Nobody Loves Me

I am starting to feel very far away from my Army home. Six months ago, I was definitely not ready to go back. I am still enjoying this restful time, and I am EVER MINDFUL of the enormous blessing we have in this non deployable, low stress, time to build relationships with the children job that "we" have. But, I am feeling the twinges of homesickness.

It will be outrageously difficult to leave here. We have made friends. The kids go to a great school. It is eternally beautiful here. The beach is 10 miles from my house. It is 75 degrees year round. And yet. . .the Army isn't here. The navy is. The marines are. But, they are not my home. I am sure that they have their own sisterhood. It just isn't as good as mine. (kidding. . .not really.)

I feel the connection slipping away. The busyness of every day life--sports practices, grocery shopping, etc. takes away the time from being able to keep in touch. I miss everyone a lot. It is funny how when you first move from somewhere, you keep in touch with lots of people. As time passes, it gradually dwindles to occasional forwarded emails, then just a Christmas card, then nothing. There are 2 or 3 from each place that we stay connected to. And yet, all together, they form "home." We always say we don't have a home. Military kids say "I'm from nowhere." Or, "I'm from everywhere." I guess our home is just not a place. It is people. It definitely is bigger than we are.

I was thinking the other day about WHY I love the "sisterhood" of the Army so much. Part of it, for me, is that I am very social and extroverted. I like to have people to talk to. There is a built in community in the Army. Lots of us are stay home moms, and we bond. But, aside from that, the "sisterhood" is bigger than just sisters. We have built in moms, big sisters, little sisters, "twin" sisters, and even the ocassional grandmother or daughter. I like it. I like that within one little army post I have people who have been where I am now, and are on to the next stage, people who are in my stage with me, and people who will follow me. Ask advice, share advice, give advice.

Civilian communities just don't have that. If they are lucky, they live near family, but that is rare, even in the civilian world these days. I love my tribe.

On a totally different note, I love the fact that the Army makes me and my kids color blind. (Two of my kids actually ARE color blind, but that isn't my point right now!) The other day, we were babysitting and we were watching a movie. One of the kids watching the movie with us was african-american. We were talking about one of the kids on the show, and he asked N. "Do you mean the brown boy?" N. said "I don't know what color he is. He's the short funny one." I love that. It isn't that he wasn't paying attention. He knew the kid was short and funny. He just didn't know the race. It has never occurred to him that it was important.

Not that we don't have our distinctions in the army--goodness knows the battle between the branches, or MOSs, will always rage. And, now that Uncle G is back in his green beret, we have that to harass each other about. I suppose that the "rank thing" is there as well, but we have been blessed enough to never encounter it as a troublesome issue. But, basically, it seems to me that race is about at the bottom of the list of important characteristics among soldiers, or at least their families. I always say during deployments that it really doesn't matter what rank our husbands are--they are all gone, and we are all still here! I guess it is the same thing. They all carry guns, go to very unsafe places, and stay there a long time. I couldn't care less what color someone's skin is. I just want to know if she is bringing dessert or salad to the next potluck and which one of us is watching the other's kids on what days!

Just to give you a little example of my own thought processes: The other day I was talking to a friend about last names. I mentioned a soldier who had a name similar to one she had in her family somewhere in the past. She asked what country his family was from, and I didn't know. She asked what ethnicity he was and I said "I can't remember. Either armor or infantry." I'm not kidding. She looked at me like I was nuts, and I couldn't figure out why she was confused. It's not that I don't know the meaning of the word "ethnicity." Apparently, it's just that my first thought as far as describing someone goes to their branch! Crazy!!

So, it is Sunday. . .my traditional day of tears and rambling to hold them off. With all that said, I will stop now. Just know that if my Army sisters (and moms and daughters) are reading this. . .I miss you--call or write or visit any time. I know I will miss this place when we are gone from here--but today, I am wishing for my front yard and the wine table on Rose Barracks where the rest of the "family" would walk by, stop by and chat, and plan what comes next.

