My stepmother's father is very ill. He has been sick for a very long time, with emphysema and (I think) diabetes. He had to have a leg amputated several years ago. Anyway, for the last couple of months it has been really bad. He has been in the hospital in a lot of pain. My stepmom went there (he lives about 2 hours from her) and hasn't left in 3 weeks. She can barely stand to leave to take a shower.
He is on a lot of medication to ease his pain and anxiety. My dad says that he looks like the most awful pictures you have ever seen of the victims of Auschwitz. He says that he takes abour 4 or 5 breaths per minute. Each breath is terribly painful. He can only get his lungs to expand for about 1/4 of a breath.
I know that God has a plan, and when it is our time to go, we go. But, this is just awful. He is in such agony. His wife suffers watching him suffer. His children can't help him, and they are having to watch him slowly die. He can't swallow, so he hasn't had anything to eat or drink in 2 weeks. At one point, they considered sending him home on hospice. I am not sure why they haven't done that yet.
So--here's the thing. I haven't ever been sure how I felt about "euthenasia" (I probably spelled that wrong). I know that I would not want to suffer, and I have told my family on multiple ocassions that if something bad happens to me, let me go. Don't put yourselves through having to take care of me. But, I believe it is against the law to "help" someone die. Isn't that what Dr. Kevorkian was put in jail for? Anyway, I'm pretty sure it is illegal. Understand, Pops has not ever told anyone that he wanted to go ahead and die, so this doesn't really pertain to him. It has just made me think. If someone is suffering so badly and they want it to end. . .why do we make that illegal? If I had a dog that was in the same condition that Pops is in, and someone reported me--I would go to jail for animal cruelty. With animals we are told that it is the "humane" thing to do because "they have no quality or dignity to their lives anymore."
Again, Pops hasn't asked anyone to help him die, but when he finally takes his last breath, that old cliche will certainly be true--he will be in a better place, he will no longer be in pain, and he will be with God. It just makes me think about how and why we make the decisions we do.
I realize that this is totally rambling and not tied together. I am just so sad for C. and her dad and his wife and everyone else. They are in this horrible in between thing of having to take care of his body, while they watch it waste away. They can't yet grieve his death, because he's still alive, but his life is misery. It is just too awful.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Strength, Stability, and Flexability
So. . .I have been thinking over my workout plan a lot lately. I have been trying to increase my running, but I decided the other day--what for? I hate running. I don't think it is fun. I don't get a runner's high, and I don't feel proud that I can do something other people can't. The only thing I get out of it is weight loss. I can run 4 miles and lose about 1/2 a pound a day. So, that is enough to keep me doing it. I thought about working my way up to some races (they have great ones year round here) but I just don't want to.
Two things that I saw recently have redirected my plan. First, I saw a photo of a woman, about my age (a year old, actually) standing on one foot, with her other leg extended straight up in the air (shin next to ear) holding that foot with her hands above her head. Second, I saw a woman at my gym who is 67 years old who, I swear, is a human pretzel. She could bend her body into some crazy contortions, just to try to stretch! That's how flexible she is. So. . .here's my thoughts. In the long run, I will not be able to run forever. It just isn't a smart choice, when you consider the impact on your knees and the rest of your body. What I DO need to have forever is strength, stability, and flexability. (I think I have spelled that wrong, but it is late and I am too tired to figure it out.) Anyway--my trainer and I have been working on the stability. Some of the simplest exercises are very difficult for me. I am pretty clumsy anyway, so the fact that I have not done a lot of work on that area doesn't help. Eventually, as I grow older, and my bones are not as strong, I will need my muscles and joints to be in good condition to keep my body safe and healthy. As for the flexability, I think that will help with those "aches and pains" of age that are the result of lack of muscle use. Also, I just thought that picture of that lady's foot over her head was really cool.
So. . .I will keep up the running, just for the weight loss. Not try to push for more constantly. I will continue weight training, because I like being able to wear tank tops and not be embarrassed of my arms, but now I will add in pilates and yoga to work toward the new goal. I am not sure that the goal will be to hold my foot above my head, but I'd like to be able to extend one leg straight out at a 90 degree angle to the floor and hold it there for 10 seconds (try it--it's much harder than it sounds!)
Two things that I saw recently have redirected my plan. First, I saw a photo of a woman, about my age (a year old, actually) standing on one foot, with her other leg extended straight up in the air (shin next to ear) holding that foot with her hands above her head. Second, I saw a woman at my gym who is 67 years old who, I swear, is a human pretzel. She could bend her body into some crazy contortions, just to try to stretch! That's how flexible she is. So. . .here's my thoughts. In the long run, I will not be able to run forever. It just isn't a smart choice, when you consider the impact on your knees and the rest of your body. What I DO need to have forever is strength, stability, and flexability. (I think I have spelled that wrong, but it is late and I am too tired to figure it out.) Anyway--my trainer and I have been working on the stability. Some of the simplest exercises are very difficult for me. I am pretty clumsy anyway, so the fact that I have not done a lot of work on that area doesn't help. Eventually, as I grow older, and my bones are not as strong, I will need my muscles and joints to be in good condition to keep my body safe and healthy. As for the flexability, I think that will help with those "aches and pains" of age that are the result of lack of muscle use. Also, I just thought that picture of that lady's foot over her head was really cool.
So. . .I will keep up the running, just for the weight loss. Not try to push for more constantly. I will continue weight training, because I like being able to wear tank tops and not be embarrassed of my arms, but now I will add in pilates and yoga to work toward the new goal. I am not sure that the goal will be to hold my foot above my head, but I'd like to be able to extend one leg straight out at a 90 degree angle to the floor and hold it there for 10 seconds (try it--it's much harder than it sounds!)
Happy Birthday to the Babies!
I have to stop referring to the two youngest children as babies. It makes R. very angry with me, but I just can't help it. I feel like they are babies. Anyway--in the last 5 days, they both had a birthday. R. turned 4 on Thursday, and J. turned 2 today. They had a joint party on Saturday. I swore I would never do that, but at this point, J. is so young that he doesn't really have his own friends. . .just those that I have forced on him because they are children of my friends or siblings of the other two boys' friends. So, I figured one (or maybe two or three) joint parties won't hurt anybody!
It was a great time. My friend, L. bought a bounce house a few days ago, so we borrowed that. She also made their cakes. This woman is talented. She does SUCH a great job. And, she makes this wonderful chocolate icing with cinnamon in it. I don't even like cinnamon that much, and I love this icing. The night of the party, at about 2 am, I ate some of the cake without even cutting it--just straight from the cake! I used to fork though!
Anyway--I had to leave the party early to go to my Weight Watchers employment interview, so L. and a couple of other friends stayed and helped clean up. I think, overall, I was the big winner when it came to this party. Little planning (hot dogs to eat, and L. provided the entertainment) fancy beautiful cakes for free, and I didn't have to clean anything! AND--I only had to do one party! AND I got HIRED BY WEIGHT WATCHERS!
All in all, a great day. For me. Not for the kids. They got sick later that afternoon--back to croup coughs and fever. We've all been passing these germs back and forth for about 5 weeks now. It seems to be mutating between each kid (and me) so that we get it again and again. That sucks, but other than that. . .a good weekend.
Family Visit
My brother (J. calls him "Unc Buggy"), my sister-in-law ("Shelf"), and their beautiful daughter, G (he says her name perfectly) were here this past weekend. It was so much fun. J. and G. are only 6 weeks apart, so they were HILARIOUS!! They are 2 now, so the famous toddler statement "Mine!" was heard throughout the house many many times! Being their first child, it makes UB and Auntie C. a little irritated, but they handled it quite well! I mostly just cracked up about it (I have mellowed SO MUCH since the first child--I amaze myself!) Anyway--we had a great time. We went to the Wild Animal Park, a Super Bowl Party, and to Sea World. It was really fun. Auntie C was a great sport, since she is pregnant and was REALLY not feeling well the entire time. She pretended that she was fine, but she didn't feel great. I always think that I am fine with living far from family, that I have adjusted and I will be ok--and then they come to visit. It makes me so so so so so sad when they leave. Especially UB, Auntie C, and G. I could live next door to them forever and be happy about it! I am hoping that we will get to go home over the summer some time (pray for space A flights!!!!!) and see them and the new baby! Here are some photos from their visit! Auntie C sent me some more, but I have to figure out the Kodak account thing to put them on here. . .hers are a lot better than mine!
