Well, I am on vacation in Texas, which is why I haven't posted lately. I forgot the software CD for my camera, so I can't download any photos. I suppose I could post stuff without photos, but I always want to share the stuff the boys are doing. But, today something occurred to me that I just had to put down on paper. It has nothing to do with where I am on who I am with. I was just thinking of stuff from my past, and this popped into my head.
Originally, this blog was supposed to be all about my kids, but it has mostly become somewhere for me to ramble. Most of my ramblings are about the kids, since that is what comsumes most of my time, but some things pop into my head that I want to get out. . .writing them here seems to be sort of like therapy!
So. . .what I was thinking about. I wonder if there is anyone in the world who would HATE to ever be around me again. I know there are people who don't like me, or don't care about me one way or another, but does anyone hate me so much that they could not stand to be around me again? I was thinking about this because I was thinking about how we move so much in the army, and my family is SO different from that. That made me think about all the friends I have made and left, and wonder if I will get to be stationed with again.
Steven and I have this thing called the "imaginary neighborhood." We talk about if we could create our own dream neighborhood, who would get to live there, where they would live (meaning the more we like them, the closer they are to us--next door, down the street, two streets over, another city, etc.) Sometimes we like one half of a couple and not the other half. So, we either try to match them up with a different spouse, or they just have to live there alone. It is a strange game, I admit, but we both love to people watch, so I guess this is an extension of that when there are no people around to watch!
So--of course, this line of thinking lead to the opposite too. Is there anyone in the world that I would NOT want to have around again? There are several people that I could do without, but if they were around, it wouldn't kill me. You don't have to be best friends with everyone in your unit, for instance. So, I was thinking of this. There are 2 people in the world that I honestly PRAY that I will never, ever encounter again. Not for even 5 minutes in a grocery store. I don't think it is appropriate to fix a great deal of energy on disliking someone, but these 2 people I just can't stand. One is from my very distant past, and one is from my recent past. I NEVER EVER EVER EVER want to be around them, stationed with them, in the same unit with them, EVER EVER again. That made me wonder if anyone feels that way about me. Now, understand that this is different that just getting irritated by someone's personality or annoyed by their eating habits or whatever. I mean they have done personal harm to me (or my family--which means to me) and I hate them. I know it is not right to hate someone. But, I do hate these two people. A lot. A really really lot. I hope no one feels that way about me. I have tried my whole life to be kind, but I also know I have screwed up and made people mad. I wonder if I have ever made them THAT mad. . .I hope not. Because I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't EVER EVER EVER want to lay eyes on those two people again. EVER.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
American Soldier
One of the things that I love about country music is that there is a song for everything. Whatever emotion you're feeling, situation you're in, prayer you're saying. . .you can find a country song that fits perfectly. I also love that country musicians are, for the most part, very patriotic. There are some GREAT patriotic songs in the country music world. One of the reasons I am putting this song here, is because a lot of my Army wife friends DON'T listen to country, so they probably haven't heard this. . .but I know they will love it!
And Now He's Grown. . .
With my little two boys, I never have this overwhelming feeling that they have left babyhood. I guess it is because I always have the older brother to compare them to, so they still seem small. But with N. I have had so many moments when I have thought "Oh no! He's grown! There's no baby left to him!" I thought that when we had his 3 year old pictures taken (I look at them now and he is DEFNITELY still a baby in those photos!) I thought it when he started preschool, when he started German school, and when he started kindergarten. But now--kindergarten is OVER!! He's GROWN! He's not a baby. He will be a regular school kid. A grade that is a number instead of a cute word like "kindergarten." Full day school (he went to full day kindergarten in Germany, but here he has been in 1/2 afternoons!) He's big! He has hair on his legs. He doesn't cry and throw a fit (very often) and he can reason his way through a lot of conversations. He is losing teeth and having sleepovers. He talks about what he will be when he grows up, and he actually puts some thought into it, instead of just saying whatever thing he is looking at in the moment! He goes into the dentist exam room without me, and he doesn't need me at all to get dressed in the mornings. Clothes, brushing teeth and hair--all of it. He can even get himself a bowl of cereal (if I would allow him to--which I won't.) So, I suppose he is grown now. I know I will have that feeling over and over and over throughout his life, but I am feeling it now and it makes me cry. Not out of sadness. I don't wish him a baby again. It's just that I always seem to have this feeling of time slipping by me without me paying enough attention or doing everything I needed to do, or something. I just want everything to be EXACTLY RIGHT for him, and I'm not always able to make that happen.
We went to a birthday party yesterday for a hid that he knew from Germany. The boy's family is here in California visiting Grandma for the summer, and they are only about 1 hour away from us. So, we went up to the party. I read a thing called "Rules for Raising an Army Brat" once. One of the things it said was "8 hours is not too far to drive for a play date. Best friends are hard to come by. Even when you are a 7 year old." I try to keep that in mind and help my kids stay in touch with their friends, because I want to keep in touch with mine. Anyway--this was only an hour away so it was no big deal. You should have seen that kid. He walked up to all the adults and introduced himself and shook their hands! Who taught him that??? I have no idea! I didn't tell him to go do it. He just did! He's just so GROWN UP!!! Then, he asked to spend the night there. I said it was Ok, and we would meet them halfway today to pick him up. About 1/2 way home I had this HORRIBLE feeling of wanting to go back and get him. He is perfectly safe and happy, but he is and hour away from me! He's fine. I resisted the urge to freak out and I'll see him later. I hope he hasn't gotten 2 feet taller or grown a moustache or something!
Here are some photos of his last day of kindergarten, and the next day's party at the beach. (Can I just tell you that I LOVE the fact that we can just go hang out at the beach whenever we get bored??? It is beyond fabulous!!)
With his best buddies, signing shirts and yearbooks. . .
With his teacher. . .
Boogie boarding at the beach. . .
The two who ARE still little. . .
We went to a birthday party yesterday for a hid that he knew from Germany. The boy's family is here in California visiting Grandma for the summer, and they are only about 1 hour away from us. So, we went up to the party. I read a thing called "Rules for Raising an Army Brat" once. One of the things it said was "8 hours is not too far to drive for a play date. Best friends are hard to come by. Even when you are a 7 year old." I try to keep that in mind and help my kids stay in touch with their friends, because I want to keep in touch with mine. Anyway--this was only an hour away so it was no big deal. You should have seen that kid. He walked up to all the adults and introduced himself and shook their hands! Who taught him that??? I have no idea! I didn't tell him to go do it. He just did! He's just so GROWN UP!!! Then, he asked to spend the night there. I said it was Ok, and we would meet them halfway today to pick him up. About 1/2 way home I had this HORRIBLE feeling of wanting to go back and get him. He is perfectly safe and happy, but he is and hour away from me! He's fine. I resisted the urge to freak out and I'll see him later. I hope he hasn't gotten 2 feet taller or grown a moustache or something!
Here are some photos of his last day of kindergarten, and the next day's party at the beach. (Can I just tell you that I LOVE the fact that we can just go hang out at the beach whenever we get bored??? It is beyond fabulous!!)
With his best buddies, signing shirts and yearbooks. . .
With his teacher. . .
Boogie boarding at the beach. . .
The two who ARE still little. . .
Friday, June 23, 2006
Appreciation for stay home moms
I didn't really give anything up to stay home with my kids. I had only been out of college for 3 years when I had N. I had 1 job in Dallas in my "field" of TV, and then in North Carolina I was a special events planner. I really loved it, but it wasn't a passion or anything. That's why I think I have a complex about "just" being a mom. I didn't really contribute much before I stopped working, so it wasn't a noble sacrifice on my part like it is for a lot of women. Anyway--last week when S. was here, she was talking about being a stay home mom is the only job with "delayed gratification" because you don't get any thanks out of it 'til the kids are grown!
It seems to me that this is the only job where there is not built in "attaboys." No raises, no yearly performance reviews, no promotions, no medals, etc. Not even very many thank yous. . .I think that is why I love this song!
(By the way, as I type this, I have just stopped J. who was in the toilet with his toy hammer and is now climbing on the computer tower to steal the digital camera. R. is in my bed systematically throwing all the pillows on the floor and N. is begging to use the computer or be served breakfast!)
It seems to me that this is the only job where there is not built in "attaboys." No raises, no yearly performance reviews, no promotions, no medals, etc. Not even very many thank yous. . .I think that is why I love this song!
(By the way, as I type this, I have just stopped J. who was in the toilet with his toy hammer and is now climbing on the computer tower to steal the digital camera. R. is in my bed systematically throwing all the pillows on the floor and N. is begging to use the computer or be served breakfast!)
Monday, June 19, 2006
Weight Loss, Weight Gain. . .Man It's Expensive!