Strange Thought

I rarely buy things on credit. If I "need" something, I save the money and then buy it. When I say "I," I mean "we" because I pretty much decide where we spend our money on expensive purchases. That's not to say that S. and I don't discuss it--we do. It is just usually that he thinks of some fun thing we "should have" and I think about it for a while, ask him questions about what "gadgets" the thing must have, do the research, and then settle on the best one for us. So, anyway. I don't like to buy things on credit. That doesn't include cars, because, really--I'll never have the cash to buy a car. But, other than that--we try to pay the credit card off at the end of every month, so it is really for convenience. That hasn't worked out really well since we came to SD, but we try. We had to buy furniture and appliances on credit when we arrived, and we're still working on that. But, never ever ever would I put something like a stereo, clothes, or even new sheets (which I REALLY WANT) on credit.

Anyway--there is a camera that I would really like to have. My friend, Donna, has one. She took the pictures of N. that are a couple of posts below. I want that camera. I think it is similar to the ones the Mcs have---maybe the same camera. Anyway--Donna used to work for Canon and really loves the camera. She has a 70-300mm lens on it, and it just takes BEAUTIFUL shots of the kids playing sports. My little point and shoot just makes them so far away, that you can't see how amazing they are.

So, the question is, should I buy this camera? I have found the absolute most inexpensive place to buy it (Costco--or the Nikon version on sale at the MCX). I actually have a few hundred dollars of Wheel of Fortune money not yet accounted for that we could use to buy it. But, for now, it would be on credit. I'm having trouble deciding. But, if I miss one more amazing shot at the soccer games, I'm going to go crazy. I think that tomorrow I will use my 2 hours of free time (woo hoo--every Friday--two whole hours!! Isn't that the COOLEST thing??) to go buy it. I hope the MasterCard doesn't explode in my hands. . .look for some good soccer action shots next week!!

Boys Will be Boys

N. at the skate park!!

R. on the soccer field!

J. at gymnastics! Also known as ( 'nasticks! Or "my school with the bars." )

Soccer Photos

I know my last post only talked about what a great GOALIE he is, but N. is actually quite competent all over the soccer field. He is much more comfortable on offense than he was last year. He's not so timid. Anyway--here are some shots of him. Unfortunately, no one captured the "beautiful play," but you can see him stopping another one. . .

Soccer

The boys are really having a good time playing soccer. R, is of course, still um, new. He is younger than all the kids on his team, and even they don't pay a lot of attention. So, you can imagine how he tends to "drift." He likes it though, and seems to have no idea when the ball (and ALL of the other players) go right past him. His teammates are nice and so are their parents. S. only gets slightly frustrated when they are chasing each other or playing airplane instead of playing the actual game. . .

But then their is N. Remember in baseball when I said I still hadn't gotten used to the fact that he actually KNOWS what he is doing? I keep thinking he gets a hit or catches a ball or whatever out of luck. Toward the end of baseball season I kind of started getting used to the fact that he knew what he was doing. Well, now that is happening with soccer.

This child is good. I know, I know. I said this about baseball. But you have to understand how amazing the kid is. He is an outstanding goalie. This past weekend (keeping in mind that he had surgery on his MOUTH only 4 days before) he was just amazing. He was one on one with an offensive player several times and took a ball straight in the stomach that he should NOT have been able to catch. At one point, he made such a great stop that I was jumping up and down, and a water bottle flew out of my hand. It hit my friend's son in the head. He's 12, so it didn't really bother him, but I still had to establish a new rule of not holding anything in my hands while N plays!