Civilian Child vs. Military Child
1. A civilian child sees race or maybe diversity; a military child sees friends as close as family.
2. A civilian child has a best friend in his hometown, a military child has a best friend on every continent.
3. A civilian child sees the planes flying over; a military child knows what type of plane it is, and knows someone who works on them.
4. A civilian child smells something nasty and says "Eeewwww! What's that smell?" A military child smells something nasty and says "M.O.P.P. 4! M.O.P.P. 4!"
5. A civilian child sees someone in uniform; a military child can tell you what branch he's in and what rank he is.
6. A civilian child thinks home is where the heart is; a military child knows that home is where the military sends you.
7. A civilian child kisses mommy and daddy goodnight; a military child often kisses a picture of mommy or daddy goodnight.
8. A civilian child lives for tomorrow and what it might bring; a military child lives for today, because tomorrow might bring orders for daddy to go away again
9. A civilian child talks on the phone for fun; a military child lives for the 15 minute weekly phone call.
10. A civilian child can read and write in English; a military child can read and write acronyms.
11. A civilian child says goodbye; a military child says see you later.
12. A civilian child gets to see things other children would love to see; a military child gets to see things world leaders would love to see.
13. A civilian child often goes to the same school his whole life; a military child will change schools every 2 years.
14. A civilian child leaves his hometown for vacation; a military child only sees his "hometown" for vacation.
15. A civilian child supports our soldiers; a military child IS a soldier.
Pray for our troops. . .including the little ones helping hold down the homefront!
2. A civilian child has a best friend in his hometown, a military child has a best friend on every continent.
3. A civilian child sees the planes flying over; a military child knows what type of plane it is, and knows someone who works on them.
4. A civilian child smells something nasty and says "Eeewwww! What's that smell?" A military child smells something nasty and says "M.O.P.P. 4! M.O.P.P. 4!"
5. A civilian child sees someone in uniform; a military child can tell you what branch he's in and what rank he is.
6. A civilian child thinks home is where the heart is; a military child knows that home is where the military sends you.
7. A civilian child kisses mommy and daddy goodnight; a military child often kisses a picture of mommy or daddy goodnight.
8. A civilian child lives for tomorrow and what it might bring; a military child lives for today, because tomorrow might bring orders for daddy to go away again
9. A civilian child talks on the phone for fun; a military child lives for the 15 minute weekly phone call.
10. A civilian child can read and write in English; a military child can read and write acronyms.
11. A civilian child says goodbye; a military child says see you later.
12. A civilian child gets to see things other children would love to see; a military child gets to see things world leaders would love to see.
13. A civilian child often goes to the same school his whole life; a military child will change schools every 2 years.
14. A civilian child leaves his hometown for vacation; a military child only sees his "hometown" for vacation.
15. A civilian child supports our soldiers; a military child IS a soldier.
Pray for our troops. . .including the little ones helping hold down the homefront!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Attitude
I recently read two things that caused me to consider carefully my attitude. I am, in general, very aware of how great my life is. Particularly right now. Everyone in my family (that even includes all 4 of my grandparents) are healthy. My children are wonderful. My husband is not only wonderful, he is in a non-deployable job, so I get to enjoy his wonderfulness, and not just read about it in emails!, we live in an outstanding house that we SO LUCKED OUT in getting and that house is in a beautiful place. . .We're getting a great tax return that should wipe out our financial struggles from moving back from Europe, we have everything we need, and most everything we want. Anyway--I am pretty aware of how lucky I am. But, I read these two things, and it made it more on the forefront of my mind. One is a cute, made up story. One is a sad, real life story. Both are cause to stop, think, and give thanks to God.
Cute, made up:
A woman woke up one morning and found that she had only 3 hairs on her head. She said "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did, and she had a wonderful day.
The next morning, she woke up with only 2 hairs on her head. She said "I think I'll wear my hair parted in the middle today." So she did, and she had a great day.
The next day, she woke up with only one hair. She said "I think I'll put my hair in a ponytail today." So she did, and she had a fabulous day.
The next day, she woke up with no hair at all. She said "I don't have to fix my hair today!!"
It's all about attitude. . .
Sad, real life:
I read this on my friend's blog. I don't know the people, so I am changing their names. Sally and Dave. Dave is in the military. They have a small child. Dave is a typical military guy--healthy, strong, active. One morning, he is playing with his child on the bed before he goes to work. He has a stroke. No warning signs, no family history, nothing. He is moved to Walter Reed to recover. Sally finds out that she is finally pregnant after trying for more than a year. She moves the family to be with Dave.
Good news. . .after months of therapy, Dave recovers almost completely. He can return to active duty. Bad news. . .they find out that they are pregnant with a baby boy with a chromosome defect (I believe it is called trisomy 18). The baby will only live a day or two after his birth.
He is due in February. I just can't imagine. The horror of knowing you must plan for your son's birth and his death at the same time. The anger at the fact that as long as he is in her belly, he is still alive--but there is nothing she can do to keep him there. The fear of completely losing your physical strength, your spiritual faith, and your rational mind all at one time. I honestly cannot imagine the pain they must feel. I can't fathom anything that would make it better. All I can think to do is to everyday say a prayer of thanks for my blessings and a prayer of peace for that family.
Cute, made up:
A woman woke up one morning and found that she had only 3 hairs on her head. She said "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did, and she had a wonderful day.
The next morning, she woke up with only 2 hairs on her head. She said "I think I'll wear my hair parted in the middle today." So she did, and she had a great day.
The next day, she woke up with only one hair. She said "I think I'll put my hair in a ponytail today." So she did, and she had a fabulous day.
The next day, she woke up with no hair at all. She said "I don't have to fix my hair today!!"
It's all about attitude. . .
Sad, real life:
I read this on my friend's blog. I don't know the people, so I am changing their names. Sally and Dave. Dave is in the military. They have a small child. Dave is a typical military guy--healthy, strong, active. One morning, he is playing with his child on the bed before he goes to work. He has a stroke. No warning signs, no family history, nothing. He is moved to Walter Reed to recover. Sally finds out that she is finally pregnant after trying for more than a year. She moves the family to be with Dave.
Good news. . .after months of therapy, Dave recovers almost completely. He can return to active duty. Bad news. . .they find out that they are pregnant with a baby boy with a chromosome defect (I believe it is called trisomy 18). The baby will only live a day or two after his birth.
He is due in February. I just can't imagine. The horror of knowing you must plan for your son's birth and his death at the same time. The anger at the fact that as long as he is in her belly, he is still alive--but there is nothing she can do to keep him there. The fear of completely losing your physical strength, your spiritual faith, and your rational mind all at one time. I honestly cannot imagine the pain they must feel. I can't fathom anything that would make it better. All I can think to do is to everyday say a prayer of thanks for my blessings and a prayer of peace for that family.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Weight Watchers (Again)
Yes--I realize that it has become an obsession for me. Anyway--if you are on Weight Watchers (especially the flex plan) send me an email. I have a GREAT website for you!
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Things Learned in Texas
This was forwarded to me by my friend, and fellow Texan who also recently moved to this other universe we refer to as Southern California. I have never felt as homesick as I did reading some of these. You may not understand them, but those of you who have been confused by my odd food or vocabulary choices may find it to be some insight into the way my mind works. I have highlighted the ones that specifically apply to my life in a very small east texas town!
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all 4 feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4, 998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, along with a few no one has identified yet.
Racoons will test your melon crop and let you know when it is ripe.
If it grows, it will stick to you, if it crawls, it will bite you.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their houses (also referred to as bob wire--barbed wire for those who don't speak Texan.)
A tractor is not an all terrain vehicle. They DO get stuck.
Then wind blows 90 miles an hour from Oct. 2 to June 25, then it stops completely.
Onced and twiced are words. As are reckon, fixinto, and yonder.
Coldbeer is one word. It is pronounced "coalbeer."
People actually grow and eat okra.
Green grass DOES burn.
You can't run across the yard in the summer. The heat has made cracks in the ground so big, your whole foot will fall in and you'll break your ankle.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate at night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's breakfast, dinner, and supper.
Ordering "tea" means sweetened iced tea, and it is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.
"Backwards and forwards" means "everything I need to know about you."
"Jeet?" is a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you are done or until it is to dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes or hours.
You switch from A/C to heat in the same day. And, you don't turn it on--you "cut" it on.