So--as most of you know I am in the midst of a major weight loss program. Weight Watchers food plan, work out 5 days a week, meet with a trainer once a week. . .blah blah blah. Great. I've lost 31 pounds. Lovely. Here's the thing. I didn't really pay much attention to my weight before I had kids. Had the first one, didn't try to lose weight until he was 15 months old. So--started Weight Watchers. Became a lifetime member. Goody for me. Had the second kid. Was in Germany, so attending WW meetings would have been pointless as they a) weigh you in kilograms and b) speak German (which I do not--except to order at a restaurant, which tends to be the opposite of what WW wants me to know). So, I did Body For Life. Lost 75 pounds and had great muscles! So, loved that. . .immediately got pregnant with kid 3. Fine. Gained tremendous amount (again.) By the way. . .I weighed EXACTLY the same amount at the end of each of my pregnancies. Anyway--sort of screwed around trying to lose weight. There were SO many emotional issues going on over the last year, that really I just plain self medicated with brownies. and cookie dough. and Lambrusco. I digress. . .
So, we move here. Clean slate--no groceries in the house. Start from scratch. Great! Bought all kinds of fresh and healthy foods. Joined WW. Started at the gym. Good for me. Lovely.
Another digression. . .if you are not working out right now (and you are a mom--stay home or working--applies equally) here is the best reason to work out: it is the only time that you are physically incapable of doing something for others. By default, you are truly doing something for yourself! I know you probably THINK you take time for yourself, but do you really? When you get a babysitter do you frequently get a pedicure, or do you clean closets, shop for school clothes and schedule doctor's appointments? That's what I thought! You DON'T take time for yourself! So--when you are working out you HAVE to. It's great. It benefits the kids too (mine, anyway) because it works on my head while I work on my body so then they don't have a nutcase for a mom. And, my gym has free childcare--I get to work out AND take a shower AND dry my hair AND put on makeup with NO ONE pulling on the hem of my shirt or screaming for me to button their pants!
Ok, back to my point. . .it is awfully expensive to keep going up and down in weight. Not for the food--that is actually less expensive because we eat out less and we eat a lot more fresh stuff. I'm talking about the clothes! Just look at this:
These are the clothes that either I am now too "small" (a relative term used loosely in this case) for or that I have had so long that they are out of style. Now let's keep in mind that I have THE WORST FASHION SENSE of anyone in the world. So, if I know it is out of style, it must be BAD!!! Anyway--I was just calculating how much money must be lying on the bathroom floor as I went through the rubbermaid containers transferring sizes and it made me crazy! I hate to spend money on clothes for me, because I constantly pick out the wrong things anyway, so I probably didn't spend more than $30 on any one item, but still! Even at $5 an item it is a fortune!!
Geez. . . .well, there are definitely no more babies, so I hope there are no more ups and downs (well, just this one more down) with weight. One of my new goals is to become a Weight Watchers leader by January of 2007. You have to maintain your goal weight within 2 pounds to work there. . .I figure that would keep me honest! Also, they don't have any mom and me classes here at the center I go to, and I find that ridiculous! I'd like to do that. . .wish me luck!
So, we move here. Clean slate--no groceries in the house. Start from scratch. Great! Bought all kinds of fresh and healthy foods. Joined WW. Started at the gym. Good for me. Lovely.
Another digression. . .if you are not working out right now (and you are a mom--stay home or working--applies equally) here is the best reason to work out: it is the only time that you are physically incapable of doing something for others. By default, you are truly doing something for yourself! I know you probably THINK you take time for yourself, but do you really? When you get a babysitter do you frequently get a pedicure, or do you clean closets, shop for school clothes and schedule doctor's appointments? That's what I thought! You DON'T take time for yourself! So--when you are working out you HAVE to. It's great. It benefits the kids too (mine, anyway) because it works on my head while I work on my body so then they don't have a nutcase for a mom. And, my gym has free childcare--I get to work out AND take a shower AND dry my hair AND put on makeup with NO ONE pulling on the hem of my shirt or screaming for me to button their pants!
Ok, back to my point. . .it is awfully expensive to keep going up and down in weight. Not for the food--that is actually less expensive because we eat out less and we eat a lot more fresh stuff. I'm talking about the clothes! Just look at this:
These are the clothes that either I am now too "small" (a relative term used loosely in this case) for or that I have had so long that they are out of style. Now let's keep in mind that I have THE WORST FASHION SENSE of anyone in the world. So, if I know it is out of style, it must be BAD!!! Anyway--I was just calculating how much money must be lying on the bathroom floor as I went through the rubbermaid containers transferring sizes and it made me crazy! I hate to spend money on clothes for me, because I constantly pick out the wrong things anyway, so I probably didn't spend more than $30 on any one item, but still! Even at $5 an item it is a fortune!!
Geez. . . .well, there are definitely no more babies, so I hope there are no more ups and downs (well, just this one more down) with weight. One of my new goals is to become a Weight Watchers leader by January of 2007. You have to maintain your goal weight within 2 pounds to work there. . .I figure that would keep me honest! Also, they don't have any mom and me classes here at the center I go to, and I find that ridiculous! I'd like to do that. . .wish me luck!
The Kids are Too Damn Smart
In reference to the story of R's tooth below, I started this afternoon talking to him about the idea of the doctor taking out the "special tooth" and how there would be a cut in his mouth and he would get to eat ice cream, etc. Guess what? Two hours later: "Mommy, my tooth hurts. I need to eat my ice cream." Seriously! What do you say to that? I said "Oh no. The ice cream is for after the doctor takes the tooth out. Until then you just get water." Nice, huh? He wandered off. (Probably plotting a new strategy for getting that ice cream!!)
Wikipedia
Something fun I saw on someone else's site. Here are the directions: Go to Wikipedia and do a search for your birthday (day and month only, exclude the year). Post three facts, two births and one death on your blog including the years.
Here are my results (for April 24):
Facts:
1184 BC--Greeks enter Troy using the Trojan Horse
1990--The Hubble Space Telescope is launched by the Space Shuttle Discovery
2005--Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is inagurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, taking the name Pope Benedict XVI
Births:
1934--Shirley MacLaine, American actress and author
1964--Cedric the Entertainer, American comedian and actor
Death:
2004--Estee Lauder, American cosmetics entrepreneur
Here are my results (for April 24):
Facts:
1184 BC--Greeks enter Troy using the Trojan Horse
1990--The Hubble Space Telescope is launched by the Space Shuttle Discovery
2005--Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is inagurated as the 265th Pope of the Roman Catholic Church, taking the name Pope Benedict XVI
Births:
1934--Shirley MacLaine, American actress and author
1964--Cedric the Entertainer, American comedian and actor
Death:
2004--Estee Lauder, American cosmetics entrepreneur
The Dentist's Office
Today we took all 3 kids to the dentist. Thank goodness S. was able to come with me. There was no way I could have done it alone. So . . .as was expected, J. had a complete fit and basically she looked in his mouth and said "He's fine. . .keep brushing."
N. has 2 cavities. The child is plagued with them. Partly my fault, because a LOT of times I forget to make them brush their teeth at night. And, I haven't flossed them regularly since we left Germany. So--he has to get 2 fillings and 3 sealants. Well, guess what folks--we AIN'T in Germany anymore! Overseas, all family members are seen by military dentists--meaning no charge! Here--dental insurance only covers PART! So, we have to take N. back the day after we return from Texas and it is going to cost us $180!! Yikes!
They did xrays on both older boys and both of them have pretty crowded teeth--the may space out as they grow, but they will likely BOTH need braces. (Again--no longer in Germany--maybe we should go back there!)
So--here's the CRAZIEST thing that happened! They said R. didn't have to have xrays at his age, but if he would sit still, they recommended it. Of course he would sit still! We just let him watch N. to see what would happen and then he jumped right up there and was a perfect patient. Now. . .look at this xray of the top front teeth. He (obviously) still has all his baby teeth, and his adult teeth are behind them--not ready to come in for a few years--but look in the middle!!!!
So--it takes about 1/2 a second for the dentist to tell me what it is. Let me tell you all the thoughts I had in that 1/2 second. The child has a tumor growing in his mouth. S#*T! Grab him! Run for the door! Go immediately to Children's Hospital and make them fix him! Don't let it spread to his brain. . .oh GOD HELP MY BABY!!
I'm not kidding. I seriously went that far. I think it is partly because my friend L's daughter E. is a cancer survivor. She is 9 now and 2 years cancer free, but it still freaks me out to think of it, because I've never known a kid with cancer before. So--anyway--I immediately get tears in my eyes and am terrified for my tiny baby who is laying there on the ENORMOUS dental chair. Now, mind you, R. is completely oblivious to all of this, because the dentist is a GENIUS and she has a flat screen TV mounted above the kid's head facing down at him, and he got to pick a movie--so he is immersed in Dora's Pirate Adventure.
