Clarification

Ok, I am catching a lot of hell for not having any traditions in my family. So, in an effort to prevent my children from being kidnapped by the childhood memories police, I decided I need to clarify a little bit.

We do have traditions in our family. The ones I refuse to create are the ones that end up instilling a more guilt than they do pleasure. The ones that are tied to a specific day (instead of a spirit) and require everyone’s participation exactly right or else they are ruined completely. Just since I wrote that post I learned that not everyone has experienced this. I thought it was a universal thing, but I guess not, so I will explain.

My family had “traditions” when I was a kid. However, our life did not really support those traditions. For example, it was tradition to go to Galveston Island in the summer for a week. Problem was, that according to the custody agreement, my brother and I were to go to the other parent’s house during that time. So a lot of drama ensued. I won’t detail it here, but believe me when I tell you that first of all, kids understand a lot of things that adults think are over their heads. I knew EVERYTHING that was going on, no matter what flimsy excuse was created. Second, how is a 6 year old supposed to process that? Go to the beach or go visit my parent? What kind of stress is that to put on a child? It isn’t even cool to ASK!

Another example—my grandmother has a Christmas party every Christmas Eve. She lives in East Texas. That party is one of my earliest memories. My baby brother was born on December 23rd when I was 2 ½ years old. My grandparents came and got me to go stay with them and I remember the party that year. I remember the dress I was wearing and I remembering wondering what kind of dress the baby would be wearing if he was there (I didn’t realize yet that boy babies didn’t wear dresses). Anyway—I have lots of memories of that party.

But, through the years, I didn’t get to go. Whether it was due to someone being sick, or someone being mad, or someone getting divorced—I missed a lot of those parties. So, that made me sad. Then, when I was old enough to go alone, the guilt entered. My parents would have plans for Christmas Eve, and they would be angry that I was going to East Texas instead of staying with them. It wasn’t MY fault that tradition had been created for me—it was theirs. But, they had changed their minds, so I was supposed to also. Not fair.

Apparently, other families don’t have this issue. Maybe I just have a highly developed sense of guilt. But, I learned early. I guess some people don’t experience that until they go to college and decide not to go home for Thanksgiving. Or even when they get their first job and can’t take the time off or afford the plane ticket home. At least then you are an adult who has life skills and coping mechanisms to handle it. I was 4 years old when I first started feeling that stuff—not a lot of strength of spirit in a 4 year old.

Another reason I don’t want to establish those types of traditions (still guilt related) is that I have 3 boys. Someday, they will all get married. The likelihood is that they will be with their wives on holidays and special occasions. They MIGHT not, and that would be a great bonus—but I am NOT going to set myself up to be disappointed, and I am not going to set them up to live that GUILT!!!!! I am already planning it. There are several possibilities.

My first choice is that one of them marries RMcC. Then we would all be happy because I would just invite me and S right on over to their place for the holidays too! Or, vice versa. It would be ideal. Other options are that they could possibly marry someone who isn’t close to their family or something like that. But, IF they are typical, the wife will want to be near her family. That’s fine with me now, because it is so far in the future—so I am training myself for it to be fine later. My plan is for S and I to make the Christmas holidays our vacation time. We’ll celebrate with the kids when they are available—and it will be GREAT. There is no reason that the Christmas spirit has to be contained in 2 days. It just isn’t logical. If we have Christmas with one of our kids on October 18th, I will still be just as thrilled.

One thing that the Army has gifted to me is the ability to opt out of that guilt sometimes. Although I always THINK I am going to miss home at Christmas or whatever, I generally just feel overwhelming relief that I am not trying to visit 4 houses in 48 hours and still create some kind of merriment for my kids.

Deployments, overseas duty stations, even lack of money for airline tickets has taught me to appreciate the joy of being together—no matter when it is.

So, just to alleviate some of the disappointment some of you apparently have in me for my lack of traditions—here are some we have. Notice that none of them are things that will deal anyone a crushing blow and send them into therapy if they miss them. However, they do bring tremendous fun and joy to my family when we “celebrate” them. THAT is actually supposed to be the true point of traditions, right?

* (a relatively new one) We have KFC for dinner on Christmas Eve.
* We eat in the mess hall on Thanksgiving. (My goal is to never cook a turkey!) If you have never eaten at the mess hall for a holiday, you should try it. The cooks are fantastic and you don’t have to clean. Plus, you share the holiday meal with WAY more friends than could ever fit in one house. (This one is on hold for a few years, because in the navy officers aren’t allowed to eat in the mess hall. Weird, huh?)
* Santa leaves all the gifts out unwrapped and displayed and your stocking tells you where your gifts are. It is a magical feeling when you come in the room—like your own private toy store. . .a good overwhelming!
* Our kids wake up in their own house on Christmas morning. Sometimes, when we've moved at Christmas, we've been "homeless" and had to be somewhere else. The visit is nice, but I want them to have the memory of their own beds on Christmas morning.
* We eat lunch at Chik Fila on Saturdays
* We decorate for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving and we take it down the day after Christmas. We make cookies both days.
* Each of the kids gets a Tshirt everywhere we travel. We also get a coffeetable book and a small “trinket” that goes in a display cabinet to represent that place.
* At the end of the prayer before dinner, we go around the table and each of us thanks God for something from that day. (every dinner, not just Thanksgiving day)
* We make our family’s “special” cookies, invented by the oldest child. Brownie bites attached to chocolate chip cookies.
* We each have a different sound that our noses make (not really—it is like our own pretend horn. Mine is honk, honk. S’s is ahhyewga. N’s is beep, beep. Etc.)
* In an effort to not embarrass the kids, I don’t want to say “I love you” in front of their friends. It doesn’t bother them yet, but it will eventually. So, we’ve worked out a “code language.” I say “Don’t get in too much trouble” and they know that means “I love you.” They say “I’ll try not to” and I know they are saying “I love you too.”
* We wave a sign language “T” at each other instead of blowing kisses.
* We watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition together every week.
* We have “my brothers are my only friend” days. This is actually a punishment for being mean to each other, but it has become a tradition.
* We go to In and Out Burger and a movie on Fathers Day.
* We listen to music very loud with the windows down in the car whenever we can.
* The boys play a game they created called “rock, paper, armpit.” (This is the true definition of a male dominated household)
* We go running together frequently. N rides his bike and S pushes the little two in the stroller. I try to keep up—we all have our parts to play. The little boys cheer—go mommy go!
* Many lessons are taught with “Because I want your wife to like me!” Like, “why do we have to rinse the toothpaste out of the sink?” “Why do I need to know how to sweep the kitchen?”
* I get each of the kids an ornament every Christmas with the year on it. I leave them in the package, and they each have a box. When they move out, they will have 18-20 ornaments to take with them. For now, they like looking through them every year and seeing what they have. They also like helping pick out one that represents them for that year.

So, there you have it. The Monkey House versions of traditions. There are more, I’m sure, but I can’t think under pressure! So, please don’t send the authorities to take my children because I don’t know how to make cornbread stuffing!