There are many types of fits, the most common of which are hissy and wall eyed--fits are not thrown, they are pitched. As in "Why are you pitchin' such a wall eyed fit?"
Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. And they don't have carts, they have buggies.
You see cars in the parking lots running with nobody in them all year round.
All festivals across the state are named for a fruit or vegetable.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
You know what cow tippin' and snipe huntin' are.
You have 4 spices in your kitchen: salt, pepper, ketchup, and tabasco.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but take up six to cover Friday night high school football games.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find 100 degrees "a tad warm."
The four seasons are summer, almost summer, still summer, and Christmas.
You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
You know if another Texan is from North, South, East, or West Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
Going to WalMart is a favorite pastime referred to as "goin' Walmartin'" or "off to Wally World."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70) "good chili eatin' weather."
Regardless of the brand, all carbonated beverages are Cokes. You ask guests "Do you want a coke?" If they say yes you ask what kind.
If y'all don't understand these. . .I suggest you go to Texas and visit for a spell.
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all 4 feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4, 998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, along with a few no one has identified yet.
Racoons will test your melon crop and let you know when it is ripe.
If it grows, it will stick to you, if it crawls, it will bite you.
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their houses (also referred to as bob wire--barbed wire for those who don't speak Texan.)
A tractor is not an all terrain vehicle. They DO get stuck.
Then wind blows 90 miles an hour from Oct. 2 to June 25, then it stops completely.
Onced and twiced are words. As are reckon, fixinto, and yonder.
Coldbeer is one word. It is pronounced "coalbeer."
People actually grow and eat okra.
Green grass DOES burn.
You can't run across the yard in the summer. The heat has made cracks in the ground so big, your whole foot will fall in and you'll break your ankle.
When you live in the country, you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your gate at night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's breakfast, dinner, and supper.
Ordering "tea" means sweetened iced tea, and it is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.
"Backwards and forwards" means "everything I need to know about you."
"Jeet?" is a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you are done or until it is to dark to see.
You measure distance in minutes or hours.
You switch from A/C to heat in the same day. And, you don't turn it on--you "cut" it on.
There are many types of fits, the most common of which are hissy and wall eyed--fits are not thrown, they are pitched. As in "Why are you pitchin' such a wall eyed fit?"
Stores don't have bags, they have sacks. And they don't have carts, they have buggies.
You see cars in the parking lots running with nobody in them all year round.
All festivals across the state are named for a fruit or vegetable.
You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.
You know what cow tippin' and snipe huntin' are.
You have 4 spices in your kitchen: salt, pepper, ketchup, and tabasco.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but take up six to cover Friday night high school football games.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You find 100 degrees "a tad warm."
The four seasons are summer, almost summer, still summer, and Christmas.
You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
You know if another Texan is from North, South, East, or West Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
Going to WalMart is a favorite pastime referred to as "goin' Walmartin'" or "off to Wally World."
You describe the first cool snap (below 70) "good chili eatin' weather."
Regardless of the brand, all carbonated beverages are Cokes. You ask guests "Do you want a coke?" If they say yes you ask what kind.
If y'all don't understand these. . .I suggest you go to Texas and visit for a spell.
MORE Military Wife Pride
As you may or may not be able to tell, I am simply furious at the chicken person who left the anonymous comment on my last post. The idea that a military wife should not express pride in what she and her husband do is just preposterous! Here's the thing. Some people contribute to the betterment of society. That includes military servicemembers and their families. It also includes police, firefighters, teachers, medical professionals, victims' advocates, watchdog groups, people who rock sick babies in hospitals, people who knit blankets for cancer patients, and countless others. Every one of those people has the right to be proud of themselves. They can say "I did something today to make the world a better place."
There are other people out there who don't necessarily go out of their way to improve society, but are nonetheless grateful for those who do. For example, before I had children, I was a special event planner. I am sure that my job made the world a bit more interesting for a few moments, but it didn't actually HELP anyone or anything. However, I have ALWAYS been very aware of those amazing people who do--and I not only do I appreciate them, I try to go out of my way to tell them.
And finally, there are the third type of people. The ones who not only don't contribute, the don't even realize how good they have it in life. Sipping lattes and cursing at the nightly news does not a humanitarian make. What kind of person even has the TIME to sit on their ass and surf the web, find a blog about a family they've never met (and if I am very lucky--never will) and make rude and offensive comments? I think it is a person who feels quite guilty in the comfortable little sheltered life that they lead. Any reference that might indicate that someone else does MORE than they do embarrasses them, and so they are quick to go on the offensive, as was the anonymous commenter.
So, let me just say this. I have a friend that runs marathons to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If she wore a Tshirt that said "Last week I raised $5,000 for cancer research--how are you helping?" What would be my response? First of all, I would say that anyone who runs a marathon needs to invest in a good car--but, other than that--I would say: Oh my gosh! That is so awesome! You are an amazing person to be willing to do something that difficult to contribute to a cause!
I'm not willing to run a marathon. Not for cancer research, not for free chocolate--not even if a bear was chasing me. I have no problem admitting that she can do something I can't, and that I might benefit from it. I am impressed, I am appreciative, and I would never be a rude, insensitive, whiny bitch about it (especially not an anonymous one).
So--to the anonymous poster--if you're feeling guilty, go volunteer at a shelter or build a house with habitat for humanity, or just teach a kid to ride a bike--but stay the hell away from my blog. You're not welcome here as I'm sure several of my Army sisters will attest to (and if you think the Tshirt slogans were rough--you can't IMAGINE what a bunch of military wives are like when we unite behind a common cause, and you can bet your ass every one of them will support me on this!)
Now--here's another cool military wife thing (and another thing that people outside the military will not even be able to understand--much less find funny). I got it from my friend D, who, along with her 1 year old daughter, is anxiously counting down the days until her husband's return from the big sandbox!
Deployments:
1. Deployments = sexual deprivation to the extreme. I'm surprised half those guys haven't gone psycho and castrated themselves to escape the pain. . .
2. Deployments = waiting by the phone 24/7. When they finally do call, it is the best 20 minutes of your life, and mostly consists of "I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you. . .
3. Deployments = expensive packages. Care packages are expensive.
4. Deployments = OH GOD!! I miss him! I miss him! I miss him! I miss him!
5. Deployments = Finding out who your true friends are, when all you talk about is him, and they still stick by your crazy ass!
6. Deployments = The best diet of your life! Half the time, you can't eat because you can't stop thinking of him, and whenever you get stressed, you exercise. . .someone should market the "military wife" diet!
7. Deployments = Pointless. They should just set all the military wives, girlfriends, and moms on any enemy. In 24 hours we would show them who's boss--just to get our men back!
8. Deployments = FOX News. Come on--admit it. You look for him every time it is on!
9. Deployments = Motivation and Pride! This includes wearing the sweatshirts, getting the bumper stickers, telling everyone you meet about the military, etc.
10. Deployments = Proof that our men are the best men alive.
There are other people out there who don't necessarily go out of their way to improve society, but are nonetheless grateful for those who do. For example, before I had children, I was a special event planner. I am sure that my job made the world a bit more interesting for a few moments, but it didn't actually HELP anyone or anything. However, I have ALWAYS been very aware of those amazing people who do--and I not only do I appreciate them, I try to go out of my way to tell them.
And finally, there are the third type of people. The ones who not only don't contribute, the don't even realize how good they have it in life. Sipping lattes and cursing at the nightly news does not a humanitarian make. What kind of person even has the TIME to sit on their ass and surf the web, find a blog about a family they've never met (and if I am very lucky--never will) and make rude and offensive comments? I think it is a person who feels quite guilty in the comfortable little sheltered life that they lead. Any reference that might indicate that someone else does MORE than they do embarrasses them, and so they are quick to go on the offensive, as was the anonymous commenter.
So, let me just say this. I have a friend that runs marathons to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. If she wore a Tshirt that said "Last week I raised $5,000 for cancer research--how are you helping?" What would be my response? First of all, I would say that anyone who runs a marathon needs to invest in a good car--but, other than that--I would say: Oh my gosh! That is so awesome! You are an amazing person to be willing to do something that difficult to contribute to a cause!
I'm not willing to run a marathon. Not for cancer research, not for free chocolate--not even if a bear was chasing me. I have no problem admitting that she can do something I can't, and that I might benefit from it. I am impressed, I am appreciative, and I would never be a rude, insensitive, whiny bitch about it (especially not an anonymous one).
