The Goodbye

So--he came home. He was here two weeks. We took the family pictures you see below. And then it was time again for the goodbye. How would I do? Have I actually gotten ANY better at this at all? Would watching the kids say goodbye make me revert to childhood and freak completely out?

I had a conversation with a wonderful mentor Army wife a few days before he left. It was nice to hear that everyone still gets sad when the husband leaves and that I'm not totally crazy. (Although, when I shared with her the story of laying in the floor holding on to his boots, she may have considered calling in a psychiatrist to give me a drug or two!!) Anyway--I had forgotten how nice it is to talk to someone that understands the acronyms, the paradoxical feelings of pride and fear, that can say "I know how you feel" and actually really know, but would never say "I know how you feel" because she also respects the fact that everyone's situation is unique. That conversation was truly a blessing and calmed my spirit as I prepared for the goodbye two days later. So, if you are reading this--thank you. You have no idea how much it helped. (And thanks for the encouraging text the day of goodbye...that was helpful too!!)

So--here's how it went down. We kept the kids home from school that day, so they could go to the airport. We all had Tshirts on that looked like this (substitute "dad" and "brat" for "husband" and "wife" on the kids shirts....ummm, you probably knew that, right?) and S was in uniform...so we weren't very incognito, but we tried to stay out of the way.

Front of shirts:

Back of shirts:

The lady at the ticket desk started to give us a hard time about going to the gate with him. I thought--"after all the letters I've written and compliments I've given to tell Southwest Airlines how much I love them, this chick is about to ruin all of it, and I am going to beat her up." I don't know what her issue was, but it gotten taken care of and we got to go to the gate with him.

We were a little early, and the plane was a little delayed, so we sat there for a while. Not much to do and it gets a little long. The boys played with the computer and watched planes come in and out. About 20 minutes before time for him to get on the plane, I was standing behind R, and he started shaking. I kind of thought he was having a seizure, because his shoulders were moving in a really weird way.

I walked around in front of him and he was sort of crying, sort of moaning. He said "Don't go Daddy. Please don't go. Stay here with us!!" Sob. Sob. Oh no!!! Now we will all break down! Here it comes! Find somewhere to hide!!!! Fortunately, we were way over in a tiny corner and no one really noticed us, I don't think. S started to cry and held R in his lap and just kind of rocked him and talked to him.

About 15 minutes later, we had to move over to the lineup area, and as S started to put his stuff down, R started again. He couldn't even control it and he was sobbing really loud. S put down his bags and sat down on the floor, legs straight out, and gathered R up in his arms. There was no way the kid was going to stop crying. I started to say something to him, and then I saw a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. What the HELL?? I turned around and some random guy was standing at the gate desk with a little point and shoot camera TAKING PICTURES OF MY FAMILY SAYING GOODBYE. I was not thrilled, but I thought it was a one time thing, a touching photo of a soldier saying goodbye to his baby.

No, no. This guy actually started walking around us, taking all kinds of pictures as each of us said goodbye to S. Keep in mind that I was not my "usual self." My usual self was in the back of my head screaming at me to go beat the hell out of that guy with all the sadness that was in me. But, holding two crying kids prevented it, so I pushed him out of my thoughts for a little bit. I tried to keep my body positioned so that he couldn't see S's name tape, but I am sure that he got some shots of it. Anyway...

I handed R to N so I could say goodbye. It was a pitiful picture to watch a 9 year old try to bravely hold his 6 year old brother while they both cried. A really old man (probably a vet, I think) came up behind the boys and patted their backs and talked to them while I was talking to S. N told me later that the guy told them, "Don't worry. Your daddy will be back. You're doing a great job." How sweet. The kindness of strangers...

As S hugged me, he whispered, "If the guy with the camera follows you, get a TSA agent." I said OK, although my usual self was coming back and she was pretty sure that no TSA agent would be necessary, as she had thought through the different punches she would be delivering to the camera guy's nose!

I took R back as S started to hand the paperwork to the gate guy, and R started to yell again. "Daddy! Daddy, I love you. Daddy!!! Daddy!!!!" It was awful. I convinced them all to be quiet for a second so that we could count to three and say "We love you Daddy," just as he started down the gangplank.

So, we did that, and then we sat for a minute and tried to get a grip. That was hard too, because people kept coming over and saying "Thank you for the sacrifices that all of you make. We appreciate your husband's service and we know you guys serve too. Thank you for everything you do." Oh, my gosh--MORE CRYING!!! It was so sweet, but it made me cry!

As we started to walk out, N said "Mom, there's that guy." He WAS following us! Sweet--I will beat him up, and then take pictures of his bloody nose and black eyes with his own camera! Fantastic outlet for this emotion!!!! Then I decided I wasn't at the top of my game, and probably not thinking to clearly, AND I was carrying two crying kids and dragging a third, so better to just get out.

I thought it would be best to get outside the security area, because he surely wouldn't follow me, since he was about to get on a plane. Then, I thought, what if he does follow me? He can just go BACK through security...I don't want to be away from the TSA agents in case I need their help (although, they didn't look really "intimidating" if you know what I mean). So, I just stopped, turned around, and looked at him. Have you ever seen my mean face? I think it is more intimidating than the TSA agents, for sure.

I said "What?" He said "If you'd like copies of the pictures I took of your family, I could send them to you."

What I thought: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do I LOOK stupid to you? Why the hell would I give my contact information to some random asshole taking my picture in an airport? I realize that it is a public place, so you can't expect to have a private moment, but that certainly doesn't mean you and I are now going to be buds you JACKASS!!!

