Christmas

And a good time was had by all! What a great holiday. It was so relaxing compared to last year. Last year we were "homeless" in between Germany and California. It was nice because we got to spend some time with family, but hard because we had so much to do in such a small time, plus so many presents to cart around!

This year, we couldn't afford to go home. Turns out that was probably a good thing, because due to the blizzard in Denver, we probably wouldn't have gotten to go anyway! We stayed here and the kids had a great time. We visited with friends, went to church, and opened lots of presents. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa dutifully came through with all the gifts that we didn't manage to (or refused to supply) get for the kids. They were all extremely excited. At one point, R. was opening some stuff and was so excited about it, his voice got so high that I have NO IDEA what he was saying!

Anyway--they got lots of stuff to play with outside, and a few indoor things. N. is getting old enough now that he has some "technical" stuff--IDog, speakers for the IPod, games for the gameboy, etc. We must be transitioning into a new phase of childhood, because I don't really know where to put everything. Even though we took about 3 LARGE moving boxes worth of stuff out of the various toy boxes. We'll figure it out eventually. Probably when the kids go back to school and I get ONE MOMENT'S PEACE around here!!

Anyway--here are a few photos of Christmas at our house (note that the things surrounding the kids are all the gifts--not just the stuff from us and Santa--it is important to the kids that I be SURE the family all knows that they know EXACTLY who sent them all of their "awesomely awesome presents"):

Vulnerability

It's funny that I originally started this blog basically to show pictures of the kids to friends and family who don't live close to us. But, once in a while, it becomes some kind of therapy session for me. I really planned for it only to be about the kids, pictures, stories about things that happen to them, etc. But, sometimes, I feel this need to write something about me. I have always had a need to put words down on paper. I make lists, I write poems, I write stories, but for some reason, I hate keeping a journal. It just doesn't work for me. I guess I feel bad when I go a long time without writing something down, and then feel like I need to write down all the "background" to go along with the story. Maybe that's why the blog is better. I can just write what I am thinking, get it out, and forget it--instead of thinking that I have to explain myself in case my kids (or their therapists!) ever read it.

Anyway--I have been doing a lot of "mental" work on myself since we got here. Part of it is due to the Weight Watchers process--I really want to change my entire self, so that I won't go back to former habits when I get to my goal weight. And, I guess that has carried over to the rest of my brain. Also, since this is a very low key assignment for us, I don't have the constant mental strain of deployments, possible deployments, cancelled deployments, comparing deployments, etc--so maybe my brain has time to work on itself now. Thirdly, right before we left Europe (and the reason we left, actually) I was so VERY VERY hurt by the way we (directly, S., and therefore indirectly, me) were treated, that I still have not gotten past it. I think it has been the biggest event in our entire marriage, career, and adulthood actually, since the first two have completely encompassed the third.

So--here's something I've been thinking about. Vulnerability. I do not like it. In fact, I don't allow it in myself. I would not say that I consider it a weakness, because that would imply that I don't approve of it in others, which is not the case. Quite the opposite. I envy it in other people. I, for some reason or many reasons, just seem to have forbidden myself from ever APPEARING vulnerable. I say appearing, because the fact is, that I feel SO VERY vulnerable all the time. So, what am I doing? Putting on a charade all the time? I don't know. I don't feel like that, but perhaps.

Vulnerability seems to include two "branches" for me. Embarrassment and need. I hate both. I hate embarassment for myself and anyone else. I get "embarrassed for other people" a lot. I hate april fool's day, practical jokes, food in my teeth, etc. As for need--I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to be new at anything, because it implies that I need someone to show me something or answer a question or give me directions or whatever. I am great at being the "welcoming committee" for other people, though! I love helping people who are new. I actually have a test for myself. I know that I actual feel at home somewhere the first time someone asks me for directions, and I am able to give them to them!

What is the point of this? The point is that once in a while, I would like to be able to lean on someone else. Really take comfort in someone else's presence, and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. Also, there are times when I really am vulnerable, and need someone or something and no one realizes it. The best example I can think of is having babies. S. is so accustomed to me handling everything on my own, it just never occurred to him to give me instruction, encouragment, etc. He basically just waited until I told him what I wanted or needed, and did that. I'm not downplaying his contribution--doing that was great. I just wish I had had someone to say "Look in my eyes. Do what I say. Breathe when I tell you to." etc.

I think the obvious reason that a therapist would give you would be that I am the oldest child from divorced parents. I didn't like my first stepmother and she didn't like me, and I spent a lot of time protecting myself and my brother from her. Also, I was not allowed to cry when we came home from visiting. I literally got in trouble if my face was red or my eyes were swollen. So--I think I learned early to constantly be on the lookout for upcoming trouble. Head it off, divert it, or find a way to completely destroy it. The result of that is that there is always some enemy in my life. It takes a lot of energy.

Usually, during this "brain work" phase of my life, I am able to realize something like this about myself and it is gone. I don't have to "work" on it or whatever. It's like the realization of it destroys its power over me, and it is just gone. (That is also a pattern in my life--problem is that I can't just LISTEN and learn. I have to experience it myself. Self help books, therapy sessions, marriage workshops, etc. are all a waste of time for me, unless they spark some "self analysis." Wastes a lot of time. . .)