Here's the coolest thing. I SO wish I had a video camera! A ball was coming from the side cross to the goal. There was no way N. could catch it. He jumped--at an angle--and stuck his arm out and punched the ball with his fist and deflected it up over the goal. It was truly beyond words to describe. S. (who is coaching) turned to look at me and put his hand over his mouth. He had to kneel down and got tears in his eyes. No exaggeration. It was that pretty of a play. Keep in mind that S was a collegiate goalkeeper, so he has pretty high standards. But, this was his kid and a textbook play--he was overwhelmed. So, seeing that, I of course get instant tears in my eyes. I love to watch them together (especially when they are NOT arguing!!)

So, I don't have a picture of it, but I think my friend Donna does. I will see if I can get it from her. There's just no way you can imagine how great it really was. . .

The McFamily Visit

It took so long to download the photos, that I don't have time to write about them right now, but I will this afternoon!

Photos of British Soccer Camp

British soccer camp was a lot of fun for both of the boys and they really learned a lot! I was amazed when we were walking to the car, and R. was dribbling the ball across the field, up a hill, and across the parking lot WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE BALL!! It was cool.

I didn't get very many "action" shots, because my camera doesn't zoom well (I need a new one!) so I didn't get many shots of N--his age group just does NOT stay still! Anyway--the coaches were great, and I hope the kids get to do this again next year!

Editorial Correction

In my post about our trip to Texas I said that my friend, T, had lost over 70 pounds. She has now officially lost 1o1 pounds! AMAZING!!!!

A Deployment Baby

A few years ago, they were requesting stories for a military version of the book "Chicken Soup for the Soul." I submitted a story, hoping to have my first published writing (a long-held, quiet dream of mine.) Well, my story didn't get selected, but I reread it the other day. I was looking for something else, and stumbled on it. With all the talk out there lately about the show "Army Wives" (remind me to tell you my connection to that show someday) along with the fact that I've been away from "home" (meaning the Army) for about a year and a half, I am missing my Army family quite a bit lately.

Most of the people who read my blog either are military or are my family (or close enough friends to be considered family), so they are all pretty much familiar with the concept that I have of the "army sisterhood." But, just in case you are not, here's my story. Also--so you can tell me if you think they should have published my story (ha ha, just kidding. . .not really!)

A Deployment Baby

When I was two months pregnant with our second child, we moved from Heidelberg to another post in Germany. Two months later, my husband deployed to Kosovo. Fortunately, that was before Iraq, so husbands were allowed to come home for the births of their babies—it was just a matter of making it home in time. They were allowed to come home one week before the baby’s due date, and stay for two weeks after. My first child was 9 days early, and I was only in labor for 5 hours, so I was concerned about my husband getting home before this one arrived.

You make friends quickly in the military, especially during a deployment, because you need to be able to depend on each other for the support you would otherwise get from your spouse! Within a couple of weeks, I became good friends with my neighbor, C. She took care of my oldest child, N, while I went to doctor’s appointments. She helped through my fears and uncertainties of seeing a German doctor and delivering in a German hospital. And, as my due date neared, she helped me form a plan for what to do if S couldn’t make it home it time.

The ideal plan was that S would be home a few days before the baby came, and N would stay with C while we went to the hospital. But, if S was not home, C would go with me to the hospital, and her husband, B, would take care of N and their two boys, A and J. But, when I was 37 weeks pregnant, B deployed to Iraq. Now what??!!

(from here I've made up names instead of using letters because it would get to confusing to read)

At my 38 week appointment, the doctor said it looked like the baby could come any time. There were 6 days before S would be home. Each morning started with a phone call to C. She would have a plan worked out for the day.

One day went like this: “If you go into labor between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m., Susan will pick up N and A from preschool. Amanda will get J after school. At 2, Susan has to take her son to the dentist, so she will take the boys to Heather’s house. If you go into labor after 2, Amanda will still get J from school, and A and N will go to Margo’s until Susan gets home. Susan has a meeting from 8 to 10 tonight, so Melanie will cover those two hours, and after that Susan will spend the night with the kids at my house. And if for some reason that doesn’t work out, we’ll get Dana, Amanda’s daughter, to go with us to the hospital and babysit the boys in the hallway until somebody can come get them all!”