So--to the anonymous poster--if you're feeling guilty, go volunteer at a shelter or build a house with habitat for humanity, or just teach a kid to ride a bike--but stay the hell away from my blog. You're not welcome here as I'm sure several of my Army sisters will attest to (and if you think the Tshirt slogans were rough--you can't IMAGINE what a bunch of military wives are like when we unite behind a common cause, and you can bet your ass every one of them will support me on this!)
Now--here's another cool military wife thing (and another thing that people outside the military will not even be able to understand--much less find funny). I got it from my friend D, who, along with her 1 year old daughter, is anxiously counting down the days until her husband's return from the big sandbox!
Deployments:
1. Deployments = sexual deprivation to the extreme. I'm surprised half those guys haven't gone psycho and castrated themselves to escape the pain. . .
2. Deployments = waiting by the phone 24/7. When they finally do call, it is the best 20 minutes of your life, and mostly consists of "I love you, I miss you, I love you, I miss you, I love you. . .
3. Deployments = expensive packages. Care packages are expensive.
4. Deployments = OH GOD!! I miss him! I miss him! I miss him! I miss him!
5. Deployments = Finding out who your true friends are, when all you talk about is him, and they still stick by your crazy ass!
6. Deployments = The best diet of your life! Half the time, you can't eat because you can't stop thinking of him, and whenever you get stressed, you exercise. . .someone should market the "military wife" diet!
7. Deployments = Pointless. They should just set all the military wives, girlfriends, and moms on any enemy. In 24 hours we would show them who's boss--just to get our men back!
8. Deployments = FOX News. Come on--admit it. You look for him every time it is on!
9. Deployments = Motivation and Pride! This includes wearing the sweatshirts, getting the bumper stickers, telling everyone you meet about the military, etc.
10. Deployments = Proof that our men are the best men alive.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Army Family TShirts
Thanks to an apparently very strong decongestant, I am awake at 11pm, when I normally go to bed by 9pm. I have cleaned my whole house from top to bottom, and even finished all the laundry. I have one thank you note left to write from Christmas, but I am letting that slide 'til tomorrow--so I have not much to do. I have been meaning to post this for a while, so I guess now's a good time!
I found a site with a bunch of great Tshirts and stuff for military family members. Here are some of my favorites:
Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom
Do not confuse your rank with my authority
She Married a Soldier--Proud Army Mother in Law
Army Wives--Holdin' Down the Fort Since 1775
My Dad is a real live GI Joe
Army Wife--Suckin' it up and drivin' on!
Warning--the man who loves me is well trained on his weapon and accurate up to 800 meters
Hug an Army Wife (or buy her liquor)
Army Wife--the hero at home
Army Wife--I put the ooooo in Hooah!
My Daddy is defending your freedom--what did you do today?
I'm my soldier's lucky charm
Some heroes wear capes. . .mine wears combat boots
You live in the land of the free because my soldier is brave
My husband is serving so you won't get drafted
Army wife--I legally mess with government property
Army wives are like diamonds--brilliant and tough
I'm the present my daddy gave my mommy when he was home for R&R
If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of one of them
I'm an official morale booster
Real men wear Kevlar
Freedom isn't free--ask the family of a soldier
Half of my heart is in Iraq--enjoy your freedom
I found a site with a bunch of great Tshirts and stuff for military family members. Here are some of my favorites:
Sexually Deprived for Your Freedom
Do not confuse your rank with my authority
She Married a Soldier--Proud Army Mother in Law
Army Wives--Holdin' Down the Fort Since 1775
My Dad is a real live GI Joe
Army Wife--Suckin' it up and drivin' on!
Warning--the man who loves me is well trained on his weapon and accurate up to 800 meters
Hug an Army Wife (or buy her liquor)
Army Wife--the hero at home
Army Wife--I put the ooooo in Hooah!
My Daddy is defending your freedom--what did you do today?
I'm my soldier's lucky charm
Some heroes wear capes. . .mine wears combat boots
You live in the land of the free because my soldier is brave
My husband is serving so you won't get drafted
Army wife--I legally mess with government property
Army wives are like diamonds--brilliant and tough
I'm the present my daddy gave my mommy when he was home for R&R
If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of one of them
I'm an official morale booster
Real men wear Kevlar
Freedom isn't free--ask the family of a soldier
Half of my heart is in Iraq--enjoy your freedom
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Added Elements
So, I am not very computer literate when it comes to designing this stuff. That's why blogspot works for me. I always did well at fill-in-the-blank. Anyway--I decided to try to add one of those things where you can click to other stuff. I added a few of my friends blogs. . .I named some of them what they are really named, and some of them what I feel about those people (I HAD to change some of them--so many people called them "Army wife" or whatever--I couldn't keep them straight!)
The Latest Craziness From Around Here
First. . .a random thought. . .would you agree that a person who lives 10.0 miles from the beach, and will only live there for 2 1/2 years, and has already completed 1 of those 2 1/2 years, should never EVER go an entire week without visiting the beach that is exactly 10.0 miles away? Particularly when that person will most likely NEVER live near the beach again--and it is her professed "dream location." That's what I think. I haven't been to the beach since before Christmas. Criminal.
Not to be left out, the little brothers got in on the paint--fortunately, I pursuaded them to forget about the spikes!
Now. . .here are some crazy things from around here. First, I don't know if this is a great photo for an advertisement for Christmas presents, or if it is just an excellent future blackmail photo, but either way--have you ever seen a cuter butt on a sit 'n' spin?
Next, let's talk about crazy hair day. Last year, N. was in afternoon kindergarten. They did not ever get the info about the various "spirit days" that went on at school, and never got to participate. At one point, N. heard something about "crazy hair day." He began planning right that minute. He thought about it and talked about it for a YEAR. And, here we are. Crazy hair day for first grade. Lovely, eh?
Not to be left out, the little brothers got in on the paint--fortunately, I pursuaded them to forget about the spikes!
Other than that, we continue with every day life in this beautiful place. It has been around 75 degrees every day lately. We are outside in shorts working in the yard and playing every afternoon. This weekend my mom is coming to visit and we are going on a whale watching cruise (I've been wanting to do that for about 9 years now. . .I got some tickets for Christmas!) We are also going to the early morning hours at the zoo to go around with the keepers while they feed the animals. . .we are all quite excited. Photos will follow!
Friday, January 05, 2007
My Love of Weight Watchers
At risk of sounding like a fanatic, I am going to explain what I love about Weight Watchers. I just LOVE this program. I strongly encourage ANYONE who wants/needs to lose some weight to go see for yourself how great it is. You can go to a meeting without joining. Stay, listen to the orientation at the end and see if it is for you. I'm telling you. You will not be sorry.
First of all, those commercials for other weight loss places drive me nuts. They say "I don't want to go to embarrassing meetings or get on a scale in front of a bunch of people." That doesn't happen. No one sees what you weigh, so how could the meetings be embarrassing? You don't weigh in "in front" of everyone. . .AND--those places that give you the food--how are you learning? When you are finished losing your weight, do you know anything about preparing healthy, low fat meals? Do you know how to measure your portions? No. You don't. You know nothing except how to put something in the microwave. At Weight Watchers, you lose weight at a healthy rate, so not only do you not gain it back right away, you LEARN in the process how to make LIFESTYLE CHANGES to keep the weight off for good. It just becomes a part of your brain. It totally works!!! It isn't a diet, or a eating plan, or anything of those other buzz words you hear from weight loss "experts." It is simply a way of life. If I, the girl who's only vegetables are iceberg lettuce, green beans, and carrots can learn, lose weight, and enjoy myself in the process, anyone can. So there.
Now. . .here's the real truth about Weight Watchers. I LOVE the meetings. I just figured out yesterday WHY I love them. I used to think it was because of the recipes and tips that I got. And I do like that. Every week I learn some new trick or some product someone found at Costco or a new recipe. That is great. I also like the motivation and inspiration of the fact that other people are on the same path as me. It is crazy how excited everyone gets for anyone who is getting an award for the night (you get an award for every 5 pounds and another award for some of the "bigger" milestones.) And, of course, I love the fact that I can eat anything that I want to. I DO NOT like diets that tell you what to eat and when. For one thing, I am a brat that doesn't like to be told what to do. For another thing, I don't like the majority of foods that are included in diets. All of those things make the Weight Watchers program work for me. But, here's what dawned on me last night.