Anyway--the 1/2 second goes by and she tells me it is an extra tooth. I suppose that is obvious to a calm, rational observer, but I have never claimed to be either of those two things--even on my best day.
So, the extra tooth is causing the permanent tooth to turn completely sideways. It has to be taken out as soon as possible, so that it will not mess up the alignment of the permanent teeth, or worse, cause the permanent teeth to be deformed. Well, that's just freakin' great! I just convinced this kid that the dentist is no big deal and nothing to be scared of. He's sitting in the chair, mouth open, letting her scrape off all the crap that his worthless mother didn't floss away and watching Dora, happy as a clam. Now, I have to tell him that we are going to see another doctor who is going to CUT HIS MOUTH OPEN AND TAKE OUT HIS TOOTH AND BONE!!!!
Hmmmmmm. . .Perhaps I won't put it exactly that way. Here's what I'm thinking. . .I tell him that he has a special tooth that most kids don't have. It won't come out like a normal one, so a doctor is going to take it out. The good news is The Tooth Fairy gets to come visit him about 3 years early!! What do you think??? Think it will fly? What if I add that after the doctor takes it out, his mouth will be sore for a few days, but he can eat all the ice cream and popsicles he wants? (Yes, I know that the dentist would not recommend this, but for heaven's sake, the baby is getting his mouth cut on--I think we can cut him a little slack!)
I keep remembering when G. crashed into the curb while pushing his Tonka truck and knocked out his front tooth. . .S. was so distraught--G. was pretty much fine with it, once he stopped bleeding and found out the tooth fairy was coming. . .Let's hope we have the same thing here!!
N. has 2 cavities. The child is plagued with them. Partly my fault, because a LOT of times I forget to make them brush their teeth at night. And, I haven't flossed them regularly since we left Germany. So--he has to get 2 fillings and 3 sealants. Well, guess what folks--we AIN'T in Germany anymore! Overseas, all family members are seen by military dentists--meaning no charge! Here--dental insurance only covers PART! So, we have to take N. back the day after we return from Texas and it is going to cost us $180!! Yikes!
They did xrays on both older boys and both of them have pretty crowded teeth--the may space out as they grow, but they will likely BOTH need braces. (Again--no longer in Germany--maybe we should go back there!)
So--here's the CRAZIEST thing that happened! They said R. didn't have to have xrays at his age, but if he would sit still, they recommended it. Of course he would sit still! We just let him watch N. to see what would happen and then he jumped right up there and was a perfect patient. Now. . .look at this xray of the top front teeth. He (obviously) still has all his baby teeth, and his adult teeth are behind them--not ready to come in for a few years--but look in the middle!!!!
So--it takes about 1/2 a second for the dentist to tell me what it is. Let me tell you all the thoughts I had in that 1/2 second. The child has a tumor growing in his mouth. S#*T! Grab him! Run for the door! Go immediately to Children's Hospital and make them fix him! Don't let it spread to his brain. . .oh GOD HELP MY BABY!!
I'm not kidding. I seriously went that far. I think it is partly because my friend L's daughter E. is a cancer survivor. She is 9 now and 2 years cancer free, but it still freaks me out to think of it, because I've never known a kid with cancer before. So--anyway--I immediately get tears in my eyes and am terrified for my tiny baby who is laying there on the ENORMOUS dental chair. Now, mind you, R. is completely oblivious to all of this, because the dentist is a GENIUS and she has a flat screen TV mounted above the kid's head facing down at him, and he got to pick a movie--so he is immersed in Dora's Pirate Adventure.
Anyway--the 1/2 second goes by and she tells me it is an extra tooth. I suppose that is obvious to a calm, rational observer, but I have never claimed to be either of those two things--even on my best day.
So, the extra tooth is causing the permanent tooth to turn completely sideways. It has to be taken out as soon as possible, so that it will not mess up the alignment of the permanent teeth, or worse, cause the permanent teeth to be deformed. Well, that's just freakin' great! I just convinced this kid that the dentist is no big deal and nothing to be scared of. He's sitting in the chair, mouth open, letting her scrape off all the crap that his worthless mother didn't floss away and watching Dora, happy as a clam. Now, I have to tell him that we are going to see another doctor who is going to CUT HIS MOUTH OPEN AND TAKE OUT HIS TOOTH AND BONE!!!!
Hmmmmmm. . .Perhaps I won't put it exactly that way. Here's what I'm thinking. . .I tell him that he has a special tooth that most kids don't have. It won't come out like a normal one, so a doctor is going to take it out. The good news is The Tooth Fairy gets to come visit him about 3 years early!! What do you think??? Think it will fly? What if I add that after the doctor takes it out, his mouth will be sore for a few days, but he can eat all the ice cream and popsicles he wants? (Yes, I know that the dentist would not recommend this, but for heaven's sake, the baby is getting his mouth cut on--I think we can cut him a little slack!)
I keep remembering when G. crashed into the curb while pushing his Tonka truck and knocked out his front tooth. . .S. was so distraught--G. was pretty much fine with it, once he stopped bleeding and found out the tooth fairy was coming. . .Let's hope we have the same thing here!!
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Family Reunion
Those of you who knew us in Germany know that we did not have a family of 5--it was a family of 9! Three of those actually born during the time in Germany! For those of you who did not know us then. . .it is kind of hard to explain. We lived in 1/2 of a duplex on the Army post, and the other half of the duplex was the other half of our family! I estimate that we spent at least 75% of our time together! The husbands continuously said that they were just going to cut a hole in the wall of the laundry rooms so we wouldn't have to bother going outside! They also wondered how S. and I could spend all day together, and then come home and be on the phone for more than an hour--when we were right next door!
We literally became family. . .we had most of our meals together, we took care of each other's kids--the kids didn't even have to leave the comfort of their own beds, because we had each other's baby monitors. We'd just call and say "I need to go to the commissary. If you give me your list, I'll get your stuff and you listen for my kids." It was nice to have a very best friend right next door. I don't think our husbands realize how much it helped them. If we were angry or frustrated with them, we had a chance to talk it through with each other, and then they didn't have to hear AS MUCH of the complaints!
Anyway--the day they left Germany was almost more than I could bear. I don't do well with goodbyes anyway, and this goodbye was to someone who had become more than a sister--she was practically the other half of my brain (which was nice since I often feel like 1/2 my brain is missing!!) The children had grown up together. N. was 3 and G. was 6 months when we met. R., R., and J. had known each other all their lives. . .They truly behaved like siblings. ALL of us cried the day they left. My kids kept climbing in the MWR shuttle bus with them, and their kids kept trying to get out and stay with us! It was truly truly awful.
I think that is why it was easier for me to leave Germany than it has ever been to leave somewhere before. All our friends were gone that summer, so by Christmas when we left, it wasn't the same place.
So--this week, they came to visit us!! It was great! They got here and we immediately fell right back into the old life of one big family. S. even gave us a new name--the "McT.... family." I love that! They were here for 4 nights, and I would have loved for them to stay longer. I wish we could live next door to each other forever. Actually, with about 1000 more square feet--we could just live in one house! (Except that we both have SO MUCH polish pottery that we have to have 2 kitchens--plus lots of storage furniture for the overflow!)
Anyway--while they were here we went to the beach,
We literally became family. . .we had most of our meals together, we took care of each other's kids--the kids didn't even have to leave the comfort of their own beds, because we had each other's baby monitors. We'd just call and say "I need to go to the commissary. If you give me your list, I'll get your stuff and you listen for my kids." It was nice to have a very best friend right next door. I don't think our husbands realize how much it helped them. If we were angry or frustrated with them, we had a chance to talk it through with each other, and then they didn't have to hear AS MUCH of the complaints!
Anyway--the day they left Germany was almost more than I could bear. I don't do well with goodbyes anyway, and this goodbye was to someone who had become more than a sister--she was practically the other half of my brain (which was nice since I often feel like 1/2 my brain is missing!!) The children had grown up together. N. was 3 and G. was 6 months when we met. R., R., and J. had known each other all their lives. . .They truly behaved like siblings. ALL of us cried the day they left. My kids kept climbing in the MWR shuttle bus with them, and their kids kept trying to get out and stay with us! It was truly truly awful.
I think that is why it was easier for me to leave Germany than it has ever been to leave somewhere before. All our friends were gone that summer, so by Christmas when we left, it wasn't the same place.
So--this week, they came to visit us!! It was great! They got here and we immediately fell right back into the old life of one big family. S. even gave us a new name--the "McT.... family." I love that! They were here for 4 nights, and I would have loved for them to stay longer. I wish we could live next door to each other forever. Actually, with about 1000 more square feet--we could just live in one house! (Except that we both have SO MUCH polish pottery that we have to have 2 kitchens--plus lots of storage furniture for the overflow!)