With all of our spouses deployed, we were all pulling double parent duty, but these women were all still willing to help take care of my kids and me. I stayed on the couch for that whole week, trying not to have contractions. In the meantime, my friends took turns having N over to their house for most of the day. They called to be sure I was drinking water because dehydration causes contractions. They brought me food. C cleaned my house. Someone shoveled 16 inches of snow off my driveway. My friend Patty had her fourth baby by C-section two weeks before I was due, and with total seriousness she offered to have N stay with her while I had the baby! Everyone kept their cell phones on—ready at any moment to do whatever I needed. These women were amazing friends to me—and keep in mind, I had known them for about 6 months!

It all worked out OK—S arrived at 1:36 a.m. and we left for the hospital 14 minutes later. R was born 8 hours after his daddy got home. C took care of N, and she called all my family in the States to let them know about the baby, since I couldn’t make long distance calls from the hospital.

The great thing about Army wives is that they don’t just become your friends—they become your support system—counselors, cooks, drivers, secretaries, babysitters, or whatever you might need. I am so glad my husband was there for the birth of our baby, but if he hadn’t been—I wouldn’t have been alone. I would have had my Army sisters.

I've Already Missed It. . .

I said I would write one story every day until I caught up the summer. And of course, I have not done it. I have been a little productive though. I cleaned the house, which I had not done since the day after we got home from Texas (disgusting, I know!) I got the kids started at school and J. and I had our first gymnastics (actually pronounced 'mnastiks) class--which was a ball! Again, forgot the camera, but I'll take pictures this Saturday when we make up our class that we'll miss on Labor Day. And I started back to the gym--thank goodness!!

Anyway--I don't have time to write a summer story right this second, but I wanted to write this before I forgot.

Has anyone ever said anything to you that actually altered your relationship with them? Not a close person, like family member or someone you're dating. Just someone that you encounter periodically for whatever reason?

Someone said something to me recently, and I don't think she realized how it sounded. Or, maybe she did and that's how she meant it. . .I don't know. Anyway--it was so hurtful that it truly took my breath away. She kind of said it with a laugh in her voice, and she actually said that someone else had said it to her. But, I could tell that she actually was the one saying it, she just didn't want to admit that to me. Even if she WAS just repeating someone else, WHY ON EARTH would you do that when you know something is so hurtful? (I know this is vague, but she reads this sometimes and I don't want her to know it is her!)

Anyway--here's the thing. I don't think I can be decent to her anymore. I honestly don't think I can even look at her--much less talk to her! It hurt my feelings so badly, that I can't think of anything else when I think of her! Within about two seconds of her saying it, I managed to get away and immediately burst into tears. I shook for about an hour. I talked to my cousin and my friend about it, but really they were at a loss as well. We all decided that it was her issue, not mine. And yet, I can't let it go at that.

Part of the problem is this: it was about a member of my family (immediate family). If you know me well, you know that I can barely tolerate someone being rude to or about me directly--but if you mess with my kids or my husband or family--you are dead to me. That's actually the saying that I use, because it is truly how I feel. I CANNOT even tolerate the existence of someone in my life if they have hurt those I love the most. So. . .it has been a little while since this person said this thing. I didn't have to communicate with her for a while, but now, I do. So--what???? She acts as though nothing happened.

I don't know if she FORGOT that she said it, or if she didn't know how horrid it was, or if she thinks I didn't notice, or if she thinks because she SAID that it came from someone else I won't hold it against her, or if she thinks I'll let it go because it has been a while. But--I CAN'T!!! I think that makes me a bad person. I know it makes me a bad Christian. So, what do I do?

