Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

So--today I decided that I would do an experiment. I know that I talk too much all the time. I also know that it is because I am afraid that if I don't talk to other people, no one would ever talk to me. Today I thought I'd test that.

When I picked the kids up at school, I was the first one to arrive in the kindergarten/1st grade pick up area. I know a lot of people at the school, but I don't know if I actually have any "friends." I guess when I consider my definition of friend, I really don't. Maybe one. Anyway--since I was already standing by myself, I decided to wait and see if anyone approached ME as opposed to the other way around. Answer: No. Several people I knew walked up and promptly formed little circles that did not include me. As the kids were coming out of the building (about 20 minutes later) one woman (I'd say she's an aquaintence) actually came over to say hi. What she actually came over for was to relay a story.

Her neighbor (I don't know her name. Let's call her Jane) had just told her this story and she thought she'd share it with me because it was funny. I don't see the humor. Jane is quite small and always has been. Apparently some other random person (let's say Sally) had approached Jane and made all kinds of comments about how great she looked and how it had been so long since Sally had seen Jane and Jane had lost so much weight and looked so healthy etc. Apparently, Sally thought that Jane was me. Apparently, my friend found it humerous because Jane and I do not look at all alike. She is blond, very tan, very southern californian. I, obviously, am not.

Here's the thing. Did Sally think that "I" looked so different from recently or from a long time ago? If it was from 2 years ago, great. If it was from last school year--what the hell? Does that mean I am fat and unhealthy looking? (and apparently should bleach my hair blond.) I don't get it. And, I don't find it funny.

I feel very sorry for myself today, as you can see. I have always had the feeling that I didn't fit in. I can't remember a time or place in my entire life where I felt like I actually "melded" well with the rest of the people in the group/area. That's why I am always desperately trying to include myself, because I know that otherwise no one will include me.

I always envy people when they turn down an invitation. Like, if I call someone and invite them to go to lunch and they say they've already eaten or they have errands to run or their baby is asleep. First of all, my feelings are hurt, which is ridiculous. They aren't rejecting me personally, they have other commitments. But, the more important thing is, they are secure enough that they don't feel a need to seek whatever time they can find with another person.

I am not this way. If I had already eaten a full 7 course meal, and someone invited me to lunch--I would go. Because, I am desperate to have a connection to SOMEONE! Truly pathetic.