Anyway--while they were here we went to the beach,
to the Wild Animal Park,
and to Sea World.
The kids were generally exhausted by the end of each day, as were we, but it sure was nice to get to hang out in the evenings and just talk. . .even though it wasn't in the front yard drinking iced tea or Lambrusco!
We have decided that we will definitely live next door to each other after retirement. G. doesn't have as long as S. does, so they will have to go to Texas ahead of us and scout the locations. We also decided that we must buy timeshares or summer houses together somewhere a bit cooler, because the only drawback to Texas is the killer heat in the summer! So...the plans are being forged--we will build the McT.... compound.
I am so thrilled that we are able to stay close, even though we are thousands of miles apart. I was afraid that we would drift apart and when we got together again it wouldn't be the same. But--it is! I guess that is the difference between friendship and family!
Friday, June 09, 2006
That horrible in-between stage
R. and J. are both in "in-between" stages with naps. R. is between needing one and not. He can make it to the end of the day without a nap, but he is cranky and sleepy by about 4. Plus I have to watch him continuously later in the afternoon to keep him from going to sleep somewhere. Also, it is impossible to put him in the car or he falls asleep. But, I can't MAKE him take a nap earlier, because he just won't fall asleep!
R. asleep under the computer desk while I was typing!
J. is between needing two naps and one. So, the same thing happens to him. If he naps too early in the day, he is just like R. at the end of the day. If he naps too late, he doesn't need a second nap until about 6:30 in which case IT'S TOO LATE TO NAP!
J. finally dropped at 11pm after having napped from 6-8!
The additional irritation is that NEITHER of them sleeps well at night anymore. I am insane from them coming in our room (both of them) every night. No matter how many times we walk them back to their rooms, they stay in their own beds for about 30 minutes and them come right back. Not to mention that they don't sleep well with others. They both fuss and kick all night if anything touches them--another person (that happens when there are 4 people in a bed) or even the sheets! J. hates to be covered, R. wants the covers all the way up to his neck! And J.'s diaper leaks EVERY night! He is in size 5s! They are fine in the day--anyone know if there are better diapers for night time?
ANY SUGGESTIONS WOULD BE SO VERY WELCOME!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Family Photo
This was taken in December. Aren't the kids cute? What a pain it is to take family photos! It just gets progressively harder as there are more kids. . .We had a photo taken of all my Dad and stepmother's grandkids. . .6 kids. . .5 under the age of 3! Craziness! Then, recently, we went to visit my stepsisters in Fresno. Tried to have a picture taken with our kids and theirs--nothing doing! J. and baby E. were NOT having it! Anyway--this is our most recent family photo.
Notice I am well hidden in the back. I am working hard on that. I have been in Weight Watchers for 16 weeks now, and have joined a gym. I go to the gym 5 days a week (it's great--women only! No GIANT weights taking up a lot of space since women never use them, and no women who work out just so men will look at them! Just a bunch of people like me!) So--I've lost 26 pounds so far. That is just a drop in the bucket of what I have to lose, but at least I'm started!
Have you ever noticed that moms NEVER take time for themselves? Even when that is what you are supposedly doing, you probably aren't. For example, my friend and I were trading off days of babysitting during kindergarten, so we each got to have a few hours off. What did I do? Called doctor's offices, shopped for summer clothes for the kids, etc. It was all stuff I had to do for other people anyway, I just happened to be doing it without pushing a stroller and carrying a preschooler! The greatest thing I have gotten from exercise is that it is the only time that I am physically unable to do something for someone else! I am actually doing something for me--it is a physical process but it definitely has a mental reward too! (Not to mention that there is free childcare at the gym so I can work out AND take a shower!!)
Notice I am well hidden in the back. I am working hard on that. I have been in Weight Watchers for 16 weeks now, and have joined a gym. I go to the gym 5 days a week (it's great--women only! No GIANT weights taking up a lot of space since women never use them, and no women who work out just so men will look at them! Just a bunch of people like me!) So--I've lost 26 pounds so far. That is just a drop in the bucket of what I have to lose, but at least I'm started!
Have you ever noticed that moms NEVER take time for themselves? Even when that is what you are supposedly doing, you probably aren't. For example, my friend and I were trading off days of babysitting during kindergarten, so we each got to have a few hours off. What did I do? Called doctor's offices, shopped for summer clothes for the kids, etc. It was all stuff I had to do for other people anyway, I just happened to be doing it without pushing a stroller and carrying a preschooler! The greatest thing I have gotten from exercise is that it is the only time that I am physically unable to do something for someone else! I am actually doing something for me--it is a physical process but it definitely has a mental reward too! (Not to mention that there is free childcare at the gym so I can work out AND take a shower!!)
The boys teeth!
Well, I am sorry to report that with all of the confusion of moving and adjusting to life here, we have neglected the children's dental hygiene terribly. We haven't found a dentist and just look what has become of them. . .
Just kidding! They are actually going to the dentist next week--in the meantime, J. has ALL FOUR "pointy" teeth coming in at once and N. just lost a top tooth! He got $5--inflation has even hit the tooth fairy!
Just kidding! They are actually going to the dentist next week--in the meantime, J. has ALL FOUR "pointy" teeth coming in at once and N. just lost a top tooth! He got $5--inflation has even hit the tooth fairy!
Our house
It's weird living in a civilian community. For the most part, I have no connection to the military right now. Other than shopping at Miramar, and having to get approval for my medical stuff through Tricare. I have been to S's office once, and have only met the people he works with that one time. They have no interest in meeting me or being friends with us. But, we have found a church and are slowly making friends in the neighborhood. It is nice. I think it will be really great for us in the end. It definitely took some adjusting. . .no one "automatically" reaches out to you like they would in a military community. But, S. is home early every day and come pretty much be here when I need him (I was SO sick on Friday--I called and he left work right then and came home!! If you are military, you KNOW how amazing that is!!) So, I think it will be great to be here for a couple of years. Then it will be time to go back to "real life." We will both be rested and ready to go. . .although I don't know that I'll ever be "happy" about the idea of a deployment.
So--anyway, my point in this post was to put some pictures of our house. I miss the convenience, safety, and comraderie of living on post--but this is a GREAT house. It is in a culdesac, so the kids ride their bikes and play out front and they are safe from speeding cars. Our backyard is beautiful and it backs up to a STEEP hill (uphill) so we don't look into someone else's yard, and we are shaded throughout the day. The layout of the house is nice and we all have plenty of room to spread out or hang out together! Quite a find!
So--anyway, my point in this post was to put some pictures of our house. I miss the convenience, safety, and comraderie of living on post--but this is a GREAT house. It is in a culdesac, so the kids ride their bikes and play out front and they are safe from speeding cars. Our backyard is beautiful and it backs up to a STEEP hill (uphill) so we don't look into someone else's yard, and we are shaded throughout the day. The layout of the house is nice and we all have plenty of room to spread out or hang out together! Quite a find!
Front of the house 
Backyard (there is actually a lot more room than you can see here--it is all to the side!)
Monday, May 29, 2006
Memorial Day
Just a quick thought. . .at church yesterday the pastor did an excellent job talking about Memorial Day and what it means. He had everyone who was serving in the military or who ever HAD served stand up. Then we said a prayer and he talked about the fact that "those who are standing here among us watched their friends die. . .and they continued to serve."
I'm not really sure why people say "Happy" Memorial Day. I think they don't stop and pay attention. Even if they aren't focused on the extra day off or the sales at the mall or the big picnic, many seem to think it is a day to celebrate our country or celebrate our military. We'll it isn't. We have those--4th of July, Veterans Day, etc--but today is a day of MEMORIAL. As in memorial ceremony, 21 gun salute, caskets draped in American flags.
It is a day to be grateful. Unfortunately, those we acknowledge today don't get to see our appreciation. They probably don't mind that--I have never met a soldier who served because he wanted someone to tell him thank you. But, take a moment of complete silence and think really hard about what it is to die for your country--It's not some vague, idealized notion, but being in a hot, dirty place far from home and loved ones and being willing to die there. To know your wife and children are at home and you will never see them again, and they will cry for you forever. But also knowing that your dying there will help keep your fellow Americans from dying on our own soil--and then gritting your teeth, picking up your weapon, charging into battle with every bit of strength you have and then some. And then being carried out of there by your brothers in arms. Tears in their eyes because you are gone.
It's not pleasant to think of the real WAY people die for their country. I know that I can't even begin to describe it for real because I haven't served--and I would never have the guts to do it. There is a song called American Soldier that says "I don't want to die for you, but if dyin's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor, 'cause freedom don't come free." That's the big thing. They didn't WANT to die for us. But they did.