Please understand before you comment that I am not just talking about someone saying my kid is bad or that my husband is crazy. . .and it wasn't like she just used the wrong words while trying to say something nice (you know, like when someone says "You look great for your age!)--it was truly one of the most awful things I think you could say to or about someone. I know that isn't really fair, to tell the story and not give the details, but I just can't here. . . so that may make it impossible for anyone to give me advice.

In the meantime, here I sit. Trying to figure out what to do with my own brain. I basically avoid contact with her--but that doesn't change the anger I have in my heart. I don't like feeling that way, because it takes up so much of my time and brain space (which is quite limited in supply these days!), and I'm trying to come to grips with it and get past it--but how?

Please please please don't tell me that you think I should talk to her about it. We aren't "friends." It isn't like I am trying to save a relationship or something. If it was someone who was very important to me, I would definitely do that. I always say "in the heart, on the lips." I believe people can't read minds, so they can't fix things they don't know they've broken, but this isn't that kind of relationship. It is just someone who is around. It would be way too weird to try to have a conversation about it. She would probably think "Why do you even care what I said? We don't mean anything to each other." And that is true. And yet, I can't stop thinking about it, and being angry about it, and being shocked by it. It is myself I'm trying to fix--not her or my relationship with her.

A therapist once told me that hate is not the opposite of love. Hate takes just as much, if not more, energy than love does. Therefore, it has just as much power and control over you. The opposite of love is not to care at all. That's where I am trying to get with this situation. I have done it before, with big stuff and small stuff. People who are close to me, and people I don't really care about. Usually with people that don't mean much to me, I am just mad about it for a while, and then it goes away, because they don't register on my radar as important. And yet this won't go away, even though that's how I feel about her. Hmmmmm. . . .any ideas???

Texas Trip

So, we went home to visit for 3 1/2 weeks. Every time we go, I think that we have enough time, but no matter how long we are there, I still wish it was longer. . .Last year I was really proud of myself. I felt like I learned a lot while we were there in the summer. I finally felt like I had conquered that feeling of "my life is in Texas and I'm missing it." I think I had always felt like my "real" life was at home, and I wasn't there to live it, and I was missing out. Last summer I think I got past that. I sort of figured out that there are a lot of things that I AM missing when I am not in Texas--spending a lot of time with my family, the kids being close to their cousins, etc. But, my life is my life, and right now it isn't in Texas. So, the only way I miss out on it is if I don't live it! That carried me through the year, and I was thankful for the visits when family came here, and made sure I focused on appreciating what I do have in my life.

This summer I had another realization. My life may not be in Texas--but my heart is. Sigh. . .the irony of the whole situation really blows my mind. I can't go into that here, because I am blocking from my mind for now. I have thought it through. I know where I stand on it. I know the reality vs. the dream and I am concentrating on focusing on the positive.

Fortunately, I have developed many many coping skills when it comes to having to say goodbye. Unfortunately, coping isn't the same as curing. . .but--I am edging too close to moving the mind block. . .so on to the next topic.

While we were in Texas, we went to my mother's father's family reunion. It was really fun. We were there for 3 days, and it was interesting to talk to people that I am related to, but do not really know! The kids had a great time. There are a lot of the next generation around now, and they had a good time playing together. Somehow, I can't find any of the other pictures from the reunion, even though they were all on my camera at the same time. Hmmmm. . . .

My grandfather is one of 15 children. He is the next to youngest. Now, there are only 6 of them still living. They were all there, and it meant a lot to them to be able to have all of their families together.

After that reunion, was the 4th of July, which has sort of developed into a mini (not so small anymore) reunion. We usually go to the ?? every year. We hang out at the pool, they have games, barbeque, sno cones, pie--what more could you ask for? Then, they have a really good fireworks display. Of course, being overseas, we missed it for 5 years in a row. My poor kids have heard about it for their entire lives, and never gotten to see it! Last year, I was SO excited to share it with them. . .and it got rained out. RAIN! In Texas--in July! Who would ever think it? So, this year, I was even more excited. Guess what!

