings for each of them. Or events that surround each of them, or something. I'm not sure.

N. First child. Everything, starting with the pregnancy, brings excitment, fear, enthusiasm, and a constant desire to see and do whatever is coming next. A constant sense of wonder that this child is, everyday, an older child than I've ever parented. That sounds stupid, I know, but it means something in my heart. I'm in awe of him all the time. He tries things, and is suddenly an expert. He thinks of things and suddenly creates them. He is amazing. Constant wonder.

R. Second child. I am able to relax. Knowing things will not end in tragedy or injury (most of the time) I am able to enjoy them more quickly, since I don't have to conquer the nerves! Instant joy, because before he starts something, or sees something, or knows it is going to happen--I know how much he is going to love it. Or how much he will hate it--and even that is joyful to me. . .just seeing him be his own person and develop what that means. He feels things so deeply, this boy. He is reflective and intense. He thinks much deeper than other children his age--much deeper than many people much older than him. Because of that, there is very little in his world that is "so-so." He loves things extremely, and he dislikes other things completely. And, I love seeing him decide which is which! Constant joy.

J. Third child. Last child. Smiles with tears. Fascinating that the third of three boys could still find a way to be TOTALLY different. He surprises me with his speed, his strength, his total disregard for any rule whatsoever! I watch everything he does, every milestone he reaches, knowing it will be the last time there is a "first time." If I think of it long enough, it makes me cry. Not because I want another one, just because they are all growing up. I'm fascinated that at 2, I can already look back at things that are never to be again. I know this sentimental side of myself, and refuse to let it impede him. He'll never feel from me a sense of holding on, wishing him still a baby--but it will be in the back of my head! There is such a sense of contentment in me with J. When he was 3 hours old, I knew my family was complete. Just looking in his eyes--I knew it. He is such a tangible force! He is expressive without restraint. Laughing, crying, being an irritation to his brothers--he does it all with total abandon! I hope he never loses that. I am fascinated by people who are so completely comfortable with themselves that they have no need to hide. I think J is that way. Constant fascination.