The closest thing I can associate it to is the idea of being caught in a snowstorm with my child and only one blanket. Most parents would immediately give that blanket to the child. No matter how cold they were, frostbite, or whatever. They would carry that kid wrapped in a blanket until they found a way to make that kid safe. We would all do it for our children. But most of us couldn't do it for an entire nation of nameless, faceless people who often aren't even grateful. That takes a special kind of person.
So, take a minute to look heavenward today. Just say thanks. As my husband says "Soldiers don't expect anyone to say thank you, but it sure sounds nice when they do." I think even from heaven they can hear.
I'm not really sure why people say "Happy" Memorial Day. I think they don't stop and pay attention. Even if they aren't focused on the extra day off or the sales at the mall or the big picnic, many seem to think it is a day to celebrate our country or celebrate our military. We'll it isn't. We have those--4th of July, Veterans Day, etc--but today is a day of MEMORIAL. As in memorial ceremony, 21 gun salute, caskets draped in American flags.
It is a day to be grateful. Unfortunately, those we acknowledge today don't get to see our appreciation. They probably don't mind that--I have never met a soldier who served because he wanted someone to tell him thank you. But, take a moment of complete silence and think really hard about what it is to die for your country--It's not some vague, idealized notion, but being in a hot, dirty place far from home and loved ones and being willing to die there. To know your wife and children are at home and you will never see them again, and they will cry for you forever. But also knowing that your dying there will help keep your fellow Americans from dying on our own soil--and then gritting your teeth, picking up your weapon, charging into battle with every bit of strength you have and then some. And then being carried out of there by your brothers in arms. Tears in their eyes because you are gone.
It's not pleasant to think of the real WAY people die for their country. I know that I can't even begin to describe it for real because I haven't served--and I would never have the guts to do it. There is a song called American Soldier that says "I don't want to die for you, but if dyin's asked of me, I'll bear that cross with honor, 'cause freedom don't come free." That's the big thing. They didn't WANT to die for us. But they did.
The closest thing I can associate it to is the idea of being caught in a snowstorm with my child and only one blanket. Most parents would immediately give that blanket to the child. No matter how cold they were, frostbite, or whatever. They would carry that kid wrapped in a blanket until they found a way to make that kid safe. We would all do it for our children. But most of us couldn't do it for an entire nation of nameless, faceless people who often aren't even grateful. That takes a special kind of person.
So, take a minute to look heavenward today. Just say thanks. As my husband says "Soldiers don't expect anyone to say thank you, but it sure sounds nice when they do." I think even from heaven they can hear.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
The difference between fighting and self defense
I have much more pleasant things to talk about, and I will in the next post. Including some great photos of the boys lately. . .but I want to write this now, because I hope anyone with children will read it.
Do your kids know the difference between fighting and self defense? Guess what? Mine didn't. My sweet little N. would never fight. For one thing, it is against the rules. He follows rules. Period. Additionally, he would never intentionally inflict harm on someone. Particularly physical harm. He is so tenderhearted, he just could never bring himself to do it (except for sometimes his brothers, but that is a different story. . .) Anyway--something happened to my baby about 2 weeks ago. I am just writing it now, because I kept crying when I thought about it. I haven't written lately because I knew this had to be the next thing to go on the page, but I couldn't do it. . .so here goes. There is already a lump in my throat. . . .
I am going to write this in sort of a play style narrative, because it is easier for me to do quickly.
I pick N. up from school on a Wednesday. We are walking to the car and he is making a funny face when he swallows and rubbing his neck a little.
Me: Are you getting sick?
N: No.
Me: Does your throat hurt?
N: Yes
Me: Let me look in your mouth.
N: My inside throat doesn't hurt. The outside does.
Me: (A little worried) Why does the OUTSIDE of your throat hurt?
N: Because D. choked me.
Me: WHAT????????????
N: He pushed me and then he choked me.
Me: (thousands of thoughts in my head. . .Why did the teacher not tell me this? I just saw her! Where is this kid so I can show him what choking really is?) Trying to be calm--"When did this happen?"
N: At the end of recess.
Me: What did Mrs. S. do?
N: She told him that if he did it again he couldn't go to recess.
Me: (IN my head hysterically screaming, out loud trying to stay calm) I don't think that is enough of a punishment for choking. Tell me exactly what happened.
My cel phone rings. It is my friend L. She is VERY upset. She says: Did N. tell you what happened at school?
Me: About what?
L: W. said that some kid pushed him and choked him.
Me: We are talking about it right now. Let me get the whole story from him and I will call you back.
L: You need to call the teacher.
Me: Ok. (Thank goodness she told me that. I have always had SUCH an overreactive personality and I am trying REALLY hard to not do that, so I wasn't sure if my reaction was correct. I probably would have tried to talk to N. about it myself, but not called the teacher for fear of appearing hysterical.)
L: W. will go to the principal and give a statement tomorrow if he needs to.
Me: Thank you. He might need to. I'll call you back.
--Let me just stop here and tell you that this is not out of the ordinary for L. and her family. They are SUCH good people. They will do anything for anyone and they will stand by you when you need something. All of them are this way. We haven't known them long, but I thank God that they are here!--
By now we are home. (We live really close). We go inside and I get the little ones settled and say to N.: Ok, tell me exactly what happened. Don't add anything, don't guess, and if you don't remember something, just say I don't remember.
N: We were getting in line and D. always wants to be first in line. I was first and he wanted me to move but I wouldn't. So he put his arms like this (he puts his arms up even with his shoulders, bent at the elbows.) And he ran into me and pushed me. But, I didn't move and so he put his hands on my neck and started choking me.
--Note: D. is a big kid. N. is almost a whole year older than most of the kids in his class, so he is big too. That is probably the only reason he didn't fall over. There are some TINY kids in that class that would have gotten flattened!
Me: And what made him stop? Did the teacher stop him? Did he just let go?
N: Ms. S wasn't there.
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I couldn't make him stop. I tried to pull his hand off but he wouldn't let go.
--Now I am truly hysterical. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDDING ME????? My kindergartener is being choked and he can't stop it????????
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I closed my eyes, and hoped he would stop.
Me: Why did you close your eyes?
N: I just felt like closing them.
(I am about to cry. HE JUST FELT LIKE CLOSING THEM?? WHY? Was he about to pass out? I am crying. Don't cry in front of the kid. Don't cry in front of the kid.)
Me: So what happened?
N: J., G., J., W., AND R. told him to stop and he didn't so they grabbed his hands and pulled them off.
--At this point he is very proud of the fact that he has such good friends and that ALL of them protected him. It made him smile to tell me that part. It made me cry.
Me: Tonight when we say prayers we are going to remember to thank God for giving you such good friends. I'm going to call Mrs. S. OK?
N: Ok. Can I have ice cream?
Me: Sure. If that ever happens again you punch that kid in the stomach.
N: I can't mom. We aren't allowed to fight.
Me: That's not fighting. that's just getting away from someone who is hurting you.
N: No. We have a rule of not fighting.
Me: That isn't fighting!
N: Hitting someone is fighting!
Me: Eat your ice cream.
I call the school. I talk to the teacher.
Me: Hi, I wanted to talk to you about something N. said happened with D. today.
Ms. S: I'm glad you called. I don't think I got the whole story. I wasn't out there. It was recess and Ms. St was with them and she didn't see it. What did N. tell you?
Me: I asked him to give me the whole story and reminded him not to embellish or make things up.
Ms. S: Ok, what happened?
Me: First of all, understand that I have 3 boys. I expect roughhousing. Pushing, shoving, wrestling, etc. is part of every day life in our house. It is natural for boys, and I think they have to learn when it is appropriate, but I am certainly not shocked when a frustrated 5 year old pushes another kid. That is not my concern. I don't want you to think I am some hysterical mom that is going to call you everytime some little thing happens.
I tell her the whole story. She is not happy.
Ms S: We didn't know all of that. I am so sorry. All we were told is that D. pushed N.
Me: That is how it started.
Ms S: We had a talk with the children the other day because we have had a rash of tattletaling in the class. I think we'd better talk with them again to be sure they understand the difference.
Me: Yes.
Ms. S: This child has been a problem for a while. He is on a contract everyday and we are going to do something about it. I am going to talk to Ms. St about it and call you back. Ok?
Me: I want you to know that my biggest concern is that N. could not make this kid stop. If his friends hadn't been there. . .I mean, what if N. and D. had been in the bathroom alone? What would have stopped him? (Now I cry--trying not to let her hear me.)
Ms. S: I had not even thought of that possibility.
Me: W. said that he would talk to you about it if you need him to.
Ms. S: I know that N. is not a crybaby and he doesn't make things up. If he says it happened that way then it did. I will probably talk to the other children tomorrow. I'll call you back in a few minutes.
Me: Ok.
I call my "sister" at Ft. Lewis. I recount the story.