Record rainfall in Texas! Basically rained from February through July. Nice, huh? Again, we missed the fireworks. It was OK though, because a few days before, we went to the fireworks display in my little bitty hometown (which is not so little anymore.) It was the first one they've done, and it was OUTSTANDING!! They did a fabulous job!! The only issue was that J. was terrified. He sat in the floorboard in the backseat of the truck. So, it worked out well that we couldn't do the ones on the 4th, because the car would have been too far away to hide in!!

Anyway--instead of the club, we went to my dad's house and had brisket, swam at the pool, and had an altogether great time. With all the little ones, it was probably BETTER than the other plan, since they had a comfortable place to nap and snack. We let them do sparklers (which N. stepped on and burned his foot REALLY bad) before it even got dark, and they were all in bed by 9 or so--completely exhausted. What more can you ask for?

Here are some photos of the nieces and nephews. I didn't get one of M. that day. I was concentrating on getting a close up of everyone for the family tree I am making and I already have a BEAUTIFUL one of her, so I must have skipped her that day. (The one I already have of her is actually the inspiration for the tree. . .I can't wait until it is done. . .)

A few days later, we went to visit my mom's mom in East Texas. Sometimes she doesn't remember everybody or everything, but she remembered us! She told everyone that we were her "military grandchildren." She told the director of the nursing home, "I used to tell everybody that they were my Germany grandchildren, but now they live in ??, because S. is working for the Navy for a little while." Amazing that she remembered that. . .it is so funny how the human mind works! She knew exactly who S. and N. were, but she couldn't remember J. and R., even after she asked their names several times. . .I guess it is a short term memory thing. Anyway--I'm not sure she knew me. I think she knew my mom, but then she would look at me, and I look a lot like my mom, so I confused her. It was good to see her though.

It was funny to see the different reactions of my kids, though. N. was the typical softhearted kid that he always is. He talked to her and told her stories and showed her pictures. He was just exactly like my brother used to be (and still is) in those situations. R. was scared. The place, the old people, etc. all scared him. I knew exactly how he felt, because that's how I am. (I hide it better now that I'm older, but I still feel it.) S. kept trying to make him hug Nanny or whatever, and it was FREAKING him out. I don't believe that you should do that to kids. There is a difference between having manners and being scared to death. Anyway--J. was just his typical crazy self and made her laugh. He kept trying to steal the jello off of her tray and I wouldn't let him. Then I turned around a minute later and she was sneaking it to him! They were both laughing at me. It was pretty funny!

Of course, I cried when I left. It is strange for me, since I don't see her that often. As we were leaving and she kept saying goodbye to me and "goodbye little boy" to J, since I was holding him, I kept having flashes back to when she buried my brother and I in the sand at the lake, when she taught me how to dive at the swimming pool at my mom's apartment, the day my brother realized he was taller than her (he was probably 10 years old or something! She's short) And then, there she is, in a rocking chair--not wanting us to leave. Heartbreaking. Major guilt inducing. One really cool thing happened, though. I was holding J. and we were leaving. I didn't say anything to him, but she said "Bye little boy!" and he said "Bye Nanny! Love you!" It melted me.

Just as a side note, when we left, we forgot the photo album. We went back to get it, and I just ran in. There is a man there who is about 45. He's been there since his early 20s, having been in a motorcycle accident and suffered a major head injury. Apparently, he sits on the front porch and talks to himself or whoever walks by about all kinds of things. Well, as I ran in, I don't know exactly what he said to me because he kind of mumbles. All I could make out was that he started the sentence with "Ma'am." I am facinated by the fact that a man who had a head injury more than 20 years ago, and sits and talks about nothing to anyone or no one all day, still has the manners to refer to a woman that he doesn't know as "ma'am." That's Texas for you. I hope that I am doing as good a job of teaching my kids manners as that guy's mom must have. And of course, I cried more when I thought of that!!

