I've Already Missed It. . .

I said I would write one story every day until I caught up the summer. And of course, I have not done it. I have been a little productive though. I cleaned the house, which I had not done since the day after we got home from Texas (disgusting, I know!) I got the kids started at school and J. and I had our first gymnastics (actually pronounced 'mnastiks) class--which was a ball! Again, forgot the camera, but I'll take pictures this Saturday when we make up our class that we'll miss on Labor Day. And I started back to the gym--thank goodness!!

Anyway--I don't have time to write a summer story right this second, but I wanted to write this before I forgot.

Has anyone ever said anything to you that actually altered your relationship with them? Not a close person, like family member or someone you're dating. Just someone that you encounter periodically for whatever reason?

Someone said something to me recently, and I don't think she realized how it sounded. Or, maybe she did and that's how she meant it. . .I don't know. Anyway--it was so hurtful that it truly took my breath away. She kind of said it with a laugh in her voice, and she actually said that someone else had said it to her. But, I could tell that she actually was the one saying it, she just didn't want to admit that to me. Even if she WAS just repeating someone else, WHY ON EARTH would you do that when you know something is so hurtful? (I know this is vague, but she reads this sometimes and I don't want her to know it is her!)

Anyway--here's the thing. I don't think I can be decent to her anymore. I honestly don't think I can even look at her--much less talk to her! It hurt my feelings so badly, that I can't think of anything else when I think of her! Within about two seconds of her saying it, I managed to get away and immediately burst into tears. I shook for about an hour. I talked to my cousin and my friend about it, but really they were at a loss as well. We all decided that it was her issue, not mine. And yet, I can't let it go at that.

Part of the problem is this: it was about a member of my family (immediate family). If you know me well, you know that I can barely tolerate someone being rude to or about me directly--but if you mess with my kids or my husband or family--you are dead to me. That's actually the saying that I use, because it is truly how I feel. I CANNOT even tolerate the existence of someone in my life if they have hurt those I love the most. So. . .it has been a little while since this person said this thing. I didn't have to communicate with her for a while, but now, I do. So--what???? She acts as though nothing happened.

I don't know if she FORGOT that she said it, or if she didn't know how horrid it was, or if she thinks I didn't notice, or if she thinks because she SAID that it came from someone else I won't hold it against her, or if she thinks I'll let it go because it has been a while. But--I CAN'T!!! I think that makes me a bad person. I know it makes me a bad Christian. So, what do I do?

Please understand before you comment that I am not just talking about someone saying my kid is bad or that my husband is crazy. . .and it wasn't like she just used the wrong words while trying to say something nice (you know, like when someone says "You look great for your age!)--it was truly one of the most awful things I think you could say to or about someone. I know that isn't really fair, to tell the story and not give the details, but I just can't here. . . so that may make it impossible for anyone to give me advice.

In the meantime, here I sit. Trying to figure out what to do with my own brain. I basically avoid contact with her--but that doesn't change the anger I have in my heart. I don't like feeling that way, because it takes up so much of my time and brain space (which is quite limited in supply these days!), and I'm trying to come to grips with it and get past it--but how?

Please please please don't tell me that you think I should talk to her about it. We aren't "friends." It isn't like I am trying to save a relationship or something. If it was someone who was very important to me, I would definitely do that. I always say "in the heart, on the lips." I believe people can't read minds, so they can't fix things they don't know they've broken, but this isn't that kind of relationship. It is just someone who is around. It would be way too weird to try to have a conversation about it. She would probably think "Why do you even care what I said? We don't mean anything to each other." And that is true. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it, and being angry about it, and being shocked by it. It is myself I'm trying to fix--not her or my relationship with her.

A therapist once told me that hate is not the opposite of love. Hate takes just as much, if not more, energy than love does. Therefore, it has just as much power and control over you. The opposite of love is not to care at all. That's where I am trying to get with this situation. I have done it before, with big stuff and small stuff. People who are close to me, and people I don't really care about. Usually with people that don't mean much to me, I am just mad about it for a while, and then it goes away, because they don't register on my radar as important. And yet this won't go away, even though that's how I feel about her. Hmmmmm. . . .any ideas???