For some reason, this won't go away. I don't know why. I don't even know what the "measure" of it going away would be. I am not really in any situation where I am vulnerable, so how do I know. I think because the "enemies" are still there, taking up my energy, time, and thoughts. And, because the catalysts still make me angry. Or sad. Depends on the mood.

Maybe the fact that I was so small when it first started made it sort of an instinct in me. Maybe it isn't something that I even CAN change. I think the thing that makes me the most upset is the sense of powerlessness. For example, when we left Europe (I will give more details on that in a minute so it will make more sense.) So MANY things went into the fact that I was so hurt. But the people involved didn't know HALF of the details. And yet, they made their decisions, and formed their opinions, and broke my heart in the process. I can't let it go. I so badly want to MAKE them listen to all that was involved. And force them to understand what they did to me. I know they don't like me after all of that. That is fine--I don't need them to like me. I have plenty of friends. In fact, that specific situation spelled out VERY CLEARLY who my REAL friends were. I don't need them to like me, I just want them to know what they did to me.

THE REMAINDER OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ADVISED THAT IT COULD BE OFFENSIVE OR HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS, OR HEAVEN FORBID, MAKE THINGS WORSE WITH THOSE IT WAS ABOUT. I HAVE SAVED IT, HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF FURTHERING THE "BRAIN WORK."

Catch Up

Let's see. . .what's been going on since Thanksgiving? Tons of stuff! We finished the soccer season. They got a third place medal in the final tournament. That was pretty fun. It was cool to be the mom now that he is to the age where they are really PLAYING. They understand the basic concepts and put them to use, without the coach telling them each step. It is just so cool. N. loves being goalie. Every time the other team gets to take a penalty kick, I just about have a heart attack, but he is awesome. It scares the heck out of me to watch him with several players around him and just jump on the ball--but the feet coming at his mouth apparently don't worry him! He can kick the ball from the edge of the box almost to the mid field line. Not a regulation size field, but still. . .he is amazing!

Both kids had Christmas parties in their classes at school. I didn't attend either. It just isn't fun dragging the littlest one to a party where he can't eat the cookies and didn't get a gift! We did go on N's walking field trip to Christmas card lane. . .more on that later.

We had a great time putting up decorations in the house, but we don't have any outside. I guess living in Germany for 5 Christmases, we never got any 110 volt outdoor lights. The frugal part of me is adamant that we wait until the after Christmas sales to get some! J. loves the tree. He is totally fascinated. The other two never got really excited, but he is just enamored. Every morning he said "on on on!!" and "Kissmas!" He thinks the tree is called Kissmas. Or maybe the lights, because he says it about the garland on the stairs too. Who knows. . .Anyway--he likes having them plugged in.

We have stacked all of the presents on top of the entertainment center, for fear that he would unwrap them all if we stopped watching him for 3 seconds. (His nickname bestowed by my brother is "Taz" after all. . .and for good reason--it is a very accurate description!)

N. sang in the Children's Choir at church. That was really fun too. At one service he was in the very middle of the very front row. Fortunately, that is when I took pictures! He did great. Knew every word and was really enthusiastic!

We also had a great time making our Christmas card. . .if you didn't get one, it MUST be because I don't have your address--because I was really excited to send them this year! The Caption said "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from OUR version of a winter wonderland!"

We made Christmas cookies. . .still being on Weight Watchers, and desperate to make it to my goal weight by the end of the year. . .I had a hard time not eating them. So, I told the kids we would make them as gifts for the neighbors. We put them on plates and delivered them as soon as they were finished decorating to get the temptation out of the house as quickly as possible!

S. and I went to the bowl game. That was a lot of fun. They did not sell a lot of tickets, but they were two small schools that are very far from here. We won, so that made it even more fun. We went to a tailgate that the school put on before the game--we didn't see anyone we know, and the food was WAY too expensive for what you got. But, we had a good time anyway. There were free Tshirts on the seats when we got into the stadium so we got some for the kids. Afterwards, we went out to dinner with some friends that live here that went to the game.

Christmas Card Lane. . .about 2 1/2 blocks from here is a neighborhood called Christmas Card Lane. It started about 30 years ago, when a woman who was a great artist who lived there made a GIANT Christmas card out of plywood and put it in her yard as decoration. Keep in mind that was before the days of all kinds of store bought yard decor. She made several for her neighbors, and they all put them up. Each year, several more neighbors joined in. Now, it is 5 streets (think figure 8 layout) and it is amazing! These people go all out!

People come from EVERYWHERE to drive through. The trolley car company from downtown sends a car up here and charges to drive you around. Several horse drawn wagons do the same. Apparently, when you buy a house there, they have to disclose it in the purchase agreement because the month of December is SO crowded in the neighborhood! The good news is, the house usually comes with the card that the seller's used! We are lucky enough to have several friends who live over there.