When we left there we went to Cousin M's house. My "little cousin" A, is about 12 years younger than me, and her daughter is J's age. The boys had fun with her at the reunion, and couldn't wait to see her at her house--she has HORSES!!! It was NOT easy to get them out of there! They were quite tired on the way home! The next weekend was my high school 15 year reunion. It was REALLY a lot of fun. It was SO much better than the 10 year. It seemed like at the 10 year, everyone still had something to prove. Almost like they were still in high school. This time, everyone was much more mellow. Most folks were married or in serious relationships, and at least half have kids. It was cool that everyone really seemed to enjoy talking to everyone. Obviously, we all spent most of our time talking to the people we spent most of the time in high school with, because that's who you want to catch up with, but it seemed to me like we were all genuinely happy to see everybody. Even those who weren't our best friends 15 years ago.

The other thing that was really great is that everyone's spouses seemed to have a good time too. There wasn't any of that uncomfortable "left at the table with no one to talk to" issue. Everyone mingled with each other and had a good time. I didn't get a lot of time to talk to everyone's spouses in depth, but at least in the few minutes I did talk to them, everyone seemed really nice and pleasant. I love that. The people that I graduated from high school with really were exceptional. My class got along so well, and was full of really good people--I'm so glad that so many seem to have found such great matches!!

My best friend from high school, T, and I planned the reunion. Actually, she did all the work. I just decided I wanted us to have one, and then threw it all at her. Never mind that she was working full time, has 3 kids, and was starting school! Anyway--I love that I can go months without talking to her and then pick a conversation like no time has gone by! Her husband and her kids are really great too, which makes it a lot of fun to hang out with them.

She's on the weight loss wagon too, and has lost over 70 pounds! Amazing!!! I so proud of her (of both of us, actually!!) She is in the black shirt in the middle in this picture.

The next day was my dad's dad's family reunion. That was fun too. I love my cousins so much. I remember when I was a little kid, watching our parents sit and talk. You can sit in my grandmother's den and see the kitchen table. My cousins and I would be playing in the den and my dad and his sisters and their spouses would sit and around that table and talk and laugh all day! I mostly remember the laughing. I thought that was so weird. That adults could be perfectly entertained just SITTING there all day! Now, one of my very favorite things to do is to sit around that SAME round kitchen table with all my cousins. We laugh and laugh--and our kids are in the den playing. Probably thinking that we are SO WEIRD that we just sit there and laugh!!

We got to ride horses at Aunt F and Uncle B's house too!!! N. is big enough to ride by himself now, and he did great. At one point, the horse had a different plan than he did, but he did a great job and handled it all on his own!!!

I am the oldest cousin, and the next oldest is B. He's 11 months younger than me. I have always felt this special connection to him. We didn't live close to each other growing up, so we didn't get to have a real close every day relationship, but something has always felt special about him to me. Maybe it is because for a while we were the only ones and I can still remember us playing in the backyard with the tricycles and eating popcicles!! I don't know. But anyway--it was good to see him. He's an amazing guy, and even though he doesn't realize it, he may have saved my marriage a couple of times with some things he has said to me. Like it or not, they've stuck in my head, and I've needed them. He's a Marine, and because of an injury, he had to leave his unit before he wanted to. He has a unique perspective on a few issues I've dealt with over the last couple of years. I think that the comments he made were kind of just in passing, but they had a major impact on me. I love him. (sorry for the mushy!)

Anyway--I didn't get too many good pictures, but I got a few. I was so busy playing with all those kids!!!
The next week the older two boys went to sports camp at my dad's church. N. played basketball and R. played baseball. It was summer in Texas, so they were very hot, but they had a great time and really learned a lot. R. was so proud to be doing a "big kid" thing. He's never really been taken to an activity and dropped off before. I always stayed through his whole soccer practice, and school's not the same. It was very fun for him to be included in this event. He made a lot of improvement in baseball too!