She says: Tell him to punch that kid in the face.
Me: I told him that but he said he can't because he isn't allowed to fight.
S: You tell him I said to punch that kid in the face as hard as he can and then run away!
I tell N. this.
N: Tell Miss S. that I am not allowed to fight.
I tell her. She says: YES YOU CAN!!!
S & I are discussing ways to convince this child to protect himself.
Other line rings. . .it is Ms. S.
Ms. S: Ms. St and I have decided that this is too big of an issue to handle just with us. I know I sound calm, or I think I do, but I am VERY upset that this happened to N. and we are going to have all of them talk to the principal tomorrow.
Me: Ok, good. I need your advice on something.
Ms S: Ok.
Me: I was talking to N. about protecting himself if something like this happens and he REFUSES to accept the idea of hitting or hurting anyone because it is against the rules.
Ms. S: Oh no. You make sure he knows that WE understand the difference.
Me: Ok. I just need to know that you will be supportive of the fact that I told him to hit the kid in the stomach.
Ms. S: That's a lot nicer than what I would have told him to do. In fact, I think you should have Mr. T teach him how to hurt someone if he needs to get away from them.
--In the background I hear some garbled conversation pieces. . ."a fight in your class today". . ."in the office now". . .
Ms. S: D. is in the principal's office now. I am going to go down there and give her your number and have her call you.
Me: Ok. Thank you for the way you are handling this Ms. S.
Ms. S: Of course.
Hang up. Call sister back and update her. Other line rings. . .principal--Ms. J.
Ms. J: Ms. T, I'm calling about the incident with your son at school today.
Me: Yes.
Ms. J: I am so sorry that happened. I cannot believe that. Is he ok?
Me: His neck hurts and there are red marks around it. But he is ok.
Ms. J: I am suspending the other child from school.
Me: Do you need N. and the other kids to come talk to you tomorrow?
Ms. J: No. Both of the teachers assure me that N. would not make anything up and that the other children are just as trustworthy, so if for some reason we need to talk to witnesses, we can but this is not the first incident with this child and this is too serious.
Me: Ok. Thank you. Is there something else I need to do?
Ms. J: No. It is already done.
Me: I need to ask your advice. I have been talking to N. about if this were to happen again, how to protect himself. I told him to hit the kid in the stomach and he absolutely refuses because it is against the rules to fight.
Ms. J: Oh no. He absolutely has the right to protect himself. If I were you, I would have your husband teach him to kick that kid where it will hurt the very most.
Me: Thank you. I know some schools have a policy that if you are involved in a fight you are automatically punished no matter what your reasons.
Ms. J: No. There is a difference between fighting and protecting yourself. In fact, I had two 5th graders in here last week. The person that brought them in just said they were fighting at lunch. After asking them a few questions, it was obvious that they weren't fighting. One kid was beating up the other one and holding him down on the ground and when he got an arm free he knocked the kid in the face. The boy actually had the nerve to say "Why I am getting suspended and he's not? He hit me too." No--there is a difference.
Me: Ok. thank you. I will be sure to tell him you said that, but if he still doesn't believe me, can I bring him to you and get you to reassure him?
Ms. J: Of course.
So--that night we had a very serious conversation with N. about the difference between fighting and defending yourself. Like if someone hits you and runs away, or is pulling on your shirt and won't let go--that is not a reason to hit them. BUT--if they are hurting you and they won't stop--you MAKE THEM STOP. We taught him several ways to be SURE he could make someone let go of him. Of course, my Army husband who LOVES combatives training wanted to teach him how to break the kid's nose or something. I made sure we tempered it down a bit and convinced him to show him how to stun the kid or knock the breath of him so he could get away. The whole point was BE ABLE TO GET AWAY.
What did we learn from this:
1) I am getting much better at controlling my responses and making the right ones.
2) I was right when I thought I couldn't get through any major issue without my "sister" and that she loves my kids almost as much as I do.
3) We (N. and I) are both blessed with good friends.
4) N. learned how to protect himself whether it is on the playground or if someone tries to kidnap him.
5) He also learned the difference between fighting and protecting yourself.
6) There is a difference between tattletaling and telling an adult when something is important.
7) Children don't necessarily know the difference or how to make the distinction. When we tell them a "rule" we also need to tell them if there is any situation in which the rule doesn't apply.
8) I am very confident in the school that he is attending. It sucks that it happened, but things happen. The teacher and the principal responded immediately and strongly. They had been keeping documentation on EVERY event that occurs so when this happened they were both aware of the severity of it, and confident in their discipline decisions--knowing that no one could accuse them of unfairly targeting this boy or overreacting. Also, they ASKED QUESTIONS to make sure they had the correct story. Apparently the kid tried to tell the principal that N. had pushed him first (I could smack him for that) but she asked him several questions and discovered that N. wasn't even facing the child so he couldn't have pushed him. (Kindergarteners aren't great with creating alibis) So--these people, the teachers and the principal, took the TIME to find out what was going on and to respond appropriately. It is much quicker and easier to just have a flat policy of "Anyone involved in a fight gets an automatic 2 day suspension." Then, they don't have to put any effort into the punishment. But--then someone is unfairly punished and the REAL STORY is never established. Also, in this day of lawsuit happy America, it seems that more and more schools are avoiding punishing students all together. That is just plain dangerous.
So--although I still cry when I think of what could have happened if N.'s friends hadn't been there, I am also so glad that we go to a school with such a good "policy." I don't know if they have it in writing, but it seems to me that they are tuned in to the kids, paying attention and documenting what is happening, and responding to individual situations with individual attention. It may take more time, but it is the right thing to do. I wish that all schools would emulate them.
The teachers did talk to the kids about the difference between tattletaling and telling them when something important happens. They also talked to N.'s friends and told them that what they did was good and that they should be proud of themselves. Again--it might take more time, but it is the right thing to do. And that's what they did.
One final note on exactly the kind of person my son is. One week after this happened we were at a birthday party and D. was there also. N. was so kind to him. He talked to him, asked him to join them in a game N. was playing, and offered him some watermelon when he was getting some for himself and D. was standing nearby. I told him later how impressed I was with him and that I wouldn't have been able to be that nice.
So, now I am worn out. I know this is ridiculously long, and most people didn't read it all, but if you've gotten this far--think about it, and have the conversation with your kids. They ALL know the rule "Don't fight." But, wil they know when it DOESN'T apply?
Do your kids know the difference between fighting and self defense? Guess what? Mine didn't. My sweet little N. would never fight. For one thing, it is against the rules. He follows rules. Period. Additionally, he would never intentionally inflict harm on someone. Particularly physical harm. He is so tenderhearted, he just could never bring himself to do it (except for sometimes his brothers, but that is a different story. . .) Anyway--something happened to my baby about 2 weeks ago. I am just writing it now, because I kept crying when I thought about it. I haven't written lately because I knew this had to be the next thing to go on the page, but I couldn't do it. . .so here goes. There is already a lump in my throat. . . .
I am going to write this in sort of a play style narrative, because it is easier for me to do quickly.
I pick N. up from school on a Wednesday. We are walking to the car and he is making a funny face when he swallows and rubbing his neck a little.
Me: Are you getting sick?
N: No.
Me: Does your throat hurt?
N: Yes
Me: Let me look in your mouth.
N: My inside throat doesn't hurt. The outside does.
Me: (A little worried) Why does the OUTSIDE of your throat hurt?
N: Because D. choked me.
Me: WHAT????????????
N: He pushed me and then he choked me.
Me: (thousands of thoughts in my head. . .Why did the teacher not tell me this? I just saw her! Where is this kid so I can show him what choking really is?) Trying to be calm--"When did this happen?"
N: At the end of recess.
Me: What did Mrs. S. do?
N: She told him that if he did it again he couldn't go to recess.
Me: (IN my head hysterically screaming, out loud trying to stay calm) I don't think that is enough of a punishment for choking. Tell me exactly what happened.
My cel phone rings. It is my friend L. She is VERY upset. She says: Did N. tell you what happened at school?
Me: About what?
L: W. said that some kid pushed him and choked him.
Me: We are talking about it right now. Let me get the whole story from him and I will call you back.
L: You need to call the teacher.
Me: Ok. (Thank goodness she told me that. I have always had SUCH an overreactive personality and I am trying REALLY hard to not do that, so I wasn't sure if my reaction was correct. I probably would have tried to talk to N. about it myself, but not called the teacher for fear of appearing hysterical.)
L: W. will go to the principal and give a statement tomorrow if he needs to.
Me: Thank you. He might need to. I'll call you back.