I bet about 90% of Americans would say "Yes" if you asked them if they wanted to lose weight. But that is not the same as REALLY wanting to lose weight. Most people just want the Magic Fat Snatcher Fairy to come in while they sleep and take 20 pounds away from them. That is not helpful. The other people in my Weight Watchers meeting WANT to lose like I WANT to lose. They have the same frustration when they are stuck at the same weight. Their hearts break like mine does when they go up a pound or two. Whether someone needs to lose 13 pounds or 130 pounds, we are all trying really hard and focusing on the whole process. So, when I've had a bad week, I can go in there, and throw a fit and say "Dammit! I drank all the stupid water, exercised like a maniac all week, and I only lost 1/4 pound." And they get it.
People who have never struggled with weight loss (regardless of the amount) don't REALLY get that. They can be extremely supportive! My husband, for example, is the absolute POSTERBOY for supporting a Weight Watchers member. He finds creative recipes, he encourages me, he cheers me on, he never ever ever sabotages me, not even unintentionally. But, he's never had to lose weight. Sometimes, he weighs more than he wants to, so he just loses it. It is almost like he just wishes it was gone, and it is. That, obviously, is not the case. He does ridiculous amounts of PT every day, and he really likes vegetables, so he doesn't fill up on junk like I do. So, if he gets on the scale and he is up a pound, he says "I gained a pound." That's all he thinks about it. He doesn't freak out and want to throw himself out a window like I do. So, he doesn't really understand how I feel. He appreciates how I feel. He is sensitive to how I feel. But, he's never actually felt it. So, going into a room and talking with other people who have those same feelings gives me the motivation to stay on track for another 6 days. (Then I am definitely in need of another meeting!)
I have applied for a job there. Hopefully, they will hire me and I will be able to share my excitement with lots of folks--but if not--you're stuck with it, because you bothered to read to the bottom of this!! If you decide to go to WW, and you want some info, tips, tricks, or encouragement---let me know!!
First of all, those commercials for other weight loss places drive me nuts. They say "I don't want to go to embarrassing meetings or get on a scale in front of a bunch of people." That doesn't happen. No one sees what you weigh, so how could the meetings be embarrassing? You don't weigh in "in front" of everyone. . .AND--those places that give you the food--how are you learning? When you are finished losing your weight, do you know anything about preparing healthy, low fat meals? Do you know how to measure your portions? No. You don't. You know nothing except how to put something in the microwave. At Weight Watchers, you lose weight at a healthy rate, so not only do you not gain it back right away, you LEARN in the process how to make LIFESTYLE CHANGES to keep the weight off for good. It just becomes a part of your brain. It totally works!!! It isn't a diet, or a eating plan, or anything of those other buzz words you hear from weight loss "experts." It is simply a way of life. If I, the girl who's only vegetables are iceberg lettuce, green beans, and carrots can learn, lose weight, and enjoy myself in the process, anyone can. So there.
Now. . .here's the real truth about Weight Watchers. I LOVE the meetings. I just figured out yesterday WHY I love them. I used to think it was because of the recipes and tips that I got. And I do like that. Every week I learn some new trick or some product someone found at Costco or a new recipe. That is great. I also like the motivation and inspiration of the fact that other people are on the same path as me. It is crazy how excited everyone gets for anyone who is getting an award for the night (you get an award for every 5 pounds and another award for some of the "bigger" milestones.) And, of course, I love the fact that I can eat anything that I want to. I DO NOT like diets that tell you what to eat and when. For one thing, I am a brat that doesn't like to be told what to do. For another thing, I don't like the majority of foods that are included in diets. All of those things make the Weight Watchers program work for me. But, here's what dawned on me last night.
I bet about 90% of Americans would say "Yes" if you asked them if they wanted to lose weight. But that is not the same as REALLY wanting to lose weight. Most people just want the Magic Fat Snatcher Fairy to come in while they sleep and take 20 pounds away from them. That is not helpful. The other people in my Weight Watchers meeting WANT to lose like I WANT to lose. They have the same frustration when they are stuck at the same weight. Their hearts break like mine does when they go up a pound or two. Whether someone needs to lose 13 pounds or 130 pounds, we are all trying really hard and focusing on the whole process. So, when I've had a bad week, I can go in there, and throw a fit and say "Dammit! I drank all the stupid water, exercised like a maniac all week, and I only lost 1/4 pound." And they get it.
People who have never struggled with weight loss (regardless of the amount) don't REALLY get that. They can be extremely supportive! My husband, for example, is the absolute POSTERBOY for supporting a Weight Watchers member. He finds creative recipes, he encourages me, he cheers me on, he never ever ever sabotages me, not even unintentionally. But, he's never had to lose weight. Sometimes, he weighs more than he wants to, so he just loses it. It is almost like he just wishes it was gone, and it is. That, obviously, is not the case. He does ridiculous amounts of PT every day, and he really likes vegetables, so he doesn't fill up on junk like I do. So, if he gets on the scale and he is up a pound, he says "I gained a pound." That's all he thinks about it. He doesn't freak out and want to throw himself out a window like I do. So, he doesn't really understand how I feel. He appreciates how I feel. He is sensitive to how I feel. But, he's never actually felt it. So, going into a room and talking with other people who have those same feelings gives me the motivation to stay on track for another 6 days. (Then I am definitely in need of another meeting!)
I have applied for a job there. Hopefully, they will hire me and I will be able to share my excitement with lots of folks--but if not--you're stuck with it, because you bothered to read to the bottom of this!! If you decide to go to WW, and you want some info, tips, tricks, or encouragement---let me know!!
GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
No. . .not soccer!! ME!!! Last night, at Weight Watchers, I made it back to my goal weight. This time, I am going to try to lose a little more, because I am not the same size in clothes the last time I weighed this. . .but--I don't have to pay for meetings anymore! I have lost 61 pounds! I will take a better picture later--this is me on the way to the gym. . .no makeup, hair back, and wearing glasses because I am having surgery on my eyes soon! All kinds of good stuff happening to me!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Christmas
And a good time was had by all! What a great holiday. It was so relaxing compared to last year. Last year we were "homeless" in between Germany and California. It was nice because we got to spend some time with family, but hard because we had so much to do in such a small time, plus so many presents to cart around!
This year, we couldn't afford to go home. Turns out that was probably a good thing, because due to the blizzard in Denver, we probably wouldn't have gotten to go anyway! We stayed here and the kids had a great time. We visited with friends, went to church, and opened lots of presents. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa dutifully came through with all the gifts that we didn't manage to (or refused to supply) get for the kids. They were all extremely excited. At one point, R. was opening some stuff and was so excited about it, his voice got so high that I have NO IDEA what he was saying!
Anyway--they got lots of stuff to play with outside, and a few indoor things. N. is getting old enough now that he has some "technical" stuff--IDog, speakers for the IPod, games for the gameboy, etc. We must be transitioning into a new phase of childhood, because I don't really know where to put everything. Even though we took about 3 LARGE moving boxes worth of stuff out of the various toy boxes. We'll figure it out eventually. Probably when the kids go back to school and I get ONE MOMENT'S PEACE around here!!
Anyway--here are a few photos of Christmas at our house (note that the things surrounding the kids are all the gifts--not just the stuff from us and Santa--it is important to the kids that I be SURE the family all knows that they know EXACTLY who sent them all of their "awesomely awesome presents"):
This year, we couldn't afford to go home. Turns out that was probably a good thing, because due to the blizzard in Denver, we probably wouldn't have gotten to go anyway! We stayed here and the kids had a great time. We visited with friends, went to church, and opened lots of presents. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and Santa dutifully came through with all the gifts that we didn't manage to (or refused to supply) get for the kids. They were all extremely excited. At one point, R. was opening some stuff and was so excited about it, his voice got so high that I have NO IDEA what he was saying!
Anyway--they got lots of stuff to play with outside, and a few indoor things. N. is getting old enough now that he has some "technical" stuff--IDog, speakers for the IPod, games for the gameboy, etc. We must be transitioning into a new phase of childhood, because I don't really know where to put everything. Even though we took about 3 LARGE moving boxes worth of stuff out of the various toy boxes. We'll figure it out eventually. Probably when the kids go back to school and I get ONE MOMENT'S PEACE around here!!