Every weekend (Friday and Saturday nights) they have "barbeques" in their yards and watch the people go by. Keep in mind, this is different from a Texas barbeque--here it just means eating outside--like our version of a picnic. Anyway--there are fire pits (because it may get less than 55 degrees!!) and lawn chairs, and it is a lot of fun. We have gone over there a lot. Once was for an "official" party, and the rest of the time just to hang out. I didn't realize that I was feeling "homesick" for my Army family until we went. It was so similar to the way we all got together and sat in the yard, ate dinner, and watched the kids play that it brought tears to my eyes. It did make me feel part of a "community" though, so that was nice. I haven't really felt that since we got here!

Our friends, the M. family, have a MAJOR train collection. He works for a toy train company, and she has collected the cars since before she met him (meant to be, huh?) Every year they put out a display, but this year they made it a permanent part of their yard. Actually, they made it their permanent yard--not a part of it--it takes up the whole front grass! It has 3 tracks, buildings, a fountain, everything! The kids love to go over there because they get to work the controls of the trains. They also get to play with lots of kids, because everyone stops for a while when they get to the M. house, so the boys see lots of friends! (here will be a pic of D's train and some of Xmas card ln)

We do not have major plans for Christmas. Fortunately, we are not traveling. We had already made that decision, based on finances, and the craziness of last year's season (moving, traveling, etc.) but, boy, am I glad now. The airports are NUTS because of the blizzard in Colorado! We are just going to take it easy, hang out with each other, and enjoy being still! Our neighborhood has a pot luck on Christmas eve, and then they go caroling, so we will probably join in on that. We have been invited by friends of friends to come to their house on Christmas day for lunch. I was thinking I just wanted it to be our family for the day, but although that sounds like a great idea, we tend to start fighting amongst ourselves when trapped in the house all day, so we are going to the F's house. They have horses, so that should be fun. Afterward, we will probably go play with the trains! On the 23rd, we are going to cook out at the C family's house. It is supposed to be 69 degrees, and they are going to heat their pool so we will probably swim--I love it here! It has been cold and wet (in the 40s!!) but it should be beautiful and 65 by this afternoon!

The boys in the PJs that Aunt S and Uncle G sent!

The only bad news we have these days is about N's mouth! Apparently, we are going to make very good friends with all of the mouth care professionals in the city. R's surgery went well in Sept, and now we are on to N. His teeth hit directly on top of each other, or maybe a slight underbite. Because of that, every bite he takes causes "trauma" to his lower jawbone. It has caused the gums to pull away from his new permanent tooth on the bottom, so the roots don't have any support holding the tooth in. We have to see an orthodonist next week. Bad news is, our dental insurance ain't great--and the orthodontic coverage is particularly pitiful. It is likely that he will either need braces or a gum graft (yuk). He will likely need braces again later (when his "lifetime total coverage" has long been used up) J. also has a MAJOR underbite. He will need braces to correct it in a few years. So--it looks like all 3 boys will need braces by age 8, and the older two will both need them again as teenagers! I am thinking we need to get back to Europe--at least the dental care was free!

Pictures. . .finally!

I have not posted in a while, because I have been so irritated at the fact that I couldn't get the photos to post. . .today they are going up really fast! I don't know why, but maybe it was worth the wait! Anyway. . .lots of craziness going on around here, of course, due to the time of year. More soon. . .

This Sucks!

I cannot get pictures to post. I have tried everything. I've done it in regular compose and edit HTml. I've copied from other sources and typed straight in. I've tried one picture at a time and lots at a time. I give up.

Thanksgiving Week

The kids had the whole week off of school last week. We were supposed to go to WA to visit the McFamily, but the space A flights didn't work out. I was very sad, because I was really looking forward to some girl chat time, and have been homesick for them for a long time. We will try again soon I hope (although we may wait until the weather is nicer there!)

We went to the C family's house for Thanksgiving. It was a "traditional" Texas/Southern thanksgiving, meaning every dish is a casserole! I did a good job of not eating 14 helpings of everything in the house! After dinner, the kids swam and S. and I did the dishes. That was my entire contribution to the day (nice, huh? What do you expect of an Army wife who has spent the last 10 Thanksgivings in a mess hall?)

It was actually very relaxing. Usually on holidays we are trying to visit all the family, travel, get presents bought, etc. The craziness at the airports and on the roads make it miserable. And, last year we were in the process of moving, so we really didn't enjoy the entire Thanksgiving to Christmas time. It was nice to just relax and hang out!

On Monday, we got the kids flu shots!! That was lots of fun. They actually did very well. I prepared them ahead of time, and they hardly made a peep. N. was determined that he go first, then he backed out at the last minute. That was fine, because R. WANTED to get his shot. He went first, and didn't cry, so N. did ok. J. was really mad, but mostly because I put him down and then held his arms. I think if I could have held him it would have been better. Either way, he was fine in two seconds.

What else happened that week??? I went to see a plastic surgeon about my nose. He said it would probably do me a lot of good to have surgery on it again. He thinks it would really help my breathing/sleeping/headaches. He has been doing this for 28 years, and specializes in facial reconstruction. That makes me feel a little more confident. He said that he does not use general anesthesia, only IV sedation. I guess that is a good thing. Anyway--he said that the reason it hurt SO BAD last time, was that the surgeon probably didn't trim the splints. They should not have been pushing on the back of my throat. He said he makes sure they don't touch, so that it shouldn't hurt like strep throat again. I'm still not sure I'm willing to do it. That surgery was worse than childbirth--and I never had an epidural!!