--Let me just stop here and tell you that this is not out of the ordinary for L. and her family. They are SUCH good people. They will do anything for anyone and they will stand by you when you need something. All of them are this way. We haven't known them long, but I thank God that they are here!--
By now we are home. (We live really close). We go inside and I get the little ones settled and say to N.: Ok, tell me exactly what happened. Don't add anything, don't guess, and if you don't remember something, just say I don't remember.
N: We were getting in line and D. always wants to be first in line. I was first and he wanted me to move but I wouldn't. So he put his arms like this (he puts his arms up even with his shoulders, bent at the elbows.) And he ran into me and pushed me. But, I didn't move and so he put his hands on my neck and started choking me.
--Note: D. is a big kid. N. is almost a whole year older than most of the kids in his class, so he is big too. That is probably the only reason he didn't fall over. There are some TINY kids in that class that would have gotten flattened!
Me: And what made him stop? Did the teacher stop him? Did he just let go?
N: Ms. S wasn't there.
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I couldn't make him stop. I tried to pull his hand off but he wouldn't let go.
--Now I am truly hysterical. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDDING ME????? My kindergartener is being choked and he can't stop it????????
Me: So why did he stop?
N: I closed my eyes, and hoped he would stop.
Me: Why did you close your eyes?
N: I just felt like closing them.
(I am about to cry. HE JUST FELT LIKE CLOSING THEM?? WHY? Was he about to pass out? I am crying. Don't cry in front of the kid. Don't cry in front of the kid.)
Me: So what happened?
N: J., G., J., W., AND R. told him to stop and he didn't so they grabbed his hands and pulled them off.
--At this point he is very proud of the fact that he has such good friends and that ALL of them protected him. It made him smile to tell me that part. It made me cry.
Me: Tonight when we say prayers we are going to remember to thank God for giving you such good friends. I'm going to call Mrs. S. OK?
N: Ok. Can I have ice cream?
Me: Sure. If that ever happens again you punch that kid in the stomach.
N: I can't mom. We aren't allowed to fight.
Me: That's not fighting. that's just getting away from someone who is hurting you.
N: No. We have a rule of not fighting.
Me: That isn't fighting!
N: Hitting someone is fighting!
Me: Eat your ice cream.
I call the school. I talk to the teacher.
Me: Hi, I wanted to talk to you about something N. said happened with D. today.
Ms. S: I'm glad you called. I don't think I got the whole story. I wasn't out there. It was recess and Ms. St was with them and she didn't see it. What did N. tell you?
Me: I asked him to give me the whole story and reminded him not to embellish or make things up.
Ms. S: Ok, what happened?
Me: First of all, understand that I have 3 boys. I expect roughhousing. Pushing, shoving, wrestling, etc. is part of every day life in our house. It is natural for boys, and I think they have to learn when it is appropriate, but I am certainly not shocked when a frustrated 5 year old pushes another kid. That is not my concern. I don't want you to think I am some hysterical mom that is going to call you everytime some little thing happens.
I tell her the whole story. She is not happy.
Ms S: We didn't know all of that. I am so sorry. All we were told is that D. pushed N.
Me: That is how it started.
Ms S: We had a talk with the children the other day because we have had a rash of tattletaling in the class. I think we'd better talk with them again to be sure they understand the difference.
Me: Yes.
Ms. S: This child has been a problem for a while. He is on a contract everyday and we are going to do something about it. I am going to talk to Ms. St about it and call you back. Ok?
Me: I want you to know that my biggest concern is that N. could not make this kid stop. If his friends hadn't been there. . .I mean, what if N. and D. had been in the bathroom alone? What would have stopped him? (Now I cry--trying not to let her hear me.)
Ms. S: I had not even thought of that possibility.
Me: W. said that he would talk to you about it if you need him to.
Ms. S: I know that N. is not a crybaby and he doesn't make things up. If he says it happened that way then it did. I will probably talk to the other children tomorrow. I'll call you back in a few minutes.
Me: Ok.
I call my "sister" at Ft. Lewis. I recount the story.
She says: Tell him to punch that kid in the face.
Me: I told him that but he said he can't because he isn't allowed to fight.
S: You tell him I said to punch that kid in the face as hard as he can and then run away!
I tell N. this.
N: Tell Miss S. that I am not allowed to fight.
I tell her. She says: YES YOU CAN!!!
S & I are discussing ways to convince this child to protect himself.
Other line rings. . .it is Ms. S.
Ms. S: Ms. St and I have decided that this is too big of an issue to handle just with us. I know I sound calm, or I think I do, but I am VERY upset that this happened to N. and we are going to have all of them talk to the principal tomorrow.
Me: Ok, good. I need your advice on something.
Ms S: Ok.
Me: I was talking to N. about protecting himself if something like this happens and he REFUSES to accept the idea of hitting or hurting anyone because it is against the rules.
Ms. S: Oh no. You make sure he knows that WE understand the difference.
Me: Ok. I just need to know that you will be supportive of the fact that I told him to hit the kid in the stomach.
Ms. S: That's a lot nicer than what I would have told him to do. In fact, I think you should have Mr. T teach him how to hurt someone if he needs to get away from them.
--In the background I hear some garbled conversation pieces. . ."a fight in your class today". . ."in the office now". . .
Ms. S: D. is in the principal's office now. I am going to go down there and give her your number and have her call you.
Me: Ok. Thank you for the way you are handling this Ms. S.
Ms. S: Of course.
Hang up. Call sister back and update her. Other line rings. . .principal--Ms. J.
Ms. J: Ms. T, I'm calling about the incident with your son at school today.
Me: Yes.
Ms. J: I am so sorry that happened. I cannot believe that. Is he ok?
Me: His neck hurts and there are red marks around it. But he is ok.
Ms. J: I am suspending the other child from school.
Me: Do you need N. and the other kids to come talk to you tomorrow?
Ms. J: No. Both of the teachers assure me that N. would not make anything up and that the other children are just as trustworthy, so if for some reason we need to talk to witnesses, we can but this is not the first incident with this child and this is too serious.
Me: Ok. Thank you. Is there something else I need to do?
Ms. J: No. It is already done.
Me: I need to ask your advice. I have been talking to N. about if this were to happen again, how to protect himself. I told him to hit the kid in the stomach and he absolutely refuses because it is against the rules to fight.
Ms. J: Oh no. He absolutely has the right to protect himself. If I were you, I would have your husband teach him to kick that kid where it will hurt the very most.
Me: Thank you. I know some schools have a policy that if you are involved in a fight you are automatically punished no matter what your reasons.
Ms. J: No. There is a difference between fighting and protecting yourself. In fact, I had two 5th graders in here last week. The person that brought them in just said they were fighting at lunch. After asking them a few questions, it was obvious that they weren't fighting. One kid was beating up the other one and holding him down on the ground and when he got an arm free he knocked the kid in the face. The boy actually had the nerve to say "Why I am getting suspended and he's not? He hit me too." No--there is a difference.
Me: Ok. thank you. I will be sure to tell him you said that, but if he still doesn't believe me, can I bring him to you and get you to reassure him?
Ms. J: Of course.
So--that night we had a very serious conversation with N. about the difference between fighting and defending yourself. Like if someone hits you and runs away, or is pulling on your shirt and won't let go--that is not a reason to hit them. BUT--if they are hurting you and they won't stop--you MAKE THEM STOP. We taught him several ways to be SURE he could make someone let go of him. Of course, my Army husband who LOVES combatives training wanted to teach him how to break the kid's nose or something. I made sure we tempered it down a bit and convinced him to show him how to stun the kid or knock the breath of him so he could get away. The whole point was BE ABLE TO GET AWAY.
What did we learn from this:
1) I am getting much better at controlling my responses and making the right ones.
2) I was right when I thought I couldn't get through any major issue without my "sister" and that she loves my kids almost as much as I do.
3) We (N. and I) are both blessed with good friends.
4) N. learned how to protect himself whether it is on the playground or if someone tries to kidnap him.
5) He also learned the difference between fighting and protecting yourself.
6) There is a difference between tattletaling and telling an adult when something is important.
7) Children don't necessarily know the difference or how to make the distinction. When we tell them a "rule" we also need to tell them if there is any situation in which the rule doesn't apply.
8) I am very confident in the school that he is attending. It sucks that it happened, but things happen. The teacher and the principal responded immediately and strongly. They had been keeping documentation on EVERY event that occurs so when this happened they were both aware of the severity of it, and confident in their discipline decisions--knowing that no one could accuse them of unfairly targeting this boy or overreacting. Also, they ASKED QUESTIONS to make sure they had the correct story. Apparently the kid tried to tell the principal that N. had pushed him first (I could smack him for that) but she asked him several questions and discovered that N. wasn't even facing the child so he couldn't have pushed him. (Kindergarteners aren't great with creating alibis) So--these people, the teachers and the principal, took the TIME to find out what was going on and to respond appropriately. It is much quicker and easier to just have a flat policy of "Anyone involved in a fight gets an automatic 2 day suspension." Then, they don't have to put any effort into the punishment. But--then someone is unfairly punished and the REAL STORY is never established. Also, in this day of lawsuit happy America, it seems that more and more schools are avoiding punishing students all together. That is just plain dangerous.