Anyway--here are a few photos of Christmas at our house (note that the things surrounding the kids are all the gifts--not just the stuff from us and Santa--it is important to the kids that I be SURE the family all knows that they know EXACTLY who sent them all of their "awesomely awesome presents"):
Vulnerability
It's funny that I originally started this blog basically to show pictures of the kids to friends and family who don't live close to us. But, once in a while, it becomes some kind of therapy session for me. I really planned for it only to be about the kids, pictures, stories about things that happen to them, etc. But, sometimes, I feel this need to write something about me. I have always had a need to put words down on paper. I make lists, I write poems, I write stories, but for some reason, I hate keeping a journal. It just doesn't work for me. I guess I feel bad when I go a long time without writing something down, and then feel like I need to write down all the "background" to go along with the story. Maybe that's why the blog is better. I can just write what I am thinking, get it out, and forget it--instead of thinking that I have to explain myself in case my kids (or their therapists!) ever read it.
Anyway--I have been doing a lot of "mental" work on myself since we got here. Part of it is due to the Weight Watchers process--I really want to change my entire self, so that I won't go back to former habits when I get to my goal weight. And, I guess that has carried over to the rest of my brain. Also, since this is a very low key assignment for us, I don't have the constant mental strain of deployments, possible deployments, cancelled deployments, comparing deployments, etc--so maybe my brain has time to work on itself now. Thirdly, right before we left Europe (and the reason we left, actually) I was so VERY VERY hurt by the way we (directly, S., and therefore indirectly, me) were treated, that I still have not gotten past it. I think it has been the biggest event in our entire marriage, career, and adulthood actually, since the first two have completely encompassed the third.
So--here's something I've been thinking about. Vulnerability. I do not like it. In fact, I don't allow it in myself. I would not say that I consider it a weakness, because that would imply that I don't approve of it in others, which is not the case. Quite the opposite. I envy it in other people. I, for some reason or many reasons, just seem to have forbidden myself from ever APPEARING vulnerable. I say appearing, because the fact is, that I feel SO VERY vulnerable all the time. So, what am I doing? Putting on a charade all the time? I don't know. I don't feel like that, but perhaps.
Vulnerability seems to include two "branches" for me. Embarrassment and need. I hate both. I hate embarassment for myself and anyone else. I get "embarrassed for other people" a lot. I hate april fool's day, practical jokes, food in my teeth, etc. As for need--I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to be new at anything, because it implies that I need someone to show me something or answer a question or give me directions or whatever. I am great at being the "welcoming committee" for other people, though! I love helping people who are new. I actually have a test for myself. I know that I actual feel at home somewhere the first time someone asks me for directions, and I am able to give them to them!
What is the point of this? The point is that once in a while, I would like to be able to lean on someone else. Really take comfort in someone else's presence, and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. Also, there are times when I really am vulnerable, and need someone or something and no one realizes it. The best example I can think of is having babies. S. is so accustomed to me handling everything on my own, it just never occurred to him to give me instruction, encouragment, etc. He basically just waited until I told him what I wanted or needed, and did that. I'm not downplaying his contribution--doing that was great. I just wish I had had someone to say "Look in my eyes. Do what I say. Breathe when I tell you to." etc.
I think the obvious reason that a therapist would give you would be that I am the oldest child from divorced parents. I didn't like my first stepmother and she didn't like me, and I spent a lot of time protecting myself and my brother from her. Also, I was not allowed to cry when we came home from visiting. I literally got in trouble if my face was red or my eyes were swollen. So--I think I learned early to constantly be on the lookout for upcoming trouble. Head it off, divert it, or find a way to completely destroy it. The result of that is that there is always some enemy in my life. It takes a lot of energy.
Usually, during this "brain work" phase of my life, I am able to realize something like this about myself and it is gone. I don't have to "work" on it or whatever. It's like the realization of it destroys its power over me, and it is just gone. (That is also a pattern in my life--problem is that I can't just LISTEN and learn. I have to experience it myself. Self help books, therapy sessions, marriage workshops, etc. are all a waste of time for me, unless they spark some "self analysis." Wastes a lot of time. . .)
For some reason, this won't go away. I don't know why. I don't even know what the "measure" of it going away would be. I am not really in any situation where I am vulnerable, so how do I know. I think because the "enemies" are still there, taking up my energy, time, and thoughts. And, because the catalysts still make me angry. Or sad. Depends on the mood.
Maybe the fact that I was so small when it first started made it sort of an instinct in me. Maybe it isn't something that I even CAN change. I think the thing that makes me the most upset is the sense of powerlessness. For example, when we left Europe (I will give more details on that in a minute so it will make more sense.) So MANY things went into the fact that I was so hurt. But the people involved didn't know HALF of the details. And yet, they made their decisions, and formed their opinions, and broke my heart in the process. I can't let it go. I so badly want to MAKE them listen to all that was involved. And force them to understand what they did to me. I know they don't like me after all of that. That is fine--I don't need them to like me. I have plenty of friends. In fact, that specific situation spelled out VERY CLEARLY who my REAL friends were. I don't need them to like me, I just want them to know what they did to me.
THE REMAINDER OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ADVISED THAT IT COULD BE OFFENSIVE OR HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS, OR HEAVEN FORBID, MAKE THINGS WORSE WITH THOSE IT WAS ABOUT. I HAVE SAVED IT, HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF FURTHERING THE "BRAIN WORK."
Anyway--I have been doing a lot of "mental" work on myself since we got here. Part of it is due to the Weight Watchers process--I really want to change my entire self, so that I won't go back to former habits when I get to my goal weight. And, I guess that has carried over to the rest of my brain. Also, since this is a very low key assignment for us, I don't have the constant mental strain of deployments, possible deployments, cancelled deployments, comparing deployments, etc--so maybe my brain has time to work on itself now. Thirdly, right before we left Europe (and the reason we left, actually) I was so VERY VERY hurt by the way we (directly, S., and therefore indirectly, me) were treated, that I still have not gotten past it. I think it has been the biggest event in our entire marriage, career, and adulthood actually, since the first two have completely encompassed the third.
So--here's something I've been thinking about. Vulnerability. I do not like it. In fact, I don't allow it in myself. I would not say that I consider it a weakness, because that would imply that I don't approve of it in others, which is not the case. Quite the opposite. I envy it in other people. I, for some reason or many reasons, just seem to have forbidden myself from ever APPEARING vulnerable. I say appearing, because the fact is, that I feel SO VERY vulnerable all the time. So, what am I doing? Putting on a charade all the time? I don't know. I don't feel like that, but perhaps.
Vulnerability seems to include two "branches" for me. Embarrassment and need. I hate both. I hate embarassment for myself and anyone else. I get "embarrassed for other people" a lot. I hate april fool's day, practical jokes, food in my teeth, etc. As for need--I don't like to ask for help. I don't like to be new at anything, because it implies that I need someone to show me something or answer a question or give me directions or whatever. I am great at being the "welcoming committee" for other people, though! I love helping people who are new. I actually have a test for myself. I know that I actual feel at home somewhere the first time someone asks me for directions, and I am able to give them to them!
What is the point of this? The point is that once in a while, I would like to be able to lean on someone else. Really take comfort in someone else's presence, and not feel guilty or ashamed about it. Also, there are times when I really am vulnerable, and need someone or something and no one realizes it. The best example I can think of is having babies. S. is so accustomed to me handling everything on my own, it just never occurred to him to give me instruction, encouragment, etc. He basically just waited until I told him what I wanted or needed, and did that. I'm not downplaying his contribution--doing that was great. I just wish I had had someone to say "Look in my eyes. Do what I say. Breathe when I tell you to." etc.
I think the obvious reason that a therapist would give you would be that I am the oldest child from divorced parents. I didn't like my first stepmother and she didn't like me, and I spent a lot of time protecting myself and my brother from her. Also, I was not allowed to cry when we came home from visiting. I literally got in trouble if my face was red or my eyes were swollen. So--I think I learned early to constantly be on the lookout for upcoming trouble. Head it off, divert it, or find a way to completely destroy it. The result of that is that there is always some enemy in my life. It takes a lot of energy.
Usually, during this "brain work" phase of my life, I am able to realize something like this about myself and it is gone. I don't have to "work" on it or whatever. It's like the realization of it destroys its power over me, and it is just gone. (That is also a pattern in my life--problem is that I can't just LISTEN and learn. I have to experience it myself. Self help books, therapy sessions, marriage workshops, etc. are all a waste of time for me, unless they spark some "self analysis." Wastes a lot of time. . .)