N. is still playing soccer. Only two more weeks. They play a long time here, because the weather is so good. I told him he could choose his own haircut after the family pictures. He said he wants a flat top, but then he said he didn't actually know what a flat top was. Now he says he wants it to look like a teenager that we know. I am fine with that, because it is basically the same cut he has now, without the bottom being shaved. Basically a Beattles haircut. You would think that would bother me, but it doesn't. I'm not sure how S. feels about it. . .

N. is in the children's choir at church. He tried out for a speaking part, but she said that she gave them all to 5th graders. He was sad when I told him he didn't get a part and he asked why she even let the little kids try out if she wasn't going to give any of them a part. Good question. I may ask her that next time I see her, instead of punching her in the mouth, which is what I wanted to do! N. also said her show would be better if she included all ages. The audience would like it because they think little kids are cute. Smart boy. . .

R. still loves school. He wishes he could go more days, but they only allow 3 year olds to go 2 days. He made this at school. I love things that show their size. Those are pretty much the only things I keep!

J. is still the same crazy kid. Afraid of nothing. Jumps off of the back of the couch with nothing to land on. He is starting to talk a lot more. He still has that deep, raspy voice. It is pretty cute. His newest thing is to say "bless you" when someone sneezes. It kind of sounds like "tissue" which actually may be what he is saying. Either way, it is sweet.

The Horned Frogs are coming to SD to play in the Poinsettia Bowl. We are pretty excited! We are going to the game. Not sure how many people will be there, since it is on a Tuesday, but we will definitely be there!

Not much else is happening here. Just trying to stay in the swing of working out, and not fall too far off the wagon and eat a bunch of holiday treats! Other than that--just getting ready for Christmas--deocrating, shopping, etc. That's about it!

New Family Photos

REALLY IMPORTANT

If you have kids, or ever have kids in your car, please please please watch this. I couldn't believe it. N. is 53 pounds and in a booster. R. sits in it sometimes, since he is 32 pounds and it says it is for 35 pounds. Now I have GOT to find a way to afford the Britax car seats--
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azgBhZfcqaQ
I also read somewhere else that even great carseats will "expire" in about 6 years because they are made of plastic, which breaks down and becomes brittle. Wonderful. R. and J. are both in carseats that I bought when N. was born. That means NONE of my children are in safe carseats right now.

Catch Up

So--a few notes about random things. . .
I went to TX. My stepdad is doing beyond great. He looks better than he has in years and years. His first biopsy showed ZERO rejection. Amazing. Really and truly amazing. He was a perfect match on 20 of 21 categories. Crazy.

The kids made it through the week without me. S, of course, did a great job. I typed out a very specific list of routine stuff and they all did fine. They had halloween without me, which I don't mind, because it isn't on my list of very favorite days. Daddy let them stay up later, and probably eat more candy, than I would have anyway. They were all ninjas. J. was not thrilled about the idea of a costume at all, so he only managed to get his shirt on. He was apparently extremely happy with the idea of getting candy from complete strangers, though!

I am back in the swing of weight loss. I am now down exactly 51 pounds. I am shaking up my work out routine a little, trying out the idea of training to WALK a 1/2 marathon in January. We'll see if that actually happens. For now, it is motivating me to work really hard at my workouts. Only 1 more pound before I am "hireable" at Weight Watchers. I'd like to work there, just to keep me honest!

N. was invited to be on the All Stars team for soccer. We decided against it when the coach said "There will be 13 kids on the team, but I will play the top 8 or 9. I'm playing to win." We decided that there should not be a competitive game for a non-competitive league. The coach is from the "premier" league, and basically views the recreational league as a place for the players who aren't quite good enough to make his team. The All Star team is a chance to "prove you are good enough to be invited to try out for the premier league." Are you kidding??? They are 7!
I know eventually you have to learn that you don't always get to play if you aren't the best one, but I don't think now is the time to learn it. It would break the kid's heart to practice 3 times a week for 2 hours, play his regular team game and practice, and then get to the all star game and sit on the bench the entire time. He wouldn't understand it--he plays for teams that alternate, no matter how good or bad you are. And, I know he wouldn't want to go back. Who could blame him? We all feel that way when we aren't "first string" even if we get old enough to hide that feeling.
So, I don't want his love for the game to be destroyed by some idiot who thinks there might be college scouts at the 2nd grade all star game. We're sticking with the recreational league where the best player and the worst player play the exact same amount of time--and neither one of them has any idea that there is any difference in their abilities!

Not much else is going on. I am lonely. There are not friends here like there always have been before. There are people that I know, and that I have perfectly pleasant conversations with when I run into them. There are a few people that I trade babysitting with. But, no one who just comes over to hang out for the afternoon, or calls me to go get coffee. Luckily, S. is home a great deal, so that is worth the lack of friends. But, once in a while, I wish for a girl chat. Every afternoon when I watch the kids play in the culdesac I think of afternoons in the front yard in Germany with my 'sister'. Sitting at the "wine table" watching all the neighbors go by. Having them stop and chat. We always kept a couple of extra chairs in the carport, and by 5pm or so, someone was always sitting in them. I miss that a lot. Not the snow, not the deployments, but the friendships. . .I really really miss the friendships.