So--although I still cry when I think of what could have happened if N.'s friends hadn't been there, I am also so glad that we go to a school with such a good "policy." I don't know if they have it in writing, but it seems to me that they are tuned in to the kids, paying attention and documenting what is happening, and responding to individual situations with individual attention. It may take more time, but it is the right thing to do. I wish that all schools would emulate them.
The teachers did talk to the kids about the difference between tattletaling and telling them when something important happens. They also talked to N.'s friends and told them that what they did was good and that they should be proud of themselves. Again--it might take more time, but it is the right thing to do. And that's what they did.
One final note on exactly the kind of person my son is. One week after this happened we were at a birthday party and D. was there also. N. was so kind to him. He talked to him, asked him to join them in a game N. was playing, and offered him some watermelon when he was getting some for himself and D. was standing nearby. I told him later how impressed I was with him and that I wouldn't have been able to be that nice.
So, now I am worn out. I know this is ridiculously long, and most people didn't read it all, but if you've gotten this far--think about it, and have the conversation with your kids. They ALL know the rule "Don't fight." But, wil they know when it DOESN'T apply?
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Robin--where are you??
Robin--I can't email you--I lost your email address! Email me when you can, or send a note to S. if you don't have my email address. His is hisfirstname.hislastname@us.army.mil He can forward it to me (you'll have to mention in your note for him to do that!)
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Grown up Furniture!
So--we have been married 9 years and we have always had hand me down furniture. Stuff I buy at Thrift shops and garage sales, because I am going to "fix them up." That worked for a while. Then I had kids. . .I did a great job on the nursery. . .painted the dresser (really fancy too! Not just slappin' on a coat of paint!) painted the bookshelf, sewed curtains, made a dust ruffle. . .etc. etc. etc. Well, guess what! You just can't go around paintin' stuff when you have little kids around!
So--I have been thinking about furniture for a while. We didn't buy any in Europe because the bed sizes are different, so I just kept waiting. Well, we got here and it is time to get J. out of the crib because at 14 months, he was too heavy for the mattress and wasn't sleeping well (so neither was I!)
So--the kids were getting furniture. All 3 get the same thing, because you can't ever tell who might be sharing a room, so I wanted the furniture to match--just in case! They got dressers with built in bookshelves and matching chests. J is napping on his here! He doesn't have anything on his shelves because he just pulls it all off and throws it on the floor! He and R. have cowboys on their comforters--it is very cute! It is also amazing to not have a crib in the house!
So--I have been thinking about furniture for a while. We didn't buy any in Europe because the bed sizes are different, so I just kept waiting. Well, we got here and it is time to get J. out of the crib because at 14 months, he was too heavy for the mattress and wasn't sleeping well (so neither was I!)
So--the kids were getting furniture. All 3 get the same thing, because you can't ever tell who might be sharing a room, so I wanted the furniture to match--just in case! They got dressers with built in bookshelves and matching chests. J is napping on his here! He doesn't have anything on his shelves because he just pulls it all off and throws it on the floor! He and R. have cowboys on their comforters--it is very cute! It is also amazing to not have a crib in the house!
N. has pretty much outgrown "theme" rooms, so he has an Americana type quilt. He will eventually have more stuff in his room, but for now, he has somewhere to sleep and you can usually walk across the floor!
I figured since there would already be delivery men at my house and the store was having a "36 month no interest plus double the tax discount" sale--I should get stuff for us too. So I did.
The kids stuff is great. Our stuff is pretty, but a little much to deal with. I think I will get used to it, but it is JUST HUGE!! The bottom of the bedrail is at my knee! I have to use a stool to get into the bed (keep in mind that I am 5' 8") The other problem is that it is a king sized bed, so who knows if it will ever fit in any other army quarters we find ourselves in! Next issue--we are in California--they only sell California King stuff here! Which is just ridiculous! Apparently, the difference between the two is that California King is extra long, while regular king (or "eastern king" as the call it here) is extra wide. Now you tell me--is everyone in this state really 7 feet tall? I think not! Don't they need extra space width wise for the millions of children who appear magically in the night?????
Anyway--the finally problem is that the mattress is also HUGE and nothing fits it! My dad and C. were here for Easter and they bought me this beautiful duvet cover for my birthday--guess what--5 inches to narrow to even cover just the mattress. Nice, huh? I finally found some stuff to go on it. It wasn't my first choice but I had to get something. I was so excited about the new furniture and it just didn't look beautiful with the spiderman blanket on it (the only thing we had that was big enough!) So, I have had this stuff for a couple of days and now I love it. I think it is really pretty. The stupid thing is still huge, it's like sleeping on the top bunk--but I gotta admit, all 3 of those kids can be in that bed with us, and I can still sleep without fearing fall off!!
Friday, May 05, 2006
Promotion
This actually happened before Easter, I just forgot to put the pics up. This was S's promotion ceremony. It was weird because everyone there was in the navy or marines and there were no friends. It made me lonely and miss my friends, but I was also proud of S. I don't really know much about his job or office here, so I am not sure how the rank structure works out. All I know is that one guy that outranks him gave him the oath (he was very good--had the whole thing memorized and was completely at ease) and other guy that outranks S. held J. Of course, J. tried to stab him with a fork that he was holding. Nice way to make a first impression, huh? (Notice that ocean behind the flag? It is REALLY pretty here! you can watch surfers from the window in S's office!)
They are not used to the Army way of celebrating milestones--I showed up with lunch and a cake and they thought I was the greatest thing in the world! Apparently, their way of celebrating is for the guy getting promoted to take all the other officers out for a beer or something. I told them that in the Army, we serve together and we celebrate together!
I had to make sure that we brought the Army to this ceremony!
Sometimes, that "formal" stuff the navy does has its priviledges--parking is very hard to come by at S's building--look what was waiting for me when I got there--a designated space (right next to the admiral's!!!
Easter
I am still trying to get into the swing of the routine here. . .that's why it keeps taking so long to get stuff on here. Anyway--here are some photos from Easter. My Dad and C. came to visit and it was a lot of fun. We went to church, had some friends over for lunch (they are from Texas and just moved here right after we did--they have boys the same age as N. and R. and two girls--one of them babysits! Plus, the mom (L.) is really fun--they are a total blessing from God for us! I was so lonely until they got here!
After lunch, we went to the beach about 10 miles from our house. The water was cold, so I figured that the kids would just stick their feet in and that would be it! No such luck! They got totally soaked--ran all the way out into the water and ended up coming home dressed just in jackets! It was a lot of fun (and very dirty!) I know that this picture is far away but I just think it is so sweet. I always want to have lots of pictures of the kids with their grandparents at all different ages.
J. was not thrilled with the way the sand felt on his feet. He also kept trying to sabotage another family's castle!
R.--in his typical style--had a good time, but knew where his personal comfort zone was. Didn't get too deep, and when he got cold, had no problem saying "We're done. Let's go home now."
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Great Grandchildren
I thought I had already posted this. . .I have no idea what is wrong with my brain sometimes! This is a photo we took at Christmas at my grandparents' house. 9 great grandchildren--I can't believe we got them to pose like this. It was amazing. My cousin's husband was in the back holding one of the babies up and another one kept crawling away--but all in all it was an amazing thing to see!
Although I was happy to take S.'s name when we got married, I miss "my" name, and the connection it immediately gave. In addition to that, my grandparents have always been very important people in my life. They just kind of define what marriage should be (to me, anyway) They've been married for 53 years!!! And some of the most profound advice I got right before my wedding came from my Papa. He said that in a marriage, you should always feel like the other person loves you more than you love them. That way, you'll always be trying to work harder and get better. Think about that. Pretty simple--but pretty perfect right?
Anyway--that's not my point. . .my point is that I wanted my children to have some connection to my family. They have their daddy's last name, but I wanted "me" in their names too. My grandfather is truly the most amazing person in the world. He is a great man. I want to be the kind of person that he has always been. A lot of times in a confusing situation I try to picture what he would tell me to do. . .anyway. . .digressing again. The point is that I want my kids to have him in their lives. They don't get to spend weekends with them like I did, but I want them to know that their greatgrandparents are strong, amazing people that they should be proud to be related to. . .so N's name is my brother's name, and his middle name is my grandfather's brother's name. R's name is my grandfather's father's name. And J's name is my grandmother's father's name and his middle name is my grandfather's middle name. I know that sounds convuluted and confusing to you--but to me--and someday to my kids--it is clear--both the connection and what it represents!
Here are some pictures with Papa!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