For some reason, this won't go away. I don't know why. I don't even know what the "measure" of it going away would be. I am not really in any situation where I am vulnerable, so how do I know. I think because the "enemies" are still there, taking up my energy, time, and thoughts. And, because the catalysts still make me angry. Or sad. Depends on the mood.
Maybe the fact that I was so small when it first started made it sort of an instinct in me. Maybe it isn't something that I even CAN change. I think the thing that makes me the most upset is the sense of powerlessness. For example, when we left Europe (I will give more details on that in a minute so it will make more sense.) So MANY things went into the fact that I was so hurt. But the people involved didn't know HALF of the details. And yet, they made their decisions, and formed their opinions, and broke my heart in the process. I can't let it go. I so badly want to MAKE them listen to all that was involved. And force them to understand what they did to me. I know they don't like me after all of that. That is fine--I don't need them to like me. I have plenty of friends. In fact, that specific situation spelled out VERY CLEARLY who my REAL friends were. I don't need them to like me, I just want them to know what they did to me.
THE REMAINDER OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ADVISED THAT IT COULD BE OFFENSIVE OR HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS, OR HEAVEN FORBID, MAKE THINGS WORSE WITH THOSE IT WAS ABOUT. I HAVE SAVED IT, HOWEVER, IN THE INTEREST OF FURTHERING THE "BRAIN WORK."
Friday, December 22, 2006
Catch Up
Let's see. . .what's been going on since Thanksgiving? Tons of stuff! We finished the soccer season. They got a third place medal in the final tournament. That was pretty fun. It was cool to be the mom now that he is to the age where they are really PLAYING. They understand the basic concepts and put them to use, without the coach telling them each step. It is just so cool. N. loves being goalie. Every time the other team gets to take a penalty kick, I just about have a heart attack, but he is awesome. It scares the heck out of me to watch him with several players around him and just jump on the ball--but the feet coming at his mouth apparently don't worry him! He can kick the ball from the edge of the box almost to the mid field line. Not a regulation size field, but still. . .he is amazing!
Both kids had Christmas parties in their classes at school. I didn't attend either. It just isn't fun dragging the littlest one to a party where he can't eat the cookies and didn't get a gift! We did go on N's walking field trip to Christmas card lane. . .more on that later.
We had a great time putting up decorations in the house, but we don't have any outside. I guess living in Germany for 5 Christmases, we never got any 110 volt outdoor lights. The frugal part of me is adamant that we wait until the after Christmas sales to get some! J. loves the tree. He is totally fascinated. The other two never got really excited, but he is just enamored. Every morning he said "on on on!!" and "Kissmas!" He thinks the tree is called Kissmas. Or maybe the lights, because he says it about the garland on the stairs too. Who knows. . .Anyway--he likes having them plugged in.
We have stacked all of the presents on top of the entertainment center, for fear that he would unwrap them all if we stopped watching him for 3 seconds. (His nickname bestowed by my brother is "Taz" after all. . .and for good reason--it is a very accurate description!)
N. sang in the Children's Choir at church. That was really fun too. At one service he was in the very middle of the very front row. Fortunately, that is when I took pictures! He did great. Knew every word and was really enthusiastic!
Both kids had Christmas parties in their classes at school. I didn't attend either. It just isn't fun dragging the littlest one to a party where he can't eat the cookies and didn't get a gift! We did go on N's walking field trip to Christmas card lane. . .more on that later.
We had a great time putting up decorations in the house, but we don't have any outside. I guess living in Germany for 5 Christmases, we never got any 110 volt outdoor lights. The frugal part of me is adamant that we wait until the after Christmas sales to get some! J. loves the tree. He is totally fascinated. The other two never got really excited, but he is just enamored. Every morning he said "on on on!!" and "Kissmas!" He thinks the tree is called Kissmas. Or maybe the lights, because he says it about the garland on the stairs too. Who knows. . .Anyway--he likes having them plugged in.
We have stacked all of the presents on top of the entertainment center, for fear that he would unwrap them all if we stopped watching him for 3 seconds. (His nickname bestowed by my brother is "Taz" after all. . .and for good reason--it is a very accurate description!)
N. sang in the Children's Choir at church. That was really fun too. At one service he was in the very middle of the very front row. Fortunately, that is when I took pictures! He did great. Knew every word and was really enthusiastic!
We also had a great time making our Christmas card. . .if you didn't get one, it MUST be because I don't have your address--because I was really excited to send them this year! The Caption said "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from OUR version of a winter wonderland!" 
We made Christmas cookies. . .still being on Weight Watchers, and desperate to make it to my goal weight by the end of the year. . .I had a hard time not eating them. So, I told the kids we would make them as gifts for the neighbors. We put them on plates and delivered them as soon as they were finished decorating to get the temptation out of the house as quickly as possible! 
S. and I went to the bowl game. That was a lot of fun. They did not sell a lot of tickets, but they were two small schools that are very far from here. We won, so that made it even more fun. We went to a tailgate that the school put on before the game--we didn't see anyone we know, and the food was WAY too expensive for what you got. But, we had a good time anyway. There were free Tshirts on the seats when we got into the stadium so we got some for the kids. Afterwards, we went out to dinner with some friends that live here that went to the game. 
Christmas Card Lane. . .about 2 1/2 blocks from here is a neighborhood called Christmas Card Lane. It started about 30 years ago, when a woman who was a great artist who lived there made a GIANT Christmas card out of plywood and put it in her yard as decoration. Keep in mind that was before the days of all kinds of store bought yard decor. She made several for her neighbors, and they all put them up. Each year, several more neighbors joined in. Now, it is 5 streets (think figure 8 layout) and it is amazing! These people go all out!
People come from EVERYWHERE to drive through. The trolley car company from downtown sends a car up here and charges to drive you around. Several horse drawn wagons do the same. Apparently, when you buy a house there, they have to disclose it in the purchase agreement because the month of December is SO crowded in the neighborhood! The good news is, the house usually comes with the card that the seller's used! We are lucky enough to have several friends who live over there.
Every weekend (Friday and Saturday nights) they have "barbeques" in their yards and watch the people go by. Keep in mind, this is different from a Texas barbeque--here it just means eating outside--like our version of a picnic. Anyway--there are fire pits (because it may get less than 55 degrees!!) and lawn chairs, and it is a lot of fun. We have gone over there a lot. Once was for an "official" party, and the rest of the time just to hang out. I didn't realize that I was feeling "homesick" for my Army family until we went. It was so similar to the way we all got together and sat in the yard, ate dinner, and watched the kids play that it brought tears to my eyes. It did make me feel part of a "community" though, so that was nice. I haven't really felt that since we got here!
Our friends, the M. family, have a MAJOR train collection. He works for a toy train company, and she has collected the cars since before she met him (meant to be, huh?) Every year they put out a display, but this year they made it a permanent part of their yard. Actually, they made it their permanent yard--not a part of it--it takes up the whole front grass! It has 3 tracks, buildings, a fountain, everything! The kids love to go over there because they get to work the controls of the trains. They also get to play with lots of kids, because everyone stops for a while when they get to the M. house, so the boys see lots of friends! (here will be a pic of D's train and some of Xmas card ln)
We do not have major plans for Christmas. Fortunately, we are not traveling. We had already made that decision, based on finances, and the craziness of last year's season (moving, traveling, etc.) but, boy, am I glad now. The airports are NUTS because of the blizzard in Colorado! We are just going to take it easy, hang out with each other, and enjoy being still! Our neighborhood has a pot luck on Christmas eve, and then they go caroling, so we will probably join in on that. We have been invited by friends of friends to come to their house on Christmas day for lunch. I was thinking I just wanted it to be our family for the day, but although that sounds like a great idea, we tend to start fighting amongst ourselves when trapped in the house all day, so we are going to the F's house. They have horses, so that should be fun. Afterward, we will probably go play with the trains! On the 23rd, we are going to cook out at the C family's house. It is supposed to be 69 degrees, and they are going to heat their pool so we will probably swim--I love it here! It has been cold and wet (in the 40s!!) but it should be beautiful and 65 by this afternoon!
The boys in the PJs that Aunt S and Uncle G sent!
The only bad news we have these days is about N's mouth! Apparently, we are going to make very good friends with all of the mouth care professionals in the city. R's surgery went well in Sept, and now we are on to N. His teeth hit directly on top of each other, or maybe a slight underbite. Because of that, every bite he takes causes "trauma" to his lower jawbone. It has caused the gums to pull away from his new permanent tooth on the bottom, so the roots don't have any support holding the tooth in. 
We have to see an orthodonist next week. Bad news is, our dental insurance ain't great--and the orthodontic coverage is particularly pitiful. It is likely that he will either need braces or a gum graft (yuk). He will likely need braces again later (when his "lifetime total coverage" has long been used up) J. also has a MAJOR underbite. He will need braces to correct it in a few years. So--it looks like all 3 boys will need braces by age 8, and the older two will both need them again as teenagers! I am thinking we need to get back to Europe--at least the dental care was free!
Pictures. . .finally!
I have not posted in a while, because I have been so irritated at the fact that I couldn't get the photos to post. . .today they are going up really fast! I don't know why, but maybe it was worth the wait! Anyway. . .lots of craziness going on around here, of course, due to the time of year. More soon. . .
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
This Sucks!
I cannot get pictures to post. I have tried everything. I've done it in regular compose and edit HTml. I've copied from other sources and typed straight in. I've tried one picture at a time and lots at a time. I give up.
Thanksgiving Week
The kids had the whole week off of school last week. We were supposed to go to WA to visit the McFamily, but the space A flights didn't work out. I was very sad, because I was really looking forward to some girl chat time, and have been homesick for them for a long time. We will try again soon I hope (although we may wait until the weather is nicer there!)
We went to the C family's house for Thanksgiving. It was a "traditional" Texas/Southern thanksgiving, meaning every dish is a casserole! I did a good job of not eating 14 helpings of everything in the house! After dinner, the kids swam and S. and I did the dishes. That was my entire contribution to the day (nice, huh? What do you expect of an Army wife who has spent the last 10 Thanksgivings in a mess hall?)
It was actually very relaxing. Usually on holidays we are trying to visit all the family, travel, get presents bought, etc. The craziness at the airports and on the roads make it miserable. And, last year we were in the process of moving, so we really didn't enjoy the entire Thanksgiving to Christmas time. It was nice to just relax and hang out!
On Monday, we got the kids flu shots!! That was lots of fun. They actually did very well. I prepared them ahead of time, and they hardly made a peep. N. was determined that he go first, then he backed out at the last minute. That was fine, because R. WANTED to get his shot. He went first, and didn't cry, so N. did ok. J. was really mad, but mostly because I put him down and then held his arms. I think if I could have held him it would have been better. Either way, he was fine in two seconds.
What else happened that week??? I went to see a plastic surgeon about my nose. He said it would probably do me a lot of good to have surgery on it again. He thinks it would really help my breathing/sleeping/headaches. He has been doing this for 28 years, and specializes in facial reconstruction. That makes me feel a little more confident. He said that he does not use general anesthesia, only IV sedation. I guess that is a good thing. Anyway--he said that the reason it hurt SO BAD last time, was that the surgeon probably didn't trim the splints. They should not have been pushing on the back of my throat. He said he makes sure they don't touch, so that it shouldn't hurt like strep throat again. I'm still not sure I'm willing to do it. That surgery was worse than childbirth--and I never had an epidural!!
N. is still playing soccer. Only two more weeks. They play a long time here, because the weather is so good. I told him he could choose his own haircut after the family pictures. He said he wants a flat top, but then he said he didn't actually know what a flat top was. Now he says he wants it to look like a teenager that we know. I am fine with that, because it is basically the same cut he has now, without the bottom being shaved. Basically a Beattles haircut. You would think that would bother me, but it doesn't. I'm not sure how S. feels about it. . .
N. is in the children's choir at church. He tried out for a speaking part, but she said that she gave them all to 5th graders. He was sad when I told him he didn't get a part and he asked why she even let the little kids try out if she wasn't going to give any of them a part. Good question. I may ask her that next time I see her, instead of punching her in the mouth, which is what I wanted to do! N. also said her show would be better if she included all ages. The audience would like it because they think little kids are cute. Smart boy. . .
R. still loves school. He wishes he could go more days, but they only allow 3 year olds to go 2 days. He made this at school. I love things that show their size. Those are pretty much the only things I keep!
J. is still the same crazy kid. Afraid of nothing. Jumps off of the back of the couch with nothing to land on. He is starting to talk a lot more. He still has that deep, raspy voice. It is pretty cute. His newest thing is to say "bless you" when someone sneezes. It kind of sounds like "tissue" which actually may be what he is saying. Either way, it is sweet.
The Horned Frogs are coming to SD to play in the Poinsettia Bowl. We are pretty excited! We are going to the game. Not sure how many people will be there, since it is on a Tuesday, but we will definitely be there!
Not much else is happening here. Just trying to stay in the swing of working out, and not fall too far off the wagon and eat a bunch of holiday treats! Other than that--just getting ready for Christmas--deocrating, shopping, etc. That's about it!
We went to the C family's house for Thanksgiving. It was a "traditional" Texas/Southern thanksgiving, meaning every dish is a casserole! I did a good job of not eating 14 helpings of everything in the house! After dinner, the kids swam and S. and I did the dishes. That was my entire contribution to the day (nice, huh? What do you expect of an Army wife who has spent the last 10 Thanksgivings in a mess hall?)
It was actually very relaxing. Usually on holidays we are trying to visit all the family, travel, get presents bought, etc. The craziness at the airports and on the roads make it miserable. And, last year we were in the process of moving, so we really didn't enjoy the entire Thanksgiving to Christmas time. It was nice to just relax and hang out!
On Monday, we got the kids flu shots!! That was lots of fun. They actually did very well. I prepared them ahead of time, and they hardly made a peep. N. was determined that he go first, then he backed out at the last minute. That was fine, because R. WANTED to get his shot. He went first, and didn't cry, so N. did ok. J. was really mad, but mostly because I put him down and then held his arms. I think if I could have held him it would have been better. Either way, he was fine in two seconds.
What else happened that week??? I went to see a plastic surgeon about my nose. He said it would probably do me a lot of good to have surgery on it again. He thinks it would really help my breathing/sleeping/headaches. He has been doing this for 28 years, and specializes in facial reconstruction. That makes me feel a little more confident. He said that he does not use general anesthesia, only IV sedation. I guess that is a good thing. Anyway--he said that the reason it hurt SO BAD last time, was that the surgeon probably didn't trim the splints. They should not have been pushing on the back of my throat. He said he makes sure they don't touch, so that it shouldn't hurt like strep throat again. I'm still not sure I'm willing to do it. That surgery was worse than childbirth--and I never had an epidural!!
N. is still playing soccer. Only two more weeks. They play a long time here, because the weather is so good. I told him he could choose his own haircut after the family pictures. He said he wants a flat top, but then he said he didn't actually know what a flat top was. Now he says he wants it to look like a teenager that we know. I am fine with that, because it is basically the same cut he has now, without the bottom being shaved. Basically a Beattles haircut. You would think that would bother me, but it doesn't. I'm not sure how S. feels about it. . .
N. is in the children's choir at church. He tried out for a speaking part, but she said that she gave them all to 5th graders. He was sad when I told him he didn't get a part and he asked why she even let the little kids try out if she wasn't going to give any of them a part. Good question. I may ask her that next time I see her, instead of punching her in the mouth, which is what I wanted to do! N. also said her show would be better if she included all ages. The audience would like it because they think little kids are cute. Smart boy. . .
R. still loves school. He wishes he could go more days, but they only allow 3 year olds to go 2 days. He made this at school. I love things that show their size. Those are pretty much the only things I keep!
J. is still the same crazy kid. Afraid of nothing. Jumps off of the back of the couch with nothing to land on. He is starting to talk a lot more. He still has that deep, raspy voice. It is pretty cute. His newest thing is to say "bless you" when someone sneezes. It kind of sounds like "tissue" which actually may be what he is saying. Either way, it is sweet.
The Horned Frogs are coming to SD to play in the Poinsettia Bowl. We are pretty excited! We are going to the game. Not sure how many people will be there, since it is on a Tuesday, but we will definitely be there!
Not much else is happening here. Just trying to stay in the swing of working out, and not fall too far off the wagon and eat a bunch of holiday treats! Other than that--just getting ready for Christmas--deocrating, shopping, etc. That's about it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