What I actually said: "I'm not giving you my information." He said "I could give you my phone number and you could call me if you want them."

I said "I want your phone number and your name please." He gave them to me and I saved them in my phone. THEN he said "It is just awful to watch you guys be torn apart like that. It is just horrible."

Oh SHIT! If this is some anti-war whacko that thinks he is going to use pictures of my family to promote some "army destroying families" agenda, then my usual self really IS going to come out and this dude is in SERIOUS trouble.

I said "Today is hard. Tomorrow we will be fine. We VOLUNTEER to do this." and we walked away.

Sometimes I like to shock N, because it makes him feel older (since I say stuff to him I wouldn't say to the little ones) and also to make him laugh. So, I turned to him and said "If that guy publishes our picture in an anti-war article, I swear I will hunt him down and beat his ass!" It worked--N almost fell on the floor laughing.

It would have been different if the guy had come to me and said "Hey, I have a camera with me, would you like some pictures of your family together before your husband leaves?" I could have said "Sure! That would be great!" or "Get out of my face before I slap you!" But, either way, it would have been my option. One of my favorite pictures is S and I saying goodbye before the last deployment. A friend took it, and then took one right when he got home too. Similar positioning, but amazing differences in the body language and facial expressions. Anyway--he didn't ask me, so therefore I did not like him.

So, we start leaving the airport, and I start the best "Army Mom" routine I have. "Boys--starting right now, we get to count down. We've been getting ready for daddy to leave, and it was for a year, but starting RIGHT NOW, it gets less every minute!!" We walked past a big group, a family, waiting at the end of the baggage claim area with WELCOME HOME balloons. I don't know if they were waiting for a soldier or not, but I pointed them out the my kids. I said "Look!! Now we get to start getting ready for THAT!!" But, I still rushed them out of there so I didn't actually have to watch the reunion--I'm not that good of an actor!

As we walked along, a man came up next to me and said "Ma'am, I know this won't make you feel better, but I wanted to tell you thank you for what you and your kids are willing to do for our country. We appreciate your husband's service, but I know it must be very hard for all of you to let him do it, so thank you for your service too." He started to cry a little and said "I put my daughter on a plane every two weeks. She is only gone for a few days, but it is still awful for me. I can't imagine how hard this must be for your husband. He is a very good man to be willing to leave his wife and kids to serve all of us." Ummm. Wow. Again, the power of the kindness of strangers. I stopped moving and said "I'm not sure how to respond to that except to say that those were some of the kindest words I've ever heard. Thank you for saying that to me. You have no idea how much it means to me." And then I started to cry AGAIN and made a beeline for the door!

And then, GUESS WHAT!!!! I figured out that I actually AM getting better at this! Guess why? I took some of the advice that I always give OTHER people!!! I always tell people not to go directly home when the drop off their soldier. It just feels too empty. For some reason, if you do something else first, it is better. So, I told the kids we needed to go somewhere that we would all get to hang out with friends. The school happened to be having the fundraising auction, so we went to that. They went to the childcare room and played and ran with friends, and I hung out and talked to my friends (and bought "Principal for the Morning" for N for next school year).

Then we were really tired, and we went home to bed!

Saturday was a good day. We were busy and happy and I was proud that it only took me the one day to recover! That's much better than the time (times?) that I stayed mega-depressed the entire deployment.

Then Sunday came. It was awful. I don't particularly care that it was Mothers Day, but Sundays are hard for me anyway. Then, top it with the fact that it was the day they were flying from Kansas to Kuwait. Uck. I felt like he was falling off the face of the earth because I didn't know when or how I would talk to him again. I KNOW I will, because most of the posts have internet and phone service, but I didn't know how long it would take to get to Kuwait, what the communication would be like there, when they would get to Iraq, how long it would be before he could contact us from there, etc. etc.

I stayed home most of the day, because he could talk on Skype until time to pack up the computer. Then he could use his cell until they took off. I didn't really have anything to say, I just wanted to be "talking" to him as long as I could. Finally, I could hear the flight attendant saying "All cell phones must be turned off." So we said goodbye. We knew our cells didn't work in Europe, so I wouldn't hear from him til who knew when.

At 3:00am he called and said "My cell works in Europe! I know it is really expensive, but I just wanted to say Hi!"

Then, he called at 11am and said "My phone works in Kuwait!!" I know it is probably $100 a minute, so I won't stay on, but I wanted to tell you that it works and I'll keep in charged. We will use the regular phone system and computer (Skype) to talk, but in case there is some major emergency, you can call it."

I know that I WON'T call it, because I am VERY cheap, and because what good does that do? He can't jump on a plane and come back. But, for some reason, it made me feel a lot better! I know he's there and safe, and I'll talk to him when we can.

So, there you have it. I am sure that I will have some depressed days, but it appears that in 2 days I am a normal person. So, it turns out that I AM getting better at this. (But the horror of looking back at how awful I was during that Kosovo deployment is very embarrassing. I don't even know HOW I took care of N. He probably just watched TV for 7 straight months!) I hope he can't remember it!!

So, now it is back to the craziness of normal life. Teacher Appreciation Days, All Star Tryouts, camps to register for, swimming lessons, family coming to visit, etc. etc. If the rest of the year goes as quickly and as UNEVENTFULLY as the months in Kansas, we are all set!

By the way, I apparently didn't push "save" when I entered camera guy's name and number into my phone (I'm not very technologically savvy, and I was a bit distracted.) N says it was Frank Coleman. I say it was John Coleman. Either way, I guess I won't be getting those photos from him. I hope he isn't writing about how "pitiful" and "horrible" it was to watch us in some whack job blog.