N. learned a lot of basketball skills. He recently developed an interest in it, but hadn't really played much. He did enjoy it, so we'll probably sign him up to play somewhere this winter. He again showed his strong character when he realized that there was a boy in his group who didn't get the ball very often. He asked his coach to put him on that boy's team for the scrimmage on the last day, so that he could make sure to pass to that boy so he'd get to have the ball. He did it too, and the kid played well. I can't get over how amazingly intuitive he is. I think it makes him get his feelings hurt frequently, but he is SO KIND and does such amazing things for other people. A blessing and a curse for him, I suppose.

Unfortunately, I was so concerned with sunscreen and water bottles and hats and gloves and cleats etc, that I didn't remember to take the camera to sports camp. . . boo! What kinda soccer mom am I???

After sports camp one day, we got to meet my sorority little sister and her kids at the Water Park. It is a small, city owned park that is perfect for smaller kids, because it doesn't have a lot of slides and stuff. It is basically one giant pool with a wading pool attached and a little "lazy river." Enough to keep them busy, but not so much that they could get lost. It was really fun to see them. Her kids are beautiful, and SO sweet. They are just so much fun to be around. Of course, again, I forgot the camera! Next time we go to Texas, I'll plan the "sorority reunion" better and I'll remember the camera!!

The day before we left, we went back to the water park. This time, with my sister and sisters in law--and of course, the "matriarch" of the family--Nana. I wonder if it makes a person feel old to be called the matriarch? I don't know, but it is definitely an appropriate title with this many kids and kids in law and grand kids to your name!!

I actually remembered the camera this time! At one point, I realized that all the kids were in one central location! They were eating lunch, so they are a mess, and baby W. is asleep in his carseat--but there they are. . .all in one spot! We had a really fun time. We were a little irritated with the men for bailing on us, but secretly, I think it turned out better. It was so fun to spend time with just the "girls" and the kids. When we are all together, we end up busy talking to our husbands. This way, we got to spend time hanging out and talking with each other. Of course, they were conversations interrupted by potty breaks and requests for snacks--there were 8 grandchildren with us--but it was great fun anyway. That is one of the reasons I wish we lived there. It is SO much fun to be with all of them. I think I could live next door to them forever and just be better and better friends--never getting "too close for comfort." It makes me sad when they are talking about getting together for lunch or whatever. I truly wish I could be a part of that. . .

The only minor problem (my own insecurity and issues--not theirs) is that my sisters are SO pretty. All 3 of them. Doesn't matter if they had a baby 4 weeks earlier or they just got out of bed and haven't showered in 2 weeks. They are PRETTY. I always feel like the old, frumpy housewife next to the 3 of them. I did ok this trip. I had a little more confidence and comfort in my own skin, due to the recent exercise and weight loss. A minor break into hysteria when I realized I had forgotten the wrap skirt that goes with my swimsuit, but they had one for sale in the gift shop, so all was saved.

What a fabulous way to end the trip!

The next day, we left. Pop and Nana and Cousin L took us to the airport. That, of course, was HORRENDOUS. I hate goodbyes. Airports are even worse. I was actually thankful when they stopped letting people go to the gate. At least it gives a shorter amount of time for the goodbye. Sort of like ripping a band aid off. (Speaking of that, has anyone noticed that band aids don't hurt when you take them off anymore? How'd they do that? And why didn't they do it when I was little?)

It dawned on me on the flight home that it is never going to get easier. I've been doing this for 11 years--this saying goodbye--27 if you include the going back and forth between divorced parents. I think I've subconciously assumed that it would eventually get easier. I realized this trip that it won't. That is not an easy realization to come to. I'm not sure how to handle it, actually. And thus, the reason for the mind block--which I have again edged to close to, so that's it for today!

I'm sure a lot more stuff happened during our 3 weeks in Texas that I will remember and write about later, but I wanted to get this stuff on here, before the warm fuzzy feeling of the memories left me!