It's Getting Heavy

Ok...I have a lot of catching up to do. I will do that soon. Maybe tomorrow. Today I am just sad. S.'s friend died exactly 2 years ago today. He was the 4th person that we were close to that died there. On Halloween of this year, S's ranger buddy from the basic course, MAJ Doug Sloan, died in Afghanistan. He was on R&R only 2 weeks earlier when he met his little girl, his 4th child, for the first and last time. It is making me so tired.
I used to feel very bad for the women during Vietnam or WWII who's husbands were drafted, because they were left in their regular hometowns, and didn't have a network of other army wives to support them. Now I am thinking maybe it was easier. At least they only worried about the one guy. Now, not only do we worry about our own husbands, but those of the women who have become closer than sisters.
And what about those women who lose their husbands? Not only do they have to carry that horrible sadness with them for the rest of their lives, but they are still worrying about the husbands of their friends too! Each time they hear of another death it must just rip that wound open again.
My friend L, said that when her daughter was sick with leukemia it got very hard for her watching so many kids die. She made friends with the other children at the hospital, and with their parents. Then, many of them died. She said that at one point she just decided not to make friends with anyone anymore.
That's kind of how I felt when we heard about Doug. Maybe it would just be easier not to have any friends. S. wears a bracelet with the name of his friend from Germany on it. How many bracelets can someone wear before their arm gets too heavy to lift?

Heart Transplant Update

So--G. is home from the hospital. He came home exactly 1 week from the time he went in for the transplant. Amazing--truly amazing. It turns out that the donor was in fabulous physical condition. The heart was extremely strong. The doctors said it was much better than the one he would have gotten the week we had the "false alarm."

It is still strange that it has actually happened. He was sick for so long, and we were waiting for so long, and now it is just DONE. He is doing so great. He feels good, he is recovering great. He was only on the ventilator for a matter of hours! That is really outstanding, because the other two times he was on it, he had a really hard time getting weaned off. The tubes came out quickly, he started eating and moving around within a day or 2, and he was ready to go home. He didn't have any trouble with the anesthesia making him confused or anything. In fact, around day 4 I called my mom to check on him, and I was telling her about a smell in my kitchen. She let me talk to G, and he told me where it was probably coming from and how to fix it--he was right!

So, all in all, a GREAT WEEK!!!!! My sister, J., made it to Texas before the surgery was even over. She stayed until Sunday, and I think that helped my mom more than anything else could have. I think J's personality and style were exactly what my mom needed at that moment! I am going this Sunday and will be there a few days. He is doing so well, that basically I will be a shuttle driver. He has lots of rehab appointments, and he can't drive for a while (imagine that!)

This will be the first time I have ever left my kids, except to go to the hospital to have more kids! Even then, I saw them everyday--we just slept in different places. I have gone to Poland twice, but both times I saw them in the morning, and then saw them the following evening. It will probably be a little hard for me. They will do fine, of course! S. is taking the week off of work to stay home with them, so that makes it so much easier to go. It isn't that I have just REFUSED to leave them, I just haven't had the opportunity before.

We don't live close to family that I can leave them with for the weekend or whatever. I don't want to go away when someone comes to visit us, or we go visit them, because I want to see them too. So, it just hasn't happened. Any vacation that we've been on we take the kids with us, and I've never been on a "girls getaway" or whatever. So, I think this is a good first time, because I won't feel like I am being frivilous and wasting time and money that I can spend with and on them.

Anyway--that's the update. All is well (except for the + instead of -. See Below.)

Down in the Dumps. . .Up at the Scales

So. . .for the last two weeks, at my WW weigh ins, I have gotten + instead of -. That means GAIN weight instead of lose. Booooooo!!! I am really frustrated because last week I expected it, because I hadn't worked very hard. This week, I did work hard, and gained anyway. I am feeling like I may as well just accept the fact that I will never be a thin person. I'm going to be fat forever. I am so angry and sad that I don't know what to do. What would I tell someone else in my position? All of the cliched things that you say when you want to be supportive. How much would that help? None. Nothing will make me less sad about it right now. I decided today that I am going to walk in a half marathon in January. I am not ready to run one, although I have been running a lot lately. My friend, L., is going to walk it, so I am going to walk with her. I am trying to think about that right now instead of the fact that there is cookie dough in my freezer and I should just go eat every damn bit of it!

The Surgery

At 12:30 pm yesterday, my mom called and said they were on the way to the hospital. There was another donor, and a surgery time was set for 4:30. It is two hours later there than here, so that was only 2 hours away! Apparently all of the matching stuff was completed (maybe they saved the blood they had drawn and xrays from last week--I don't know.) Anyway--all they had to do was a final check to ensure that they heart was in good condition.

The donor was a 36 year old car accident victim. It makes me want to throw up to think about. Just a little older than me. . . probably married. . . probably small kids. I can't think about it.

So, my mother was very calm. She had good friends and family with her. She stayed calm until the doctor called several times for them to move G. to the operating room, and the people in the room were continuing to mess with his monitor. She finally yelled at them that there was no need for a monitor. Since he had an LVAD, they couldn't shock him if his heart stopped anyway, so LET'S GO. (I called right about that time and she sounded like a soldier!)

They started the surgery at about 6:45. At 11, I talked to my mother and G. was off of the bypass machine. They still had some repair work to do from the LVAD and they would stay in the operating room for a while to continue to check all the systems, but the heart was pumping on its own! (I still keep saying "the heart"--at what point is it "his heart"? I don't know. . .strange thoughts. . .)

A while later, I'm not sure when because I think I fell asleep, J. called and told me it was over and he was in recovery. (She arrived at the airport at 11:30 and had made it to the hospital by then) She said he was fine, still sedated and they would call today.

So, after all the craziness and mad dashes for the airport, it's over. Now what? I don't know. It's weird. He's been a heart patient for so long (I guess he still will be, but in a totally different way) I'm not sure that they will know how to act! We shall see I guess.

Please continue to pray for the donor's family. I don't know if we will get further information on him/her or not. I would like to, just because that part seems to be very difficult for me, but I believe it is up to them if they want to know G. or not. (They may not be allowed to at all, I don't know what the rules are.)

Thanks for your prayers and support. I am not sure when I am going there, or which kids I will take with me. I'll let you know!

Crazy Mom

Do you suppose that children are born with the ability to detect their mothers' crazy buttons? I mean, how is it that they are so PERFECTLY able to choose the exact moment that misbehavior will make me nuts? Today was one of those days. It actually was only one of those evenings--the rest of the day was fine. And really, it is my own fault. . .but still (hear the whining in my voice??)

R. had a playdate at our house with some kids from his preschool class. That was fun, but I didn't realize how late it was until S. got home from work. What I had intended to make for dinner would take 1 1/2 hours to cook, and we were all starving. So, we went out to eat. That made me mad at myself because I made bad choices and ate a LOT of garlic bread, so I was testy.

From there, we went to Mervyns, because R. has no pants that fit him. He needs to ones with the tabs inside the waist, because he keeps getting longer, but not wider (much like his older brother--much UNLIKE his mother). Anyway--R. and J. came in with me. N. and S. went to Sports Authority to get a new soccer ball (we are getting WAY into soccer these days).

So, the two small children, whom I thought were tired enough to be compliant, suddenly got bursts of energy and were sprinting through the store in opposite directions. Hiding in clothes racks, pulling things off shelves. . .etc. Of course, I am MAD because I want to get the stupid pants and go home and sleep. And, I am freaking out, because my brain is still German enough to be scared to death of my children being kidnapped in public places in America. So, I am crazily chasing them, and trying to take advantage of the GREAT sales.

S. calls on the cell phone to tell me they found a soccer ball for $10. I, frankly, could care less. I hang up and continue chasing. When S. and N. come through the door I actually say "I have never been closer to physical violence with those children than I am right now." I then walk completely away. I have no idea if S. can even see them, although I do see N. sliding on his knees down the walkway. Lovely. Nice addition to the rack hide 'n' go seek game!

In the car, R. starts complaining that he is hungry. I just about hit the roof, because he had to be FORCED to eat 3 bites of his dinner. (It was excellent pizza--no excuses!) He is still asking for food or milk or whatever when we get home. No no no no no. If you don't eat dinner, you don't get to fill up on junk or milk. You get only water until breakfast (I don't want to hear it--especially from my parents who are cracking up right now at the thought of the payback I am getting for my childhood eating habits--just hush!) So, he cries.

J. is crying for who knows why. So, I go up to check on him, and he pukes all over the place. 3 times. Great. Stick him in the tub. R. stops crying because he wants to get in the bath too. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN BED BECAUSE I AM CERTAIN THAT THERE IS CHOCOLATE SOMEWHERE IN THIS HOUSE WAITING TO BE CONSUMED BY ME!!

Everyone gets out, gets PJs on, and then they start "Mommy, can you sleep with me?" This question literally makes me want to pull my hair out because they say it so much. In fact, my response to them was "That question makes me want to pull my hair out." Why do they even have their own rooms? Or their own beds? I may have lost some weight, but I am still not getting a good night's sleep when I am sharing a twin bed with a squirmy 3 year old &/or his older or younger brother!

So--the last thing my kids hear me say before they go to bed is "No--I want to sleep in my own bed by myself!" Great. I suck. SUCK SUCK SUCK! On a normal basis, my response is "I'll lay down with you until you go to sleep and then I'm going to sleep in my room." I'm sure that is not the right way to handle it, but it is kinder than today's response. Today I suck.

Cool Weekend

We had a pretty fun filled, busy weekend!

First, on Friday night, we went to a chili cookoff at church. Our friend L. entered chili named "World's Most Expensive Chili!" Can you believe it had 7 1/2 pounds of ribeye steak in it? It was really good. . .she didn't win from the judges (no taste, I guess--how could a native Texan not win a chili cookoff??) But, she did get third place in People's Choice!

Some of the people (including the entrants) had never been to a chili cookoff or even HEARD of one! Crazy! It is a staple fall event in small towns across the Lone Star State! I love them and miss them A LOT! S. remembers going to a chili cookoff with my grandfather and he helped cook! The cooking pot was so big that they stirred with axe handles!

Anyway--the church chili cookoff seemed to be a success. We had a good time--even though it poured down rain for a few minutes. We were all able to get inside and no one was the worse for wear! The cowboy theme was, of course, embraced by R. who plans to be a cowboy when he grows up. J. participated too, but only due to force from his mother. He was NOT thrilled with the "get up" I put on him!

On Saturday, we got up early to go to the Air Show at the Marine base. As soon as we got to the parking lot, a light drizzle started. By the time we were getting the kids out of the car, it was raining. We weren't totally prepared, but we had some emergency blankets and ponchos, so we wrapped the kids, stuck them in the stroller and started walking toward the flight line. A few hundred yards into the hike, it started POURING! S. stopped and said "You need to make a decision. I don't mind to get wet, but if you are going to want to go back, let's go now." N. was having none of that. He immediately said he was going to see the planes and kept walking. We followed and a few minutes later, the clouds broke and the sun was shining.

It turned out to be a great day! We found the Army guys and hung out with them for a while. The kids did push ups with one of the recruiters, and he gave them Tshirts (he gave me one too, and I didn't have to do any pushups! He must have looked at me and known immediately there was no chance I would ever make it in the Army so no need to waste his time! The kids, however, are prime recruiting targets!)

They got to go through the virtual trainer, and our friends, the chili cookin' C. family, joined us and they went through too. They also got Tshirts (they had to do pushups for them too--daughter #1, at 12 years old and with a broken finger did 35!!!!)

We went to the grandstands to watch the Golden Knights jump (AWESOME) and then came out and got their autographs! (Another cool note--by the time we got there, the grandstands were full. There was one section that was roped off, but it was for USAA members! Since we had our card, we got to sit there! (I love that company--not just for that, but it WAS cool!)

After that, we walked around some more and the kids climbed on vehicles, held some weapons, and tried on equipment. They made a cute helicopter crew! Finally, we went back to the grandstands and watched the Blue Angels! REALLY REALLY COOL!!!! Scary, loud, and TOTALLY AMAZING!!!

The only down thing about the day was that early in the day the soccer association said that all the games were cancelled, so we didn't rush back for N.'s game at 3pm. Apparently, some time in the day, they changed that and the game was played. I feel really bad about it, because I should have checked with the coach and I didn't. I know that it isn't a professional game or anything, but I feel like I let N. and his team down.

So--Saturday evening we went to a birthday party for our friends' little girl, and then Sunday was church and AWANA. Both boys earned awards at AWANA, and S. and I had a great dinner with our friend, J.

All together, a lovely weekend!

More Photos. . .

It stopped letting me add photos to the last post, I thought maybe it was because I had too many--so here goes with some more!

Beach Boys!

I have no idea where this is from--but R. looks like he had a really good time!

These Boys. . .

I just wanted to put some pics up of the kids, because I haven't in a while, and they are just too darn cute!
This is N's heritage doll. They were supposed to dress it in the traditional clothing of their ancestors. My family is basically English with a little Irish and Scottish thrown in on my mom's side. S.'s family is from everywhere across the continent of Europe. Seriously! So, we settled on Scotland, since it was easiest to identify "traditional clothing." I am aware that it looks a little femine, but you have to admit, it is pretty cool. Can you see the bagpipes in the photo? (The other disturbing part is that you can SEE THROUGH THE KILT! At least THIS Scot wears SOMETHING under his--I've heard that isn't always the case! ha ha!) Also--he is not wearing earrings--the white part is where I messed up the photo trying to cut out his ears!

N. with his friend R.--last day of kindergarten last year

J. and his girlfriend in the playhouse during N's birthday party this summer. Doesn't it just look like a grown up couple in the kitchen--one trying to cook and the other giving instructions!

The simple beauty of this child's smile will never cease to amaze me!

False Alarm/Dry Run

At 11:30 today I got a call from my stepsister, B. She said "I just got a call. There is a donor. Your mom is headed to the hospital from work, and my dad said he is fine to drive himself, so he is on the way there."
The next few hours were quite harried. I cried when I thought of the donor's family. I cried when I thought of my mom in that hospital waiting area alone (she's NOT--my brother is there, my aunt is on her way, chuch people, etc.--but I'M NOT THERE!)
I talked to my mom and she seemed fine. She said she was happy, which was a relief to me, because she has been really freaked out by the idea of this surgery. G. arrived at the hospital while I was on the phone and I talked to him for a few minutes. Then, I called my sister back and told her to call my mom's cell right away so she could reach her dad. (He never answers his--I think it's because he can't hear it ring.) I called my brother to be sure my mom had called him.
All of this is going on while I was driving down the interstate to take R. to have his stitches out. (STOP YELLING AT ME--I don't normally do that--this is a crisis situation we're talking about and I used a hands free device--sheesh!)
I began desperately trying to come up with a way to get to Dallas. Turns out, there is no affordable way. B & J found some tickets for them and for me, we would link up in LA and continue on from there. The tickets were $411. I have to buy 2, since the little kids are going with me, so it may as well have been $4000. I just don't have it. Southern California is lots of nice things--but cheap AIN'T one of 'em. (Notice the accent comes out in times of stress--even in typing!)
My friend L, cried because I wouldn't let her buy me the tickets. She called a few minutes later and said they had enough airline miles to buy us the tickets. When I told her that her husband might need to use those miles to go somewhere she said "I'm never letting him going anywhere!" She really and truly would buy those tickets for me without blinking an eye, just because she is a giving person. It made me cry that she even offered. I just couldn't let her do it.
Next, my next door neighbor said her daughter works for Southwest Airlines and she might have some employee passes we could use. She jumped up to go in and call her before she left work, and right about that time B. called back.
False alarm. Something wasn't compatible. She wasn't sure what, but she had to hang up and cancel tickets and babysitters and everything else, and try to make it to her room mom meeting (and there are people who say stay home moms don't work!)
After many calls back and forth across the country (God bless the fact that calls between Cingular cell phones are free!!) I basically got this information. One of the antibodies reverted. What the hell does that mean? It means that at the very very last minute (they had already signed the surgery consent and the nurses had drawn 22 vials of blood, but not shaved his chest) something didn't match up. It seems like they could check all that ahead of time, and for the most part they do. But, there is always a chance that something will screw it up at the last minute. One antibody didn't like the heart. Thank God they have a way to test for that. Anyway--his doctor tried to talk them into it, but the transplant team held firm. That is their job. It is for the protection of the patient, and to prevent the "waste" of the heart.
So--it is a lot like a space shuttle launch. You think that the only thing that can delay it is weather, which is easy to detect way ahead of time, but in reality, there are billions of tiny details that can throw it off.
The good news is, we all got a little practice at what this will be like. We learned what did not work, and as my sister said "We need a new plan, because our plan SUCKED!" She was referring to the fact that we couldn't figure out how to get there, which kids to take with us, etc. So--we are working on that (If anyone has any connections for cheap airline tickets--I could really use the info!!)
The other thing we learned is that it is REALLY GOOD that they called us when they got the first call. Originally, they were only going to call once they were sure and headed in. We learned today that those few hours in between gave us some adjustment time that we all definitely needed. If that call at 11:30 had been, "They're shaving my chest, talk to you on the other end," we would have all freaked out. We freaked out anyway, but at least by the next phone call we were settled a little.
So--now I am rambling because I am still not sure how to digest the whole concept that someone I know is having a transplant--a HEART transplant, and now it is literally going to happen within days. They have done 3 there this week and it is only Tuesday. Whoa. Keep prayin'!

Details on the heat transplant list

Ok--so this is what has happened. My stepdad, G., now has an LVAD. I wish I knew how to make those link things, so I could send you to the post where I detailed what that is, but I don't. Sorry. Anyway--it is a machine that replaces part of his heart that he wears on a belt. Nice, huh?
Anyway--there were some stitches left in that should have been removed a LONG time ago. They became infected. Not good. A person cannot get a transplant when they have an infection--we thought. Turns out, that is only the case when the infection is systemic. So--they put him on antibiotics. The infection continued to get worse. At this point, he is on IV antibiotics 4 times per day. So, the other day, the IV doc determined that they cannot take him off of the antibiotics or the infection will become systemic. But, if he stays on them for a long time, it will begin to affect his liver, kidneys, etc. In fact, his renal function is slightly altered already.
So, the choices are: 1) Take out the LVAD and put in a new one or 2) do the transplant. Although it sounds nuts, the LVAD is actually a MUCH more complicated, critical procedure. It actually took about 5 1/2 months for G. to be back to a normal functioning human being after his was put in. So, the doctors determined that this situation makes him a critical need for a heart. Everything else works great, so he is an ideal transplant candidate. They don't want to put that at risk by staying on the antibiotics forever, and the alternative is to get off of them and then, basically, an infection would kill him.
So--while I always thought that anyone on the "A" list was at death's door, counting the seconds in the hospital, racing the clock (and that is usually the case) that is not what is happening here. It is a race, because he needs to be off the antibiotics soon, but for now, he is basically stable.
It is never easy to say when the transplant will come. The heart has to match, and there have to be donors available (which is not as common as you might think). But, eventually it will come. And that means that someone will die. Some family will lose their loved one. It will likely be someone young, and it will probably be an unexpected, traumatic death (auto accident or something.) It is horrible to think of. I don't pray for him to get a heart. I know that will evenutally happen. I just pray for the donor's family, because right now, this minute, they don't know it is coming. And then it will suddenly just be there. They will have to make that decision. I pray that they have discussed it, and that everyone knows the person's wishes, so it won't be something they have to decide in the middle of their shock and grief. Keep it in your prayers, please.
Also--I tell everyone I know or meet this: When I die, if you can, DONATE EVERYTHING THEY CAN TAKE. My corneas, my lungs, my skin--everything. Help as many people as you can. I don't do much to contribute to society, but I want to do this. Remind my family how important to me it was, just in case they forget. Thanks!

Heart Transplant

My stepfather has just been moved to number 1A on the heart transplant list. That means that the next heart that matches him is his. I will explain more about the move in the list later, but for now--please add it to your prayer list--both my stepfather and the donor and his/her family